Stay With Me
by dynamic-instability
Summary: Just because Jude's decision is made, it doesn't mean the feelings all disappear. 4th Season AU. COMPLETE
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** Hello hello my friends, and happy 2016! I am so glad to finally be publishing a new chaptered story. I've written a _very_ long author's note at the end of this chapter, but I want to make one thing clear here as well, in case it wasn't from the summary. _This is not a sequel to Happy Birthday and Lost and Found_. I am working on one, which I mentioned in the author's note of a couple of my one-shots/extras, but that story is a ways from finished. This is not related to those stories. I've been working on this since October of 2014. An AU, even a slight one like this, is a bit of a departure for me, but I've really enjoyed writing it. I hope you'll enjoy reading it!

Unless circumstances prevent, I will update this story every Friday.

* * *

 **Chapter 1**

"Stay." Tommy sits up as Jude does and wraps his arms around her waist, murmuring the word into the skin of her shoulder.

She half-turns around to kiss him. His fingers tangle in her hair, and she almost gives in again. After a long moment she pulls away, shaking her head. "I can't." she whispers back, leaning her forehead against his and stroking the side of his face gently with her thumb before pulling away again. "Sorry."

"Come on, Harrison." he smirks at her, and she curses her body's reaction to it. She rolls her eyes and turns away, but doesn't move to get off the bed, doesn't pull away as he presses his lips to her bare shoulder again, trailing his fingers down her arm and making her shiver. He whispers, "You know you want to."

"I can't, Quincy." Jude sighs, belying her own words by leaning back into him.

"There's no need to rush." He kisses her neck. "I told you, we have the place to ourselves. She's not back in town until tomorrow afternoon."

And there it is. The reason they shouldn't be doing this. The reason for the pit in her stomach, the guilt that eats at her even as she can't stop herself from coming back here again and again. She thinks of Jamie and tenses. "That's not why." She pulls away, standing up and retrieving her underwear from the floor, pulling it back on. "I told you before. I'm meeting Jamie for dinner in…" she glances over at his alarm clock "Shit. 15 minutes. I'm already going to be late."

"So cancel. Tell him something came up." He lays back in his bed, linking his hands behind his head, watching her with that damn smirk still on his face.

She shakes her head. "He's already pissed at me for canceling on him last week. Anyway, he made a big deal out of this date. He has reservations at some nice place downtown."

"Ah. Hence the dress." he says as she picks the dress up off the floor where she'd left it earlier.

"Hence the dress." she mutters, pulling it on and zipping it part of the way. "Here, can you zip me?" She walks back over to the bed and turns with her back to him.

"Sure thing." Tommy sits up, moving to the edge of the bed. He puts his hands on her waist and gently positions her in front of him, grabbing the zipper. Instead of pulling it up, though, he pulls it back down. He slips his hands into the dress, curling his fingers around her sides and pressing his lips to her shoulder blade.

She pulls away, swatting at his hands. "Zip it _up,_ Tom!" He laughs and she rolls her eyes. "Jackass." she mutters, smiling in spite of herself. "You're going to make me even later." She turns her back to him again. "Zip it, please." she asks again, and he complies this time. She turns back around. "How do I look?" she asks, smoothing the dress down over her thighs.

"Stunning." He smiles at her. She smiles too, but then he adds, "and like you've just had some really great sex." She looks confused, and he chuckles, gesturing to his head. "Hair."

"Shit." she groans, turning around and looking around for her purse. "I'm going to be so late. Jamie's gonna kill me."

"So text him, tell him you're going to be late. Or, better yet, cancel. Come back to bed." He says it jokingly, but he knows he's pushing it, that he's asked her to stay too many times now, and that irritates him. It irritates him how much he wants her to stay, but more than that, how much he _doesn't_ want her to go and meet Jamie. His own jealousy pisses him off. This isn't supposed to be about feelings. It's supposed to be about sex. But really, who is he kidding? He's full to the brim with feelings for her. He always has been.

"Drop it, Quincy. I can't cancel." She's grabbed her purse and retrieved her hairbrush, and she's fixing her hair in front of the mirror over his dresser. "He's my boyfriend, okay?"

The word makes his chest ache. "Leave him." he says quietly. He isn't smirking at her anymore, isn't joking at all, but she snorts.

"Yeah, right. Good one." She rolls her eyes. She pulls the brush through a knot in her hair and exclaims, "Ow! You really have to cool it with the hair, Tom. One of these days I'm going to forget and I'm going to go out with it like this and the paps are going to get a shot."

"I'm serious, Jude. Leave him."

"Leave her." Jude retorts, smoothing the last of her hair into place and pulling her mascara out of her purse.

"Okay."

That makes Jude turn around, eyes wide. "What?"

The response surprises him, too. He didn't intend to say it, but he finds that he means it. "You said leave her, I said okay."

"You're breaking up with Lorena?"

He shrugs. "For you? Sure. But you first."

"Jesus _Christ_ , Quincy. You can't say shit like that. It's not funny."

"I'm not trying to be funny. I will leave her for you. If you leave him, I'm all yours."

Her eyes are still wide, and she actually looks afraid now. "Tommy, stop."

He stares at her for a long moment. His expression looks sad, but she can't quite figure out what he's thinking. Eventually he shakes his head and looks away, and when he looks back up, the smirk is back on his face. It looks a little forced, and there's tension around his eyes. "Relax. I didn't mean anything by it. You're going to be late."

She looks at him for a moment longer before frowning and turning back to the mirror to apply her mascara. "I don't know what's worse." she mutters. "If you were serious, or if that's your fucked up idea of a joke."

He winces, knowing she can't see him. "Drop it, Harrison." he tries to sound casual, but the tension comes out in his voice. He gets up and pulls on his jeans as she fixes her makeup. When she's done, she puts everything back in her bag and walks to the door, but he grabs her wrist. "Hey." he says softly.

"Tommy, I'm late." she protests.

"I know." He smiles, pulling her to him and kissing her. She relaxes almost immediately, wrapping her arms around his neck and melting into his embrace. When he pulls back he says, "I didn't want you to leave angry."

"I'm not." She looks surprised. "I just… you can't say shit like that. You know the deal. You know what this is."

"I know the deal. I _made_ the deal. Sex. No strings." He brushes a lock of her hair behind her ear. "I didn't mean anything by it. I know you're not going to leave him. I'm not leaving her either. This is just…" He trails off and shakes his head slightly.

"It's not 'just' anything, is it?" she says quietly, looking sadly at him. "No strings? We're… I'm cheating on my boyfriend. On the guy who's been my best friend since I was four. It's all strings. Where does it end?"

"Jude…"

"I don't think I can keep doing this." His hand is still resting on her cheek, and he's looking at her with that look on his face, _her_ look, the one she's never been able to get out of her head, not since the day at the lake when she was 15. Like it or not, he's her weakness. She sighs and leans in, touching her forehead to his. "But I don't know how to stop."

There are a million things he could say, a million different emotions running through him. Everything about this is his fault. His decisions were the ones that led them here. This was what he wanted, or at least what he tried to tell himself he wanted, but now all he can do is wish it were different. Instead of saying that, instead of further tangling the strings of this web they've woven, he kisses her forehead and says, "Go. You're late."

"Dammit." she groans, pulling away.

"Hey Harrison." He calls her name as she leaves the bedroom and starts walking down the hall. She looks back with a 'what now?' look. He smiles. "You really do look stunning."

She rolls her eyes, but grins anyway. "Thanks, Tommy."

"Sorry about the hair." he calls after her as she turns around, heading for the front door.

She laughs, but keeps walking. "No you're not."

… ... ... ... …

 _Jude puts her phone on the table as Tommy walks into the restaurant and sits down next to her. "My concert got a lot of hits. It's still being sent across the net."_

 _He smiles a little. "I heard it was… worthy of you." His heart is pounding so hard he can feel the pulse in his fingertips. He's Tom Quincy. He shouldn't be this nervous. But it's Jude, and he_ loves _her. For real, truly loves her, and he wants this so much. So he's terrified. Of what, exactly, he's not sure, but the image of her kissing Andrews under the streetlight is definitely on his mind._

 _"So, now that G Major's closed, what're you going to do with your life?" she asks._

 _"Uh… I was thinking about trying all the things I didn't get to do. Like backpacking through Asia." He pauses. "I leave for Thailand in two days." It's a bombshell, and he knows it. It's just the first he's planning to drop._

 _Her eyes widen a little. "You're leaving." She's obviously surprised, but he can't really tell much beyond that. He can't tell if she's upset about it. She looks away. "You deserve a fresh start."_

 _He reaches into his jacket to pull out the tickets as she takes a sip of her water. This is it. He's going to do it. He's going to tell her he loves her. She's said it before, she told him in the church, but he's never said the words out loud. "We both do." he says. She nods, and he's about to say 'I want you to come with me' when her phone chimes on the table. She looks down at it, and his heart plummets when she smiles as she reads the message. Because he's pretty sure he knows who the text is from._

 _She switches the phone off and puts it in her pocket, apologizing quickly, crushing him in two words. "Sorry. Jamie."_

 _"You and Andrews?" he asks, trying to sound casual._

 _"Uh…" She hesitates, uncomfortable. She doesn't know how to answer, because she hasn't chosen yet. She's still too terrified to pick, because she really does care for them both. But if Tommy is leaving, then maybe he's made the choice for her. She feels sick. "Maybe? We haven't… I mean, nothing's official…" she shrugs awkwardly._

 _The line he means to say is on the tip of his tongue, echoing inside his head._ I want all of you with me forever. _But wait. Wait. If she's with Andrews, if she's chosen him and he's better for her, then… "Fresh start, right?" he says, clearing his throat when it feels like it's closing up. He's not her fresh start. He's not what she needs. She deserves better than him._

 _She raises her eyebrows. "Are you really comparing that to leaving the country?"_

 _He smiles a little. "I guess not." She looks away, taking another drink of her water, and he doesn't notice her hands shaking. "I just want you to be happy." He slips the tickets back into his jacket and pulls out the other envelope, reaching it out to her. "And, uh, now you can be. As the sole owner of your own music catalog."_

 _"What?" Jude looks shocked, pulling the envelope out of his hands and opening it. "You got this from Darius?" She looks back up at him, her eyes wide. "What did you have to do?"_

 _He shrugs. "It's not important. I…" Again, the words he wants to say are right there on the tip of his tongue._ I would do anything for you. Because I love you. _Instead he says "It's your music. You deserve it, girl." He smiles at her, though his heart is shattering._

 _"Tommy, thank you." she throws her arms around his neck, and he returns the hug, resting his cheek against the top of her head, trying to memorize this sensation before he lets her go for good. She pulls back after a long moment and looks back down at the papers in her hands, saying "I can't believe you did this."_

 _He smiles, forcing nonchalance. "Anything for you, Harrison." He takes the words he deeply means, the words he wanted to say, and he warps them so they come off casually._

 _"Thailand?" she asks, quietly. "For real? You're really leaving?"_

 _He nods. "I'll, uh, I'll send you a postcard." He cringes internally at how stupid that sounds._

 _"I hope it's amazing. The trip, I mean. Your fresh start." Her expression is earnest, and she says her next words pointedly. "You deserve to be happy."_

 _Suddenly he can't do this anymore. He can't sit next to her and pretend like he's okay when he's losing her. He feels himself about to lose his composure, so he says, "I just wanted to let you know, and to give you that." he gestures to the contract. "I've got a lot to do before I leave, so I should go."_

 _"I'm really going to miss you, Tommy." she says it softly, and he's not imagining the tears in her eyes._

 _He grabs her hand, squeezing it gently, and stands up. "I'll miss you too." he bends down slightly, pulling her hand to his lips and kissing her fingers. "Good luck to you and Jamie." He doesn't know how he finds the strength to do it, but he smiles as he says it, intentionally using Jamie's first name to let her know he doesn't begrudge her the choice. He drops her hand and turns, walking out._

* * *

 **A/N:** This story, perhaps obviously, began with the thought "what if Jude chose Jamie?" Personally, I don't think there's any way that would have happened. The reason Jude is hesitant in the last episode of season 3—the reason there's a question of Jamie vs. Tommy at all—is pretty obvious: Tommy fucked up epically in season 3 when he didn't tell Jude about Hunter up front. Being with Tommy was always a risk for Jude, and Jamie is _much_ safer. But, in the end, the fact that Tommy admitted his feelings for Jude, the fact that he said the words "I love you" and the words "I'm done running" was enough for Jude to believe they could be together, that he's changed. She loves him enough (more than she loves Jamie, sorry to say) that she would always have chosen Tommy with the way things went down. Because of that, I didn't want to write a story where the entire 3rd season canon was the same, and Jude just chose Jamie in the end because she thought it was the right choice. Maybe it's my status as a hopeless Jommy shipper clouding my judgement, but that just seemed too implausible.

So I tried to think of an alternative, and this is what I came up with. I don't actually think that in canon Tommy's conviction was so fragile that a text message could have broken it. He was pretty ready to fight for Jude by the end of season 3. After the Hunter ordeal, and after the Portia/Angie revelation, I really think he was serious when he said "I'm done running." Obviously if she had said to him that she chose Jamie, he'd have backed off, but if there was still any chance she'd choose him, I believe he'd have taken it. In the end, though, I still needed her to choose Jamie, and I decided that this was plausible.

I'm really interested to know what you all think, so please do review or message me and share your thoughts! Overanalyzing Instant Star is one of my favorite things (clearly), and I greatly appreciate when people share that passion :P My love for this ever-dwindling fandom is eternal.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** Hello again from my surprise Monday update! I just want to say thank you very much to everyone who has reviewed! Unfortunately, reviews have been broken for the whole site this week (since just before the new year) and haven't been showing up, so I haven't been able to reply to anything, although I believe I have been able to read all of the reviews because I get e-mail notifications. Hopefully those get fixed soon! In the mean time, know that I am able to read them (as long as they're not really really long, like over 1,000 characters or something, because those would get truncated in the e-mails) and that I appreciate it very much!

* * *

Jude walks into the restaurant seventeen minutes late, which, all things considered, isn't too bad. Jamie's already at the table. She feels a rush of affection as she sees him sitting there, followed by the familiar surge of guilt. He stands when he sees her, smiling. This is Jamie, her Jamie, sweet and dependable and witty… She really loves him, and she knows that. So how can she be doing this to him?

"Hey, I'm so sorry I'm late." she says as she approaches him. "I was writing and I lost track of time, and then I had to fix my stupid hair."

He shrugs. "Don't worry about it." They hug, and he kisses her cheek before they sit down at the table "You look…" He pauses, searching for a word, and something in her chest tightens. _Please don't say stunning._ she thinks. "amazing." he finishes.

"Thanks." She smiles. "And really, I'm sorry about being late again. I know it's been happening a lot."

He gives a little laugh. "I thought about making the reservation for 7, but telling you 6:30."

"I'm sorry." she groans. "I'm the worst."

"Not at all." he reassures her. "You're forgetting I've known you forever. You've never been exactly punctual, Jude. You have been going off to write by yourself a lot lately, though." Her pulse quickens a little, fear shooting through her for a moment, but he smiles and continues, "So that either means you've been super inspired or super blocked. And since I haven't heard any of the music, I'm thinking it's the latter?"

Jude feels another pang of guilt. The writing excuse is her go-to, because she does often go off by herself to write, and she does often lose track of time while she's working on a song. Jamie doesn't question inspiration striking at weird times, her leaving, not answering her phone, being late. He wouldn't even really question it if he went looking for her and she wasn't where she said she'd be, because it would be easy enough to claim she'd needed a change of scenery. "Uh… yeah. Writer's block, I guess. It happens." Truth is, she isn't blocked at all. She's actually been writing a lot, but none of the songs are safe to show to Jamie. They're all about guilt or secret passion, and even Jamie's trust would be tested if she suddenly came to him with a bunch of those. He knows her better than anyone else, save maybe Sadie. He would know something was up, and it wouldn't take him too long to figure out what that something was. "I have some stuff, just nothing good. No big deal since I'm not working on an album or anything." She grabs her water, taking a drink as an excuse to avoid his eyes.

"Have you gone to Quincy?" Jamie asks the question nonchalantly, but Jude chokes on the water. She coughs and sputters for a minute. "What? What is it? You okay?" Jamie asks, concerned.

"Nothing. Wrong pipe." she croaks. She clears her throat a few times before answering his question. "No, I haven't. Why would I have gone to him?"

"If you've got writer's block." Jamie shrugs. "He was always the best at helping with that, wasn't he?"

"Um… he works for G Major. He's like, D's right hand. You know, Darius Mills? Our ex-boss and evil dictator of our major corporate rival?"

"Sure, I guess. But Quincy was your writing partner for years. He's your friend. What's he going to do, turn around and sell your lyrics to Darius?" he teases. "Anyway, he had the opportunity to sabotage NBR a long time ago, and, unlike Kwest, he didn't take it."

She gives him an incredulous look. "Jamie Andrews, encouraging me to spend time with Tom Quincy? Have I slipped into some strange alternate universe?" Jamie's pretty trusting, not the jealous type in general, but his _(not unfounded,_ she reminds herself) jealousy of Tommy goes back years.

He shrugs. "Hey, we've had our differences, but he's your friend, and he's your… songwriting home base, or whatever. You know I'm always happy to help too, if you want me to listen to something. But I know I'm not a writer, and I also know you and he have like, weird music-writing telepathy."

"I guess. But no, we haven't worked on anything together in a long time."

The lie comes naturally, but a memory nags at her from a few weeks ago. Jamie was chaperoning press stuff for Spied and Karma's stupid reality show, and Lorena was working, so she and Tommy met up in the rehearsal space mid-afternoon. Lyrics had popped into Jude's head as she lay next to him. She got up, and he protested, but when she told him she needed to grab a piece of paper, that she'd been hit by lyrical inspiration, she could see him light up at the prospect of working on a song. And it was _really_ nice to write with him again. She'd missed it, connecting with him through the music, not just physically. It turned back into that, of course, though she wasn't exactly sure how. She had a sneaking suspicion that the reason she eventually pulled his lips back to hers had been more than that he looked sexy at the piano. She saw something in his face as they wrote, felt something in her chest that reminded her of long ago, when she was too young and she'd fallen in love with him as they sat behind the soundboard. It scared her, and she found herself needing to bring it back to something safer.

Jude shakes her head and tries not to think about how far she's fallen if having sex with someone who isn't her boyfriend has become safer than anything. She turns her attention pointedly to the menu. "So this is a really nice place." she realizes as she looks.

"Yeah, well, you know. I wanted to do something special." Jamie smiles.

Jude's eyes widen. "Oh my God, did I like, forget an anniversary or something?"

He laughs. "No, nothing like that. I just… I don't know. We've both been really busy, and we haven't been able to spend a whole lot of time together lately just the two of us, not working."

Jude smiles. "And that's it?"

"Well…" Jamie grins. "and I wanted to celebrate."

She frowns. "So I did forget an anniversary."

"No." He laughs again. "But I've been thinking a lot lately about how incredible my life is right now, you know? We have a _record label_ , Jude. Like, I know we only have Spied right now, but his first single is already getting a ton of downloads. Even with Paegan screwing us over like he did, we're really on our way up." He grabs her hand across the table, and his joyful smile makes her smile too. "I feel like I have everything I ever wanted."

Her heart twists a little, another big twinge of guilt, as she says "Yeah. Me too."

… ... ... ... …

 _Darius bursts through the double doors to G Major with his usual bluster, his walk that screams "I'm the boss." Jude rolls her eyes. He actually showed up at her house this morning, saying "I'm back with a vengeance, and I need to talk to you now." No greeting or anything. How freaking like him._

 _"G Major's pretty lively for a company under investigation of tax fraud." Jude says dryly. She just wants out of G Major. Darius sold her catalog right under her nose, and he doesn't get to own her anymore. She's going to start a new label with Jamie, and everything is going to be perfect. The next step in her career is the one_ she _controls._

 _"My books were clean." Darius snaps. Jude's heart sinks. That can't be good. "The only thing the board found was the big fat apology they owed me. Which I graciously accepted in renovations."_

 _She stops walking. "Okay, that's nice, but enough with the tour."_ That's right, Jude, show him who's boss. _"Lets talk about the conditions of me ending my contract with you."_

 _But of course Big D doesn't back down. "Condition number one, you spend every day in here working on your third album until, condition number two, you finish it." He turns and walks away, as if that's the end of the discussion._

 _"You're crazy." There is no way she's getting back under his thumb. Not again._

 _"I said silver paint, man, not grey!" Darius yells at the man painting part of the wall._ That doesn't even make any sense _, Jude thinks,_ it's not like the painter picked the color. _D turns back to her. "Look, Michelangelo never wanted to paint the Sistine Chapel. But the pope insisted. Do you know what he got finally for saying yes?"_

 _"Chronic back pain." she retorts._

 _"No. A masterpiece so beautiful it made angels weep." She fights not to roll her eyes at the comment. "Come here." He gestures as if summoning her. She reluctantly walks over to him and he continues. "G Major is back in full force. And you're bound to your contract. Right now." She has more fight in her, but D gestures with his head and says, "So is he." Jude turns and sees Tommy standing in the studio. A jolt runs through her, and she completely forgets about Darius as he walks away._

 _Tommy heard her coming, heard her speaking with Darius, and he's braced himself for the moment she turns those big eyes on him, but it still hits him like a ton of bricks when she does. He forces a smile and makes a joke. "Let me guess. He offered you money for nothing and the chicks for free."_

 _"What… What are you doing here?" She asks, walking into the studio, eyes wide. "I thought…"_

 _"Yeah, uh, I wanted your catalog back." He shrugs, like it's no big deal, like he didn't do it because he's in love with her, like it wasn't supposed to be his grand gesture. "Darius would only give it to me if I spoke to the police on his sister's behalf, so she's going to treatment instead of jail."_

 _Her insides twist further into knots. "Oh, Tommy, you didn't have to–"_

 _"Yes I did." He cuts her off. "It's your music, and I was the only one who had the leverage to get it back to you. But anyway, for the next three years, Darius owns_ my _ass."_

 _"I was supposed to… I'm trying to find a way out of G Major."_

 _"Yeah." He nods. "I get it. Darius tried to sell your catalog out from under you, I'd want out too."_

 _"Well and–" she cuts off as she realizes that talking at G-Major about Jamie and Paegan's plans to start a label could be a problem. "Yeah. I just… I keep feeling like it's time to move on. With my career, I mean." she adds the last part hastily, because for a second it sounds too much like she's referring to him. Although… isn't she supposed to be moving on from that, too?_

 _"Darius isn't going to let you do that, is he?"_

 _She shakes her head. "Not until I finish the album. But, I mean, as long as you're here too…" she looks at him hopefully._

 _He smiles. "One co-producer, at your service." The door is closed on their relationship, and he vows then and there to accept that. Back to being her co-producer, back to being her friend, back to shutting down his feelings. Well, he can do that. He's been doing it for years. They're not meant to be. "Your third album will be done before you know it. And, uh, I guess Thailand's not going anywhere."_

 _"So we'll just have to delay that fresh start until G Major's done with us." she says. He just nods and they stand in awkward silence for a moment before she says, "Thank you again for getting my catalog back. I mean it. That's… that's like the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me."_

 _"Anything for you, Jude." The first time he said that, in the restaurant, he said it casually. It was dismissive. This time, she can tell he's dead serious. His eyes burn into hers for a second, and it makes her chest clench and her heart beat faster._

 _"Jude!" Jamie's voice comes from behind her and she spins around, feeling irrationally guilty. "You're here." He walks up to them, looking confused and concerned. "I got a call from Ben in A &R twenty minutes ago telling me to come in to work. What the hell is all of this? I thought this place was closing."_

 _"In Darius's words, 'G Major is back with a vengeance.'" She purses her lips as she says it._

 _"What does that mean?"_

 _"It means she's bound to her contract." Tommy says with a sigh._

 _Jamie looks between them for a second. "So… what, then?" He looks back at Jude and lowers his voice. "What about… you know…"_

 _She shakes her head. "I don't know, Jame. I guess I could talk to a lawyer, but my contract_ was _for three albums, and it might be easier if I just finish it and then don't renew."_

 _"Finish it with_ him?" _Jamie asks quietly, still pointedly talking just to Jude._

 _Tommy rolls his eyes and Jude says, "Jamie" warningly._

 _"Weren't you supposed to be far away from here by now?" Jamie snaps at Tommy._

 _"Jamie!" Jude hisses. "Stop it. He's under contract too, okay?"_

 _Jamie looks surprised. "So… What, nothing has really changed?"_

 _Jude looks at Tommy, who has busied himself with organizing mic cables, then looks back at Jamie. "Nothing?"_

 _Jamie smiles. "I guess not nothing."_

 _Tommy feels sick, being in the same room with them. He needs to get this shit under control if he and Jude are going to be working together. Maybe after a few drinks, or a few girls, he'll be able to look at them without wanting to bash the kid's face in. For right now, he has to get out of here. "Hey, I'm going to go see if I can find Kwest. Jude, we'll schedule studio time later, yeah?"_

 _"Yeah, but look, Tommy, you should know that Jamie and–"_

 _"I know." He cuts her off, because he doesn't want to hear her say it. "You two, I get it. Good for you. Is that it?" He's speaking more brusquely than he wants, but he just needs to get out. Jude nods, and he smiles, though it looks forced and drops quickly. "Congratulations." he says as he walks out. He looks at Jamie as he says it, and it comes off biting and sarcastic, though he honestly tried not to be._

 _Jamie's words, about nothing having changed, echo in Tommy's head as he leaves. Because he couldn't be more wrong. Everything's changed._


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N:** Shortish chapter because some long flashbacks are coming up in a couple chapters.

* * *

Tommy hasn't really written much in a long time. Though he's co-written Jude's songs for years, his own music hasn't come easily to him in a while. But yesterday, something Jude said when she left stuck with him as a lyric.

 _I know it's gotta stop, love, but I don't know how_

He jotted it down, and he's spent the last few hours turning it into something.

 _Now the stairs forget your shoes  
And the gate don't creak for want of you  
The jury's out on me  
We're wise beyond our years  
But we're good at bad ideas, my love,  
Or so it seems to me_

 _Shine a little light,  
Don't wrestle with the night,  
Don't think about the future.  
I know it's gotta stop, love, but I don't know how._

 _My little one, my kettle drum  
(I know I had a message at the start)  
My babel tongue, my come undone  
(I know I had a message at the start)  
My prison kiss, my dying wish_

 _I know I had a message at the start,  
But it up and abandoned us,  
While we were sleeping in our beds_

 _It's anybody's guess how the angel of doubt laid down  
Sand beneath our house.  
I know it's gotta stop, love, but I don't know how._

He's singing, and doesn't hear Lorena enter the apartment and call out his name. When he finishes the song, she applauds from behind him, and he jumps about a foot in the air. "Jesus, Lor! What the hell?" he cries when he sees it's her.

"I missed you too." she says dryly.

"You fucking scared me!"

"I called your name when I came in, didn't you hear me?"

"Clearly not!"

She laughs. "Sorry." She comes up behind him, looking over his shoulder at the notebook he has open on the piano. He quickly shuts it. She sits down next to him on the piano bench and asks, "What were you singing? Did you write it?"

"Uh, yeah. It's nothing."

"Can I hear it?"

He feels an irrational twinge of anger. This song is for Jude, and even if he's never planning to show it to her either, Lorena's interest irritates him, like she's somehow trying to encroach on his relationship with Jude. Which… is totally unfair, of course. Hypocritical at best, and probably truly horrible. He really is an awful person. "It's, uh… It's not finished. How was your trip?"

"Ugh." she grimaces "I was visiting my mother. How do you think it was?"

"Hmm. I get that. You have no idea. Sorry, girl."

"You should have come." She pouts a little, sticking out her lower lip.

He shakes his head. "No way. We talked about this. I don't do parents."

She sighs and rolls her eyes. "Of course not. Too much, too fast. My little commitophobe."

"Hey! That's not fair." he protests, though it actually is a fair enough assessment.

"It's the truth, Quincy."

"It's not that simple!" he cries. It's times like these that he has to remind himself that this is actually what he likes about Lorena. She isn't afraid to tease him, and she doesn't take his shit. Honestly, a few years ago he'd _never_ have thought that eye-rolling and calling him "Quincy" would ever be the kind of thing he liked in a woman, but here they are.

"Okay, okay." Lorena puts a hand on his shoulder. "I get it. Let's just not talk about it." He's still irritated, and when she moves in to kiss him, he turns his face away. "Hey." she says softly, putting a hand on the side of his face and turning it towards her. "I missed you, moron."

His expression softens and he kisses her. Because he did miss her. He does miss her when she's gone. This makes him feel even more guilty for what he said to Jude yesterday. He quickly puts that thought out of his head as Lorena deepens the kiss. He learned a while ago that thinking about Jude when he's with Lorena is a trap he falls into easily, and it's dangerous. The fact that some of the best sex they have is when he lets himself think about Jude does nothing but make it more fucked up.

So he throws himself into the kiss with his girlfriend, and he nods when she pulls back and breathes "bedroom?" He only thinks of Jude once, as he threads his fingers through Lorena's dark hair, and finds himself briefly picturing Jude's blonde locks.

Afterwards, Lorena curls up next to him, kissing his jaw and laying her head on his chest. This sort of cuddling is something he and Jude rarely allow themselves when they're together, as it starts to cross the line defining "casual," but he finds himself briefly imagining Jude falling asleep curled against him. He kisses the top of Lorena's head to banish the image.

"I missed you." she says after a moment.

He snorts a laugh. "You were gone for like three days."

She looks up at him. "So? It was three days too long." A little crease forms between her eyebrows. "Didn't you miss me?"

He smiles. "Of course."

Her frown melts away, and she lays her head back down, wrapping her arms more tightly around him. They're silent for another long moment before she speaks again. "I love you." She says it softly, but she knows he hears her because she feels him tense. _Please don't freak out._ she wills him silently.

Internally, he is doing exactly that. He doesn't know how to respond. After a moment he says "I'm starving." as if he hadn't heard her. "Do you want to order Chinese or something? I didn't have lunch."

"Tom." Lorena reprimands him. He sighs but doesn't say anything. She sits up and looks at him. He avoids her eyes. "You don't have to say it back, if you're not ready to, but you don't get to pretend I didn't say it."

He puts a hand to his forehead and groans softly "Lor…" He's still not looking at her.

"Look, I do, okay? I've wanted to say it for a while now. But I mean it, you don't have to say it back. I just… I do. I love you."

He feels guiltier than ever, now. He has the sudden impulse to tell her about Jude, to torpedo the whole relationship, but he thinks of Jude and Jamie and he knows he can't. He finally looks back into Lorena's big brown eyes. "Okay, I… I care about you. But I can't–"

"I get it." She puts a hand on his cheek. "It's okay." she sighs. "But this is serious, isn't it? We're more than casual to you, right?"

He sits up. "What? I gave you a key to my place. Yes, this is more than casual. Of course it is. It's just that–"

"I get it." she says again, smiling a little. "My little commitophobe." He looks away, frowning, and she kisses his cheek. "It's okay." She turns his face back towards hers. "Hey. We're okay." she kisses him lightly on the lips, gently pushing him back down and curling up against him again.

"I was serious when I said I was starving." he says after a moment, and she laughs. He's relieved that she's dropped it so easily.

But later, as they're eating, she asks, "Have you said it to anyone else?"

He feels a surge of anger, because he doesn't want to have this conversation, and besides, she _knows_ he hates talking about his past. But then he realizes he probably owes her this bit of honesty, all things considered, so he mutters, "yeah, I guess." When she regards him questioningly, he elaborates reluctantly, looking down at his food. "I'm pretty sure told girls I loved them in, like, junior high, and it didn't mean anything. And Portia."

"I guess that makes sense. She was your wife."

"Can we drop it now, please?" he snaps.

She looks at him for a long moment, like she's deciding whether or not to push it. Eventually she asks the question she really wanted to ask the whole time. "What about Jude?"

Fear shoots through him, and his head snaps up before he realizes she's just referring to their past. He groans. "Lorena…"

He's never explained any of that in detail, but Lorena isn't stupid. From the first time she saw them together, she knew they had history. He admitted it, just to get her to stop prying, but all he said was that they'd tried dating once, very briefly, and that it hadn't worked out. Lorena looks imploringly at him. "Please, Tom."

"Jude and I were together for less than a week." he says, exasperated.

"Did she ever tell you she loved you?"

He thinks of Jude in the church, and he closes his eyes for a moment against the emotions that come with the memory. "Yes. Once." his voice is strained.

"And you didn't say it back?"

"No." he hisses. "She was seventeen, Lor! She was my artist. It was complicated, but it wasn't like that!" It was like that, he knows full well, and Lorena probably knows it too. Hell, it _is_ like that, present tense, but he'll do anything he can to keep from admitting that, even to himself. "Can we please stop with the fucking inquisition?!" He's shouting now.

"Okay." she says calmly, holding up her hands. "Okay, Quincy, I get it. No need to freak out." She reaches out, and he has to stop himself from yanking his arm back when she touches it. Her voice is gentle. "I'm sorry. I just needed to know, okay? Do you get that, at least a little?"

"No." he snaps, then feels bad. He takes a deep breath and says, more gently, "Okay, yes. But I need you to realize that you don't need to know everything about my past to know me. Can you trust me on that?"

She nods and smiles. "I trust you."

For now, he feels relief more than guilt, but he also knows that later this moment is going to haunt him.

* * *

 **A/N:** The song is "New Ceremony" by Dry the River. Also, reviews are fixed! Yay!


	4. Chapter 4

_"Okay, Jude, I think we're good." Tommy says in her headphones. She sees him surreptitiously check his watch._

 _"You don't want to do one more take?"_

 _"Uh… Well we can if you want, but I don't really think we need it."_

 _"Okay." She takes off her headphones and comes around to his side of the glass. "So either I really nailed it, or you just really want to get out of here."_

 _"What makes you say that?" he asks, defensively._

 _She smiles. "Because you_ always _want another take. You're a perfectionist, Tommy." He shrugs and she teases him, "What, got a hot date?"_

 _He glances sideways at her. "Not that it's any of your business, but… yeah."_

 _"Oh." She feels a twinge of jealousy, and pushes it away. "With who?" He shrugs again, so she pushes. "Model, ex-groupie, girl from–"_

 _"Producer." he snaps._

 _Jude raises her eyebrows. "The one from D's gala? Tall, dark hair, works for Cardinal Records? Laura something?"_

 _He nods. "Lorena."_

 _"Didn't you go out with her last week? And the week before?"_

 _"Your point?" He frowns at her._

 _"Nothing, just… is this like, a serious thing?"_

 _"None of your business." He crosses his arms._

 _"How would D feel about you sleeping with the enemy?" she asks jokingly._

 _"The enemy?"_

 _Jude shrugs. "Well, I mean, she works for a competitor."_

 _"She's not the_ enemy _, she's a… colleague. And anyway, you're one to talk." He raises his eyebrows at her._

 _"What do you mean?"_

 _He gives her a patronizing look. "Jude. I'm not oblivious. Believe it or not, I keep an eye on indie music forums, too. Word on the street is that a Toronto kid is working with Paegan Smith to start an anti-corporate indie label in his grandmother's basement. Sound familiar?"_

 _She pales. "Does Darius know?"_

 _Tommy shakes his head. "I doubt it. If he did, he'd have fired Andrews a long time ago, and he'd be doing whatever he could to take you guys down. You are working together on this, aren't you?"_

 _"Yeah," she admits, "he asked me to produce for him once they're up and running. But my work on this album comes first, I promise. Please don't tell D."_

 _"I wasn't planning on it." he reassures her. "Look, if G-Major can't handle Jamie Andrews as competition, it doesn't deserve to be a record company. As long as he's not stealing or anything, he can play double agent all he wants. God knows D isn't above playing dirty. After what he did to Georgia? Maybe he even deserves it. But you should let Andrews know that it won't be long until Darius finds out one of his A &R reps is secretly working against him. He should quit his job while Darius doesn't have grounds to sue him for everything he owns. He needs to be careful. D's a shark, and he's been in this game for a long time."_

 _"But you're not going to tell him?"_

 _"No." Tommy shakes his head. "I'm actually rooting for Andrews on this one. And_ do not _tell him that."_

 _"Wouldn't want him to think you have a heart." Jude teases._

 _Tommy smiles a little. "Not a heart, just a… grudging respect for the fact that he has the guts to do this. And for his business partner." he winks at Jude to let her know he's referring to her, not Paegan._

 _"Thank you." she says, throwing her arms around his neck. He hugs her back, and she kisses him on the cheek._

 _"Don't mention it." He pulls back and says, "I'm serious. Don't mention this. I may be rooting for your little basement label, but that doesn't mean I'm risking my job for it."_

 _Jude nods. "Understood."_

 _"So, do you want to do another take, or can we call it a day?"_

 _She smiles. "We can call it a day. Go on your date."_

 _Tommy and Jude walk out together after they reset the board and put everything away. Lorena, who is sitting waiting for Tommy, sees them come out. They're laughing about something, and Lorena realizes she can't remember ever seeing Tommy really laugh. He's a pretty serious guy in general, a semi-permanent crease in his brow, and he seems more the type to smile wryly at something he finds funny. But, even though he's rolling his eyes at Jude, there's genuine happiness in his expression. He looks younger when he smiles like this. He touches Jude's shoulder as they say goodbye, and for a brief moment Lorena wonders whether she should be jealous. But she only met Tommy a few weeks ago, and he's worked with Jude for years, so she decides it's sweet, that seeing him with his guard down makes her like him more, even if it's not because of her. But when he watches Jude as she leaves, Lorena gets up from her chair and gets his attention. He turns and smiles at her, the same real smile he gave Jude, though it fades pretty quickly back into his neutral expression. "Hey. Sorry." he says as she walks up. "The last couple takes took longer than I thought."_

 _"No worries." she says as they walk out. "I know how it is. You get caught up in the music and lose track of time."_

 _"Better than the times when you're staring at the clock just waiting for them to stop singing." Tommy jokes._

 _Lorena smiles. "Is Jude any good?"_

 _He looks surprised. "You've heard her stuff, haven't you? You tell me."_

 _"Yeah, I mean, sure, her albums are great, but we both know that sometimes has more to do with a talented producer than the skill of the artist."_

 _"I'm flattered, but no. Jude's the real deal. She was pretty inexperienced when I first started working with her, but she learns fast, and she's come a really long way. She's co-producer on this album, and she's definitely earned it." He looks proud._

 _As they get into his car, she says, "So I'm curious. You and Jude ever…"_

 _He raises his eyebrows. "Ever what?"_

 _"You know." Lorena laughs. "Have you ever slept with her?"_

 _"She's my artist." he snaps, frowning._

 _"You and I both know that has never stopped anyone. I mean, hey, I've slept with artists. A lot of people have. You work that closely with someone, sometimes things happen."_

 _"She was 15 when I met her."_

 _"Oh." Lorena raises her eyebrows. "So she's what, 17 now?"_

 _"18 last fall." he corrects reflexively._

 _She nods. "Okay, she's an adult, then. You're being evasive. So you have slept together?"_

 _"No." he says adamantly._

 _"Really? Huh."_

 _"You're surprised?"_

 _"Frankly, yes." She shrugs again. "From a mile away I could see that you two have… I don't know. Chemistry, I guess. The kind that, in my experience, only comes from history."_

 _"We're friends. We've been working together a long time. Why this sudden interest in Jude?" he's scowling at her now._

 _She shrugs again, remaining nonchalant even as he gets upset. "Curiosity? But it certainly seems to be a touchy subject considering you're telling me you two have no history."_

 _He snaps at her again. "You didn't ask about history, you asked if I'd slept with her."_

 _She raises her eyebrows again, intrigued. "Those questions have different answers?" If they have a history, but they didn't sleep together, that means it's about feelings, another surprise from a man that she's pegged as sort of a womanizer, rarely if ever venturing beyond the casual. If he'd slept with his young and talented artist, that would be one thing, but having real feelings for her is another thing entirely._

 _"It's complicated." he gives an exasperated sigh._

 _He clearly doesn't want to talk about this, but that just intrigues her more. "So where exactly does 'complicated' fall on a spectrum from unresolved sexual tension to declarations of undying love?"_

 _"I don't know!" he cries, but she keeps staring at him with her eyebrows raised slightly, so he elaborates, quickly, just to get that penetrating gaze off of him "Fine! There was… tension. For a while. Feelings, whatever, I don't know, call it what you want. We were together really really briefly six months ago, it didn't work out, and she's with someone else now. The end. No big deal."_

 _Lorena nods. "Interesting."_

 _"You are infuriating." he says, sounding almost surprised._

 _"The fact that this infuriates you is interesting, too." she laughs. "You're sort of a fascinating guy, Quincy."_

 _He looks taken aback. "I don't think anyone has ever said that to me before."_

 _She smiles. "Then they've been looking at you the wrong way." He looks confused, and she shakes her head and gestures to the road. "Are we gonna go or what?"_

… ... ... ... …

Jude lets herself into Jamie's house through the unlocked front door, saying hi to Nana before heading downstairs where Jamie and Zeppelin are setting up to record.

Being a part of NBR is still a surreal experience for Jude. Part of it's just that, like Jamie said, they have _their own label_. In all the years she'd dreamed of life as a musician, this had never been something she'd considered a real possibility. Even when Jamie first suggested it, it had seemed like a pipe dream, one of those big plans that would never actually come to fruition. And yet, here they are, doing this for real. They're still standing, even after the botched attempt to poach Blu from G-Major led to Paegan deserting them for fame and glory à la Darius Mills. At least Darius believed them when they told him Jude had no involvement in trying to steal the Instant Star hopefuls. It was true. Jamie didn't try to take advantage of her position as judge at any point during auditions, even though Paegan apparently pushed him to. Despite their relationship, and despite Jamie's historically poor track record keeping secrets from her, Jude didn't know the plan. She knew something was up when Zeppelin took the receptionist job, but she didn't ask, and Jamie didn't tell. Maybe it was because she was too preoccupied keeping her own secrets.

Still, even though he'd believed she wasn't involved, there was no love lost between Darius and Jude, and any plans she may have once had for another tour went up in smoke. She gladly chose not to renew her contract, though her third album was successful enough that she probably could have negotiated it, despite her ties to NBR. This is another surreal aspect of her new work: it's not about her own music anymore. When Spied showed up on their doorstep, they chose to focus all of their efforts on him, at least while the label is still so small. Jude and Jamie are co-producers, another thing she never dreamed would happen, but he's pretty good at it with what he already knows from watching Kwest work with Patsy, and she actually really enjoys teaching him things he doesn't know yet. When she sometimes borders on condescending, Jamie's eyes crinkle at the corners as he smiles and says, "you're channeling Quincy again." And he's right. Because they worked together for so long, she does channel Tommy in most aspects of music, which makes it even weirder that she's not working with him anymore. She tries not to think about that.

When Jude walks in, Zeppelin is laughing at something Jamie said. Jamie notices Jude first and says, "Hey! Good morning!"

"'Morning." she smiles in reply, then looks at Zeppelin. "You have to stop being so early, Zep. Seriously, you're making me look bad, especially since I literally live next door."

Zeppelin looks embarrassed. "I haven't been here for very long. You're not late, and Spied's not here yet either."

"Zeppelin is very committed to the cause." Jamie says, and Zeppelin flushes as he smiles at her.

"By the way," Jude says to Zeppelin, "Nana said she wants you to help her with her scrapbooking at some point. She knows I'm terrible at that kind of thing."

"Oh! Sure, yeah. I'll go now. We're set up here anyway, and Spied should be here soon."

Jamie smiles. "Thanks, Zep. Nana really likes having you here, just so you know. We do too. It means a lot that you stayed. You're the best unpaid intern a fledgling indie label could ask for."

Zeppelin blushes harder, grinning down at her shoes and saying "Thanks. I'm glad to be here." before walking upstairs.

Jude chuckles to herself as Zeppelin leaves, and Jamie looks at her quizzically. "What?"

"Nothing." she shakes her head.

He cocks his head to the side. "No, seriously, what?"

She shrugs. "Zep's giant crush on you. I just think it's funny."

Jamie looks taken aback. "Zeppelin doesn't have a crush on me."

Jude raises her eyebrows. "Are you serious? Girl's got it bad."

"You're sure?" He frowns. "But Zeppelin knows we're together."

"Of course she does. I'm not saying she's trying to _steal_ you, babe. I'm saying she likes you. And yes, I'm sure. She turns bright red the second you smile at her. You really didn't know?"

He looks very concerned, and reaches out to put a hand on her arm. "Jude, I don't see her that way, I swear."

Jude laughs in surprise. "I know. I'm not _upset_ about it. I like Zeppelin. I think it's awesome that she decided to stay when Paegan left. I like that she believes in NBR. She works hard, she's really smart… I told you, I think the fact that she has a crush on you is funny. It doesn't have to change anything. I just assumed you knew."

"I didn't." He glances worriedly up the stairs. "Should I say something to her?"

"Man, I forgot boys are oblivious." she mutters to herself, rolling her eyes. Then, to Jamie, she says, "Jame, the worst thing you could do would be to say something. Like you said, she knows you and I are together and nothing's going to happen, so letting her know that you know would just embarrass her. I shouldn't have said anything about it. I honestly just assumed you knew."

"How long have you… When did you notice?"

"I don't know. A long time ago." She shrugs. "It's no big deal."

"It doesn't… bother you?"

Jude's surprised by that. "No, of course not."

"Oh." Jamie looks a little hurt for a second, though he covers it up quickly.

She sighs. "Jamie, I trust you, and I like Zeppelin. So why should it bother me? It's not a big deal. What can I say? I'm not the jealous type. Besides," she winks at him. "how can I blame her?"

Jamie smiles at that, and leans over to kiss her. "I guess you can't."


	5. Chapter 5

Tommy _and Jude have been working on her third album for a few months now, and they're managing the tension. It's not like there hasn't been tension between them before—God knows it's been there in one form or another for years—and they've learned to work around it. In the beginning, just after G-Major re-opened, he'd tried cold professionalism, but they could never stay indifferent like that. Because, despite what she probably thinks, he's never really been that good at closing himself off to her. No matter who she chose, she's still Jude, and he's still Tommy, and they still have a bond, even if it's only as friends and musicians. So even if he loves her (and he's actually doing pretty well convincing himself he doesn't) and he can't be with her the way he wanted, what they have is good. Maybe even good enough._

 _…and then there are weeks like this one._

 _It's a perfect storm, really. For one, they're both stressing about the album. They haven't found the right song for a summer single, and the fact that Darius has practically extorted Jude into judging this season of Instant Star isn't helping at all. Tommy can tell she's beyond stressed. She's been biting her nails until they bleed, and he suspects she hasn't really been sleeping. For that matter, neither has he._

 _That's the other thing. The last couple of weeks, he's been having sex dreams about Jude again, so vivid he can still feel her for a minute when he wakes up. What's worse is that it even happens when Lorena is staying over, which has been increasingly often lately. He likes Lorena. He likes her a lot, in fact, so much it kind of surprises him. When he met her at the gala, he expected a one time thing, but one time turned into two, and then three, and then suddenly she's sleeping at his place a couple times a week. She's sarcastic and witty, but she's also kind and thoughtful, and a really talented producer. And she's gorgeous, of course, and the sex is great. He's lucky to be with her, and that makes it so much more fucked up when he wakes up next to her and all he wants for a moment is to go back to dreaming, or for her to be someone else. Then he comes to work, and the first sight of Jude usually feels like a punch to the gut. For at least that first second, he's unable to keep himself from picturing her naked and wrapping her legs around him._

 _So it's probably not a surprise, then, that Tommy and Jude have been at each other's throats all day today. They just cannot agree on which song would work best as a single. Tommy misses the days when he was sole producer and could play that trump card when she was wrong about stuff like this. But instead they're co-producers who share creative control, and Jude, true to form, is being stubborn as hell._

 _After five minutes of shouting at each other, he finally suggested they should just take a long lunch. She stormed off, and now he feels guilty. He knows she's stressed. They both are, but her reasons are probably a little more legitimate. She's still wrong, about the song, but he could at least not be an ass about it. He realizes he should have just offered a compromise by having them finish recording both, then taking the finished songs to Kwest or Darius or someone to be a tiebreaker if they still couldn't agree on which would make the better single. He glances at his watch. There's another ten minutes before they said they'd get back, so he decides to set up to record her song choice as a peace offering._

 _He heads to Studio C to grab the mic he needs, and finds the door is locked. He's a little surprised, but since no one ever uses the studio, he doesn't think too much of it, just grabs his keys and unlocks the door. When he walks in, he sees that there's a couple having sex on the couch. He cries, "Jesus Christ!" but when the girl looks up at him, eyes wide, his heart nearly stops._

 _It's Jude and Jamie._

 _Jude's staring at Tommy like a deer in headlights, and his expression mirrors hers. Jamie hisses, "Shit!" as he tries to turn around to look at Tommy and falls off the couch, which breaks Jude from her trance._

 _She grabs Jamie's jacket from the back of the couch and uses it to cover herself. Tommy's still staring at her, frozen in shock and horror. She cries, "get the hell out!" and it takes him another second to get his shit together enough to comply, practically tripping over himself on the way out the door, shutting it behind him._

 _"Shit." Jude groans. "Oh God." She looks at Jamie, who's on the floor. "Are you okay?"_

 _"I thought you locked the door!"_

 _"I did!" she protests, "I don't know–" she groans again as she remembers. "Tommy has keys."_

 _"Damn." Jamie breathes. "At least it wasn't Darius or somebody." He grins at her._

 _She smacks him in the head with the back of her hand. "This is not funny, Jamie."_

 _"Ow!" he laughs. "And come on. It's a little funny. Did you see his face?"_

 _"I saw it." she sighs, putting her face in her hands. "God dammit."_

 _After a moment he says, "You still have like ten minutes left. If the damage is done, we might as well–" he cuts off with another laugh as she tries to hit him again, and he leans out of the way. "Hey!"_

"No." _she says, throwing his shirt at him. "Mood officially killed, okay? Put your damn clothes on."_

 _._

 _Tommy, meanwhile, is reeling as he leaves the room. He doesn't know why this is affecting him so deeply, because he knows Jude and Jamie are together, have been together for a few months now, and it shouldn't really be a surprise that they're also having sex._

 _Jude is 18. Jude is with someone else, and so is he. Jude is not his. He should be able to let this go._

 _But the shock is turning to fierce anger and pain, so he heads to his office, thinking of the flask he keeps in his desk. It's not like he's really in the habit of drinking at work, but sometimes he needs a little something to take the edge off, and now is definitely_ _one of those times. He walks past Kwest, and almost doesn't notice him._

 _"Whoa, T." Kwest says, catching Tommy's attention. "What's up? You look like you've just seen a ghost or something."_

 _"Or something." Tommy mutters, then shakes his head and says, "It's nothing." Kwest looks skeptical, but Tommy walks away before he can ask any more questions._

 _._

 _"Do you want me to go apologize to him or something?" Jamie asks after they're both re-dressed._

 _Jude rolls her eyes. "Yeah, because you and Tommy have such a great relationship."_

 _"Hey. I'm just trying to help."_

 _She shakes her head. "It's fine, Jame. Like you said, at least it wasn't Darius or somebody." Jude can't help but think she'd rather it have been Darius, Spied, Kwest… anybody, really, instead of Tommy, but she can't say that to Jamie, who's sensitive enough when it comes to him. "It's just… so awkward."_

 _"No kidding." Jamie grimaces._

 _"It's fine." she says again. "I have to go record."_

 _"Okay." he puts a hand on her shoulder. "I'm sorry."_

 _She sighs. "Not your fault."_

 _"Quincy will get over it."_

 _"Yeah, I know." She starts to walk out of the room and he stops her._

 _"Hey." he says gently, pulling her into a hug. "I'll see you later. I love you."_

 _She smiles and pulls back to kiss him. "Love you too."_

 _Jude sits in studio A for almost fifteen minutes, waiting for Tommy to come back to finish recording. When he doesn't, she goes to find him. Kwest is at hospitality pouring himself coffee, so she asks, "hey, have you seen Tommy?"_

 _Kwest looks a little surprised. "I saw him a while ago. I think he was headed to his office. Did something happen?"_

 _"No." she says, too quickly. "Why? What did he say?"_

 _"Uh, nothing, he just looked…" He frowns. "You're sure nothing happened?"_

 _"You think he tells me anything?" she jokes feebly. "I never have any idea what goes on with him. He's in his office, you said?"_

 _"Yeah, but Jude–"_

 _She cuts him off with a "seriously, everything's fine" and walks away._

 _When she knocks on Tommy's office door, she hears him say "go away," so she opens the door. He's sitting in his desk chair, turned away from the door, but he turns as she comes in and shuts the door behind her. He sighs. "Jude, I can't do this right now."_

 _"Do what right now? We're supposed to be recording." She notices the flask in his hand. "Are you_ drinking?!" _she cries, incredulous, walking up to the desk. He quickly takes another drink and screws the lid back on the flask, putting it back in the drawer. "What the hell, Quincy? Since when do you keep alcohol in your desk?"_

 _"You would too, if you had you as an artist, trust me."_

 _She ignores the weak insult. "How often are you drunk at work? Does my music mean that little to you?!"_

 _"I'm not drunk!" he protests. "Jesus! I had a few swallows! Can you just– No, you know what? I can't do this. I have a headache."_

 _"So take a fucking aspirin and get back to work!"_

 _"I. Can't. Do this." he says through clenched teeth. "Please get out." He shuts his eyes, putting a hand up to his forehead._

 _"Oh, wow, okay. Very professional."_

 _His head snaps up at that. "You want to talk professionalism right now, Jude? Really?"_

 _"Oh, don't give me that shit." she scoffs and rolls her eyes. "Like you've never had sex at G-Major, Tommy Q." She intended to be contrite about the sex at work thing, but now he's pissed her off. The damn hypocrite. "Random models, groupies, interns–"_

 _"I don't want to have this conversation!"_

 _"–not to mention my_ fucking _sister! I don't want to have this conversation either! I wanted to get back to work, but my co-producer is sitting in his office sulking and getting wasted."_

 _"For the last time, I am_ not _drunk!" he cries. "And_ you _were not working."_

 _"We took lunch!" she protests. "What the hell is wrong with you?" She narrows her eyes. "What is this really about, Tommy?"_

 _A spike of fear goes through him. "Jude, don't."_

 _"I didn't do anything wrong! You have no right to be mad at me for having sex with my boyfriend!"_

 _"Don't you think I know that?!" He stands up out of his chair, shouting at her. "You think I want to care about what you and Andrews do?!"_

 _"Why do you?!" She's been unconsciously moving closer as they fight, and now she's standing right on the other side of the desk._

 _"You don't want to go there." His voice is low and threatening._

 _"Why does this bother you so much?"_

 _"Don't."_

 _Her heart is pounding, and the intensity of his eyes makes her insides turn molten. "Say it." she hisses._

 _Finally, he can't hold it in anymore, with her staring at him so defiantly, daring him, so he says, "Because I thought_ I _would be your first." Her eyes widen and he continues, "Because I_ wanted _to be."_

 _He's leaned in towards her and she can practically feel his breath on her face he's so close. "Tommy…" she breathes, but he finds himself unable to stop speaking. Now that he's opened the floodgates he can't seem to close them._

 _"I_ want _you." His expression is fierce, eyes burning into hers. "Every second of every day. Is that what you wanted to hear? Do you want me to tell you how it's driving me crazy? That I dream about you almost every night? Because it is, and I do. Every morning when I walk into the studio, all I can think about is pushing you up against the wall and fucking you until you scream my name." He practically growls the last part. "So no. I can't handle seeing you with him."_

 _They're both breathing heavily, as if they've just run a sprint, and Jude feels like every nerve in her body is electrified. She's frozen in place, totally unable to respond. When she kept pushing him, she mostly expected him to just tell her to get out again, or maybe even admit he was jealous of Jamie, but never in a million years did she expect_ that.

 _He breaks eye contact first as the reality of what he's just said hits him. He looks at her, horrified, for half a second, then looks down at his desk and says, "you need to get out. Please. I need you to go."_

 _"Tommy, I–"_

 _"Out!" he shouts, pointing to the door. "Now!"_

 _She turns away and walks to the door as he sits back down and puts his head in his hands. But she stops with her hand on the doorknob. The words 'until you scream my name' are burning in her mind, along with three years of her own dreams and fantasies about him. Instead of opening the door, her hand goes to the lock._

 _He hears the lock engage and he looks up, surprised. "What the hell are you doing?"_

 _She doesn't really know, truthfully, but she starts slowly walking back towards him. "You can't just… Tommy, you can't just say stuff like that and expect me to…" she cuts off, shaking her head as she reaches the desk._

 _"What are you doing?" he asks again, slowly standing up out of the chair_

 _"You said you thought you'd be my first." Jude can hear her pulse pounding in her ears. "So did I."_

 _"Jude, no." he's warning her again, and his eyes are wide, but they're also dark with desire. "I should not have said any of that. I didn't… I shouldn't have…"_

 _"What if I want you too?" her voice is barely above a whisper._

 _He shakes his head "You don't know what you're saying."_

 _That makes her angry. "I'm not a child!" She steps around the desk so she's standing in front of him. "You think you're the only one with fantasies, Tommy? You think you're the only one having dreams?"_

 _He shakes his head again, faster. "Jude, please. You don't–"_

 _"I want you too." she says it adamantly this time. She takes another step closer to him, putting a hand up to the side of his face. "I watch you while you work, I watch your fingers on the mixer or the keyboard or the guitar, and I think about your hands on me." her voice is breathless. She slides her hand down his torso, hooking her fingers into the waistband of his jeans and pulling him to her. He's running out of self-control. She's so close… "Tommy, please." she breathes his name. "I need you."_

 _"Andrews." Tommy chokes out._

 _She whispers, "Sometimes when I'm with him I think about you." and that's the end of his willpower. He tangles his fingers in her hair and kisses her fiercely. She wraps her legs around his waist as he lifts her up onto his desk, scattering papers in the process._

 _Somewhere in an alternate universe, their first time is tender and sweet. There, he takes his time, he savors every second, every inch of her body. There, she's really all his, and as they make love he can tell her how much he loves her, that she's who he's been waiting for his whole life, that he will never feel this way about anyone else. There, he lays with her and holds her close afterwards, and she falls asleep curled against him as he strokes her hair._

 _Here, in reality, he fucks her on his desk in his office at G-Major. There's a frantic element to it, partly because of how desperately he wants her, but mostly because they're both terrified of getting caught. She buries her face in his shoulder so no one hears her. There's a thrill to the secrecy that in another context might be hot, but the guilt is too strong for that, and he just finds himself desperately wishing they didn't have to hide._

 _He's actually gentler than she expected. He asks "is this okay?" before he unbuttons her jeans, and then again as he pulls out a condom. He looks into her eyes as he enters her for the first time, and she knows she sees more emotion in his eyes than just lust. There's tenderness in the way he kisses her, the way his hands roam over her skin. And it's not like they cuddle or anything after, but he holds her for a while longer than he really has to, pressing his lips to her hair._

 _When they're both fully dressed again, he puts his hand on her cheek and kisses her softly. He whispers, "Are you okay?" and it's_ her _look on his face as he says it. She nods, though her insides are all tied in knots and there are tears in her eyes. He looks deeply sad as he says, "Jude, we…"_

 _She blinks the tears back, nodding, and says it so he doesn't have to. "We can't tell anyone about this. This never happened."_

 _The words make his chest ache, but he nods too. He strokes her cheek gently with his thumb, then leans his forehead against hers for a moment and breathes, "I'm so sorry."_

 _She pulls back and clears her throat, taking a few steps back from him. "We should, uh, call it a day, probably. We can finish recording tomorrow."_

 _"Yeah, okay." He nods. His voice is hoarse, but he makes an effort to put back on the mask of producer. This is where it starts, then, pretending this never happened. "Uh, we can record both songs and have Darius be tiebreaker as far as which to release for a single."_

 _"Sounds like a plan." she forces a smile, flushing as she looks behind him at the scattered papers by his desk. "I'll, um, I'll see you tomorrow."_

 _All he can muster is a nod, and she leaves without saying anything else. He sits back at his desk, which will remind him of her for the rest of time, now, and grabs the flask back out of the top drawer._

* * *

 **A/N:** Gosh, it's Friday already? My life is incredibly crazy and stressful at the moment, but reading your reviews has brightened many of my very rough days this week.

At least my life isn't as fucked up as Jude and Tommy though lbr


	6. Chapter 6

Jude is woken up by the sound of her cell phone ringing. She reaches over to the night stand and grabs it, groggily murmuring, "hello?"

"Hey girl." Tommy's voice comes from the speaker.

"Tommy? What time is it?"

"It's like 9:30."

She groans. "9 AM booty calls on my day off are not exactly my thing."

"Yeah, me neither." he says, and she can practically hear him rolling his eyes. "I like that one-track mind of yours, don't get me wrong, but this isn't a social call."

"What?"

"I'm at work. I'm calling to give you a heads up. I don't know exactly what's going down, but I think Darius is trying to pull something. I think there might be a loophole in your contract."

She sits up so fast she gets dizzy. "Wait, what? Tell me what you know."

He goes on to say he overheard Darius with the lawyers. "I think he's going to make you do a single he can use to kick off this World Instant Star idea of his. He's doing a compilation album."

"What?" she cries. "He can't do that! I'm not contracted to G-Major anymore! My contract ended after my third album, and I didn't renew."

"I know, but it looks like there's some loophole regarding Instant Star. From what I can tell, it's not the contract you signed with G-Major after D took over, it's the contract you signed with the original television show when you entered the competition."

"I was _fifteen_ when I signed that! I didn't have a lawyer or an agent look at it, my dad was my manager… I barely even remember it. So, what, then? D's forcing me to come back?"

"I don't know details, but I think he might be. My guess is just for one song, and probably just for a track, no live performances."

"If all he wants is a song, he owns my third album, he could use a recording! I have work to do here, NBR is–" she cuts off with a sigh when she realizes. "Damn. That's why he's doing it, isn't it? Because of NBR?"

"Maybe. It's at least partly a power play, prove G-Major will always own you, but I think mostly it's motivated by the money. Your third album killed. And you're always gonna be the original Instant Star, girl. D will ride that wave as long as it will make him money."

"Apparently I should've intentionally bombed on the third album." she mutters. "Maybe then he'd just let me go."

"You could never put out a bad album. You're too talented for that, and you care too much"

"Curse my incredible talent!" she jokes.

He laughs. "Curse _my_ incredible talent, more like. I taught you everything you know, after all."

"You did _not_ teach me _everything_ I know." Jude scoffs.

"You just keep telling yourself that." He's grinning like an idiot now, and he's glad no one can see him.

She rolls her eyes even though he can't see her. "You're a jackass."

"You love it." he shoots back without thinking, and there's a beat of awkward silence because that just came a _little_ too close to the truth that there are feelings, real feelings, between them.

Jude quickly says, "Yeah, you just keep telling yourself that." and gets back on topic. "So you think he's going to be able to make me come back?"

Tommy sighs. "Not for long, since you don't have a contract with G Major, but for a single? Maybe. I just wanted to give you a heads up."

"Do you think I should try to fight it?"

"I don't know." Selfishly, a big part of him wants her to come back. He misses working with her. Still, he's angry that Darius would away her control over her own career. Again. "I'm so sorry."

She sighs heavily, but says "Thanks for warning me, I guess."

"I wish I could do more."

"No, that's… it's fine. I guess the worst that happens is I have to come back to G-Major for a while, see your face again every day."

"The horror" he intones dryly.

She laughs. "Speaking of, am I going to see you at all this week?"

"Uh… I hope so. I want to, but I don't know. Lorena is maybe working late on Wednesday but I'm not sure–" he cuts off, and she hears him call "One second!" to someone. "Hey, sorry. I have to go. And sorry for waking you. I wanted to warn you about Darius. I'll text you later?"

"Yeah. Thanks. Like, thanks for looking out for me or whatever."

"Yeah, always. Anything for you, girl." He hangs up the phone as Kwest walks in.

"Who was that?" Kwest asks. "Lorena?"

"What? Uh, no. Jude." Tommy says nonchalantly. Kwest raises his eyebrows, and Tommy frowns. "What? I think D's pulling some shit with Jude's contract, I was giving her a heads-up."

"I didn't say anything." Kwest puts his hands up.

Tommy scowls. "Can we just work on this?" He turns back to the board and mutters, "Stay out of my damn business."

Kwest shrugs. "Whatever you say, T."

 _… ... ... ... …_

 _The evening of the incident in Tommy's office, Jude has just gotten out of the shower when she hears the doorbell. Kwest and Sadie are out to dinner, so she heads downstairs to answer it. Her stomach flips when she sees Tommy standing on her porch. "Quincy, what the hell are you doing here?" she asks as she opens the door. She thinks for a moment of Jamie next door, worrying that he might see Tommy's car and assume… well, correctly. But no, Jamie's gone too, out picking up sound equipment with Paegan. "Is this about–"_

 _"No." Tommy cuts her off. "Not about today."_

 _"Then why–"_

 _"It's important."_

 _"Uh, then I guess come in." She moves aside and he enters the house. "What's up?" she asks as she closes the door, trying to sound casual, and to not think about the fact that she's not wearing a bra under her tank top. She crosses her arms over her chest. He doesn't look so good, she realizes as she turns to him. He looks anxious and pale, and his eyes are bloodshot._ _Concern pushes the awkwardness out of her mind. "Hey, are you okay?"_

 _He looks at her and shakes his head slowly. "Not exactly." He doesn't know how to break this to her, especially given what happened today._

 _"Here, sit." She steps into the living room and sits on the couch, patting the seat next to her. She angles her body toward him as he sits down. "What's up?"_

 _"I'm…" he looks down at his hands and sighs. "You're going to need to finish the album on your own."_

 _"What?" she asks, incredulous. "What do you mean? Why?"_

 _He looks back up to meet her eyes. "I'm leaving."_

 _Her eyes widen. "Because of what happened today? Tommy, you can't–"_

 _"It is_ not _because of that." he says adamantly._

 _"We had sex, so you're leaving G-Major?"_

 _He sighs again. "I'm not leaving G-Major."_

 _"So you're just leaving me?" Despite her efforts not to get emotional, tears are pricking her eyes. It's not like she was exactly looking forward to going back to work with him after today's epic mistake, but the idea of him leaving horrifies her more than she would have expected. "You can't do that! Tommy!"_

 _"Hey, relax." He instinctively reaches out and puts a hand on her knee to calm her down. He pulls it back quickly. "I'm leaving Toronto. I'm going to be back, but maybe not for a while. Not until the end of the summer at the earliest, maybe longer."_

 _"I don't understand."_

 _"I have to go… home." As always, he grimaces when the word doesn't fit in his mouth right. He can't apply it to the place he grew up, can't quite make the label fit with how much his mother hates him._

 _"Home?"_

 _"To New Brunswick."_

 _"What? Why?"_

 _He fights not to get irritated, fights to remind himself that it makes sense for her to ask these questions. "I got a call from my brother, and he–"_

 _"You have a brother?" she interrupts, feeling a twinge of anger. After everything, how could she not even have known that about him? This is her oldest irritation with Tommy, the fact that he will never open up to her, especially about his past._

 _Tommy's lips press into a hard line. "Yes. Tristan."_

 _"Why didn't I know that?"_

 _"Jude, that's not the point! He got a job, and now I need to go back."_

 _"Because your brother got a job?" she asks. Tommy gives a sigh of exasperation, and she protests, "I'm just trying to understand."_

 _He stands, walking to the fireplace a few feet away. He turns away as he says, "I need to go look after my mother, okay? Tristan's been doing it for ages, but he got a job on a fishing boat, and now he's going to be gone for a while, so I won't be able to finish the album with you." he looks back. "Kwest will come on as your engineer, and you'll have full creative control. We can talk over Skype and you can call me, but–"_

 _"Is your mom sick?"_

 _Tommy frowns. "It's fine. Don't worry about it."_

 _"Tommy!" Jude protests_

 _He takes a deep breath. "She… has early Alzheimer's."_

 _"I'm so sorry." Jude says, and he shrugs a little and looks down at the ground. There's something else, though, she can tell. After a moment she says, "You really don't want to go."_

 _He looks up, a little surprised. "Uh… I mean, yeah, your album is important to me too, but it's my family. I don't have a choice."_

 _She stands up and walks over to the fireplace, standing in front of him. "No, I mean… It's not about not wanting to leave here, it's about not wanting to go home."_

 _Her prying irritates him, but there's a part of him that's touched she's read that in his face, that she knows him well enough to know that, even when he goes to such lengths to close himself off from her. He looks around at her living room, at the family photos on the mantle and the walls, and shakes his head. "My home wasn't like your home, Jude."_

 _"Why?"_

 _"I don't want to get into it." he snaps._

 _But Jude has never been one to stop pushing. "Was it your mom?" She watches his face, sees the flash of pain. He looks younger for a moment, scared and lost, even as he crosses his arms and looks away from her, and it breaks her heart. "What did she do to you?" she asks quietly._

 _He meets her eyes, surprised again at how she's read him. Her concern is so earnest that he answers her. "She just pretty much can't stand the sight of me, y'know?"_

 _Jude looks devastated. "How could she think that about you?"_

 _"Pretty easily." he laughs, harsh and sharp._

 _"Hey!" she protests, putting a hand on the side of his face for a moment. "Don't say that. You are a good person, Tommy."_

 _He smiles sardonically. "You still think that after today?"_

 _She shakes her head, looking down. "Today was my fault."_

 _"Fault?" he asks quietly._

 _"It was a mistake, right? So… yeah, my fault."_

 _He lowers his voice even further, looking at her with an expression she can't decipher. "Then what does it say about me that I don't regret it?" He reaches out to brush a lock of her still-wet hair behind her ear, trailing his fingers along her jaw, then across her bare collarbone._

 _She shivers. "Tommy…"_

 _"Kwest and Sadie?" he asks in a whisper._

 _Jude shakes her head. "Out. But we can't."_

 _"I know." Tommy removes his hand, stepping back slightly and fixing his eyes on her face again._

 _"You're really leaving?" she asks quietly._

 _He nods. "I have to."_

 _"I feel like maybe I should be relieved."_

 _He raises his eyebrows. "Ouch."_

 _"No, I just mean… I don't know how to go back to work and act like nothing happened."_

 _He nods again. "This way we don't have to."_

 _She sighs. "But I'm not relieved, I'm just sad."_

 _"It's temporary."_

 _"But once the album is finished, we won't be working together anymore. I'm leaving G-Major."_

 _"You think you'll never see me again if we're not working together?" He smiles a little. "You can't get rid of me that easy, girl."_

 _She shakes her head. "It won't be the same, though."_

 _"Maybe the ship has already sailed on it being the same." he says quietly, reaching a hand out to touch her cheek again._

 _"Tommy, we agreed–"_

 _"It never happened." he finishes. "I know. But Jude, it did happen."_

 _Her eyes start to fill with tears. "Jamie is–"_

 _"I know." Tommy says again, cutting her off, because he still doesn't want to hear her say it. "I'm not saying…" he sighs in frustration and pulls his hand back. "Look. I know that we have to pretend like nothing happened. I get that. I agree. But all I'm saying is, today didn't come out of nowhere, and even if we hadn't…" He shakes his head and pulls away, taking a step backwards and looking down at the ground. "Never mind. It doesn't matter. I'm going to New Brunswick, and I'm going to be there for a while." He looks back up at her. "I just wanted to let you know in person. We'll still talk, and I can still help you out with the album, it's just going to be different."_

 _She takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. "Okay. Yeah. And I'm really sorry about your mom. I wish there was something I could–"_

 _"It's fine." he snaps, cutting her off. Then his voice softens, because her concern is as touching as it is irritating. "Thanks." Another moment of eye contact has him feeling that electricity again, so he clears his throat and says, "I should get going."_

 _She nods, but as he turns and starts to walk to her front door, her heart twists and she says, "Tommy, wait." He stops and turns back to her, and she rushes forward to wrap her arms around him. "I'm really going to miss you." she says into his shoulder._

 _He hugs her back tightly. "I'll miss you too, girl."_

* * *

 **A/N:** Happy Friday! I think this chapter should've cleared up a little about where the flashbacks fall in the context of the canon 4th season. If you would like further clarification about that or about anything, go ahead and leave a review (a signed/not guest review, preferably, so I can reply,) or send me a message!

I also find it interesting that a few people said stuff like "I wasn't expecting it to go down like that" about the last chapter. I'm curious as to what you were expecting, and what about the way I wrote it surprised you. Jude and Tommy are impulsive people, and it made sense to me that this would've started impulsively, like many other points in their canon relationship, except with a greater degree of self-control/judgement lost (obviously). (When I try to type judgement, I frequently type "Judement" which is yet another indication that I spend way too much time writing/thinking about Instant Star)


	7. Chapter 7

As Jude suspected he would be, Jamie is furious about the Darius thing. She put off telling him until she was sure she couldn't get out of it… which happened to be when Darius showed up at her door wearing a smug grin.

"Look, Jamie, I don't have a choice." Jude protests as Jamie paces back and forth in her kitchen. "Can you please calm down?"

He turns back to her and sighs "I know, I know. I get that you didn't have a choice. I'm not angry at you, I'm angry at Darius. How can he just come in here and tell you he's making you come back?"

Jude shrugs one shoulder. "I don't know, Jame. It's not the contract I signed with G-Major when D took over, it's the contract I signed with the show when I auditioned."

"And you had a lawyer look at it?"

Jude sighs. "No."

"Oh, well then do that!" Jamie looks relieved. "You have lawyers, have them try to fight this."

She shakes her head. "It's not worth it."

He frowns. "What do you mean it's not worth it?"

"I mean, it's not a new contract, it's one song. It's not worth paying a lawyer to tell me what D already said."

"You're saying you want to do this?" he looks taken aback.

"No, of course not, but I'm saying it's no big deal. He's not making me come back for good. It'll be a couple weeks in the studio. No big deal."

"So you're not even going to fight him on this? You're just going to roll over? What kind of precedent does that set?"

"Precedent? How many loopholes do you think there are going to be? It's _one_ _song_. Tommy said he's pretty sure–"

"Tommy said?" Jamie's eyebrows shoot up and he cuts her off. "You talked to him about this?"

"Yeah." Jude frowns. "He called to warn me a week ago."

"So you knew?" His anger is directed at her now. "You knew about this, and you didn't tell me?"

She looks a little guilty. "I… wanted to see if I could get out of it before you found out."

"Before I found out?" He looks incredulous. "Jude! You can't keep things like this from me!"

"I knew you'd be mad!" Jude protests. "I didn't want you to be if you didn't have to!"

"We're partners, Jude! And not just in NBR! You need to tell me when important stuff happens." The hurt comes out in his voice. "You talked to Quincy and you didn't talk to me?"

"It's not like that! Jame, it's not like I talked to him because I thought it was more important for him to _know_ or something, I… he was the one who told me in the first place. He was helping me try to find a way out of it."

"Really? But not by talking to a lawyer? Not by actually fighting it?" His frown deepens. "You know what I think? I think you want to go back. And I _know_ Quincy wants you to come back."

Jude crosses her arms, looking hurt. "What are you accusing me of, Jamie?"

His angry expression fades into guilt. "Nothing. I'm sorry."

"Really? Because that sure sounded like an accusation."

"I didn't mean it." He steps towards her, and she takes a step back.

"I think you did. You think I don't care about NBR. You think I want to go back to G-Major. What, like Paegan did?"

"Jude, of course not, I just–"

"You think I'm in this business for the fame? That I'd abandon you for the chance to get it back?"

"No, of course not." He sighs again. "I didn't mean that, I swear. I know this isn't your fault."

"I care about NBR, Jamie. I care about _you_."

"I know." Jamie insists, walking up to her and putting his hands on her upper arms. "I know you do." He smiles a little, sliding his hands down her arms to squeeze her hands.

She bites her lip for a moment, then sighs. "Then can we just drop it, please?"

He frowns and drops her hands. "I still don't get why you won't fight Darius on this."

Jude fights not to roll her eyes. "Can you please just trust that I know what I'm doing?" She sounds frustrated again. "I've been in this business, working for Darius, for a long time. Tommy basically has been for half his life, okay? It has nothing to do with what I want to do, or what I care about. It's a _business_ decision, one about _my_ career, and you need to trust me with it."

Jamie looks at her for a long moment, then takes a deep breath, letting it out in a sigh. "Okay."

"Thank you." She sighs too, relieved.

There's a long silence, neither of them looking at each other, until Jamie quietly says. "You can't keep things from me, Jude."

She looks up. "I don't." she insists, ignoring the bite of the guilt, like acid in the back of her throat. "I just didn't want to… I don't want to upset you. I thought maybe I'd be able to get out of it before you had to know."

"I can take it. You don't have to protect me. I just want you to be honest with me, okay?"

"Of course. Always." Her voice is tight, but he doesn't seem to notice, just pulls her to him and kisses her. When they break apart, she says "Hey. I love you, you know?"

He smiles. "Yeah. I love you too."

It's these moments, when he's looking at her with a smile that lights up his whole face, that there's no one she loves more in the world, and nowhere else she'd rather be.

… ... ... ... …

 _The summer without Tommy is actually easier than Jude expected. She misses him a lot when she's in the studio, is constantly wishing he was there to help her with the album, but when she's not working on music, she does a pretty good job of not thinking about him too much._

 _They do talk a little less than once a week, on the phone or on Skype, but his internet and cell reception are both infuriatingly spotty, so when she calls, or he does, they're short conversations, and she tries to stick to the topic of the music._

 _When they skype and the picture is clear enough for her to see, more often than not he looks tired. Tired and sad, she thinks, in a way that makes her heart ache for him. But when she asks him how he is, how things are going, he'll only say "fine," and when she pries, he gets angry fast. After the sixth or seventh time he bit her head off, she finally stopped asking for details._

 _Jude rarely thinks about that day in Tommy's office anymore, but sometimes the memory hits her out of nowhere and fills her with sickening guilt all over again. For the most part, though, she's doing a good job pretending like it never happened. She and Jamie are doing better than ever, and she's excited to work with him once she finishes the album._

 _Her last album with G-Major, and the first she's finishing without Tommy. It's fitting, in a way, like a transition to being on her own. Tommy's still able to listen to the music, and his feedback has been crucial (mainly dialing her back from her tendency to want to over-produce and add too many instruments), but she's doing the day-to-day work on her own. It feels good._

 _The day she hands the final mix to Darius, reluctantly relinquishes control of her precious final G-Major album, she calls Tommy as soon as she leaves D's office. He answers, but she can tell immediately that he sounds more than stressed, like he's completely at the end of his rope. Someone is shouting in the background. The first thing he says is "not a good time, girl."_

 _"Sorry." she apologizes quickly. "I can call you back later, it's not urgent or anything. I just gave the final mix to Darius."_

 _"You did?" Tommy sounds shocked. "Wait, that was today?"_

 _"Yeah, I just walked out of his office."_

 _There's a short pause before he says "hang on just a minute okay?"_

 _"I can call back later, if you–"_

 _He cuts her off. "No, it's fine, just give me one minute." She hears muffled voices shouting, though she can't make out what they're saying, then the shouting calms down. After another long silence, Tommy's voice comes back on the line. "Sorry."_

 _"Is everything okay?"_

 _He answers before she's finished with the question. "It's fine."_

 _"If you need to take care of your–"_

 _"Jude! It's fine!" he snaps. She hears a door close, and his voice softens. "Seriously, it's all good. Tell me about the album. You really gave him the final mix today? It's really done?"_

 _"Yeah. I finished it last night. I didn't want to admit it was done, I wanted to keep tweaking it. Kwest basically had to pry my fingers off of the board this morning, but it's good that he did."_

 _"You didn't tell me." Tommy sounds a little hurt, though she can tell he's trying to hide it. "I thought you had another week."_

 _"No, D wanted it yesterday, actually. But that's been the deadline for weeks now. I did tell you that. And I e-mailed you all the songs a couple days ago."_

 _Tommy groans. "My internet's been out. I didn't get it. Did you change much since the last time I heard it?"_

 _"Not too much. Did you ever listen to it all the way through?"_

 _"No." he sighs heavily. "I listened to all the songs, most of them more than once, but I never just sat down and listened to it as an album." There's a moment of silence before he asks again, "so it's really done?"_

 _"It's really done." she confirms. "Darius okayed it. Production starts this week, distribution next week, then the release at the end of the month."_

 _"Wow." is all he says._

 _She can't tell what he's feeling, can't decipher his tone, so after a long pause, she asks, "good wow or bad wow?"_

 _"Just… wow. I don't know. I guess I just hoped I'd be back, at least for some of it."_

 _She sighs. "Yeah, me too."_

 _"This was it, right? You're leaving G-Major?"_

 _"Yeah. Three album contract. No renewing."_

 _"Wow." he says again, and gives another heavy sigh. "End of an era, girl."_

 _A lump has formed in her throat, and she swallows hard. "It's good, though, right? I mean, this is what I wanted. It's gonna be good, right?"_

 _"It's going to be great." he says. He sounds sure, and it makes her feel better. "Running a label, producing other artists… You're gonna love it." He pauses again, and his voice is soft and low when he speaks again. "Jude, I am so proud of you."_

 _Jude's insides clench, his voice making goosebumps stand up on her arms. The memory of his lips on her neck, just the ghost of a sensation, makes her shiver. There's a moment before she can choke out "thank you."_

 _They stay on the line for a while longer, neither of them saying anything, until there's a noise in the background and Tommy says "shit" under his breath, and then "Hey, sorry. I have to go."_

 _"Oh, yeah, okay."_

 _"I'm gonna listen to the album as soon as I have the chance, okay?"_

 _"Yeah. Let me know what you think."_

 _"I'm sure it's amazing. And look, I…" he seems to hesitate, then says "I really miss you. And I'm going to miss working with you. I…" he sighs again. "yeah. Just that." Jude doesn't know how to respond, but he doesn't give her time anyway, saying, "sorry, I really have to go. I'll talk to you later." and hanging up._

* * *

 **A/N:** *gasp* a surprise Monday update!

I want to say that I'm sorry if the pace of this story has seemed a little slow for some people, but all I can say is that's the way I've written it. I'm a slow burn kind of a gal. I don't like chapters on chapters of fluff, so I'm not in the habit of resolving things too quickly. That either appeals to you or it doesn't, but either way this story is already all written, so nothing major is going to change :P

Thanks for your readership and for your reviews.


	8. Chapter 8

Everything at G Major looks the same as ever, and it's more than a little surreal for Jude. When she walks into Studio A, Tommy and Kwest are there, and she feels a wave of deja vu. Tommy notices her first, and his slow smile makes her stomach flip. He crosses his arms and leans back against the sound board. "Jude Harrison, back in the studio."

"In the flesh." She smiles.

Kwest turns to her. "Welcome back, Superstar! I'm sorry things with D went down the way they did."

Jude shrugs. "I'm over it. It's one song, and I had time to kind of come to terms with it." She looks back at Tommy. "So thanks for that."

"Of course." He nods.

"How are things over at NBR?" Kwest asks the question nonchalantly, but Jude stiffens.

"Fine." she says coolly, managing to leave off the implied _"no thanks to you."_ The fact that Kwest put his loyalty to G Major over his loyalty to her and Jamie is something Jude has had to get past, if only because they live in the same house, but it's still a sore subject they usually avoid.

Tommy interjects "I'll give you back soon, promise."

Jude smiles again, turning back to Tommy. "And of course you need to get back to Karma." she teases. He grimaces, which makes her laugh.

"Well then, Harrison, you ready to do this?" Tommy asks.

She raises an eyebrow. "You ready to show me how it's done?"

He smirks, lowering his voice. "I don't think you need me to show you, girl."

The air practically crackles with electricity for a second, and Jude can feel her breath catch a little, a flush creeping up the back of her neck under the heat of his gaze.

Kwest clears his throat then, which breaks them both from the momentary trance. "I'll leave you two to work, then. Jude, say hi to Jamie for me." he says it pointedly enough that it makes Tommy frown.

Jude's flustered, embarrassed and more than a little guilty, but she hides it, saying, "yeah, sure."

Kwest raises his eyebrows at Tommy for a brief moment before turning to leave, muttering "just like old times" as he does. Tommy rolls his eyes at his friend's retreating back.

When he's gone, Jude says quietly, "Tommy you don't think Kwest…"

Tommy's eyebrows shoot up. "Knows?" He shakes his head. "No, of course not. No one knows, Jude." Jude doesn't know if she's imagining the bitter edge to his words when he says the last part.

"If he suspects–"

"He doesn't." he says firmly. "Relax, Harrison."

She shrugs. "Sure, fine, whatever." He looks back to the sound board, so she says, "But Tom?"

He turns back, giving her a condescendingly indulgent smile. "Yes?"

"We should keep it professional at work, okay?"

"Excuse me, I have _always_ been professional." He flashes her a wolfish grin as he says it.

"I'm serious." she laughs a little as she says it, in spite of her words.

"So am I." he says innocently, but that look is still in his eyes, the one that makes goosebumps stand up on her arms.

She shakes her head. "That look is exactly what I'm talking about."

Tommy smiles, but breaks eye contact. "Okay, point taken. At work we work. Play me the song, then."

… ... ... ... …

 _Jude's phone vibrates as she walks down the stairs and into the basement studio, but she doesn't take it out. She's exhausted, having just returned from a very draining conversation with Darius about how she is not—repeat,_ not— _going to renew her G Major contract. The album is finished, the release less than three days away. Jude couldn't be prouder of it, but she's also way past ready to move on._

 _"Hey! How'd everything go?" Jamie asks when he sees her, looking up from the computer where he's browsing music forums._

 _"It was fine, I guess." She flops down on the couch. "Darius was trying to get me to renew, and I kept telling him no. He started talking about a tour, I told him I didn't want to, he insisted I'll change my mind…" she sighs and shakes her head._

 _"So, typical?" he gives her a sympathetic look._

 _"Yeah, pretty much." she remembers something, suddenly. "Hey, by the way, I saw Paegan there. He's still working at G Major?"_

 _Jamie nods. "He's still under contract, but he said he's been putting out crap recordings. Hopefully they'll just assume he doesn't have the talent anymore and let him go." He turns back to the computer._

 _There's something about the situation that doesn't seem quite right to Jude, the nagging feeling that Darius and Kwest are both too smart to fall for that kind of cheap trick, but she figures Jamie and Paegan know what they're doing, so she pushes the feeling away, saying nothing but "hmm." She pulls out her phone. There are two texts in her inbox, both from Tommy._

 _[From: Tommy]  
[15:30]  
hey i have some news_

 _[From: Tommy]  
[15:36]  
u busy sat night_

 _Jude raises her eyebrows and texts back._

 _[From: Jude]  
[15:36]  
um idk why? to skype?_

 _"Hey, we're not doing anything this Saturday night, are we?" she asks Jamie. "The album release party is Friday, so there shouldn't be anything else this weekend, right?"_

 _Jamie shrugs. "Nothing big, but you told me you'd finally watch Firefly with me."_

 _"Oh, right." She smiles at him, but when he turns back to the computer, she grimaces._

 _He seems to sense it, though, because he says "You don't have to if you really don't want to. But it's a great show, I swear. Joss Whedon's a genius. You're going to love it."_

 _"Yeah, sure." she says, sounding unconvinced. "Spaceships and whatever. Cool."_

 _Jamie turns back around, looking a little insulted. "It's not_ spaceships and whatever, _Jude, it's like… it's deep, and really witty, and the characters…" He smiles at her skeptical expression and shakes his head. "Seriously, just watch it, okay? Two episodes. That's all I'm asking, and then you can stop if you're not into it."_

 _"Yeah, yeah, I said I would." she insists, but her phone vibrates again, and she pulls it out._

 _[From: Tommy]  
[15:38]  
no not skype. come over and we can listen to the album_

 _[From: Tommy]  
[15:38]  
i get back to the city sat morning_

 _"Oh my God!" Jude exclaims out loud, sitting up straight._

 _Jamie says "what?" but she ignores him, texting back._

 _[From: Jude]  
[15:39]  
WHAT?_

 _"What is it?" Jamie asks again._

 _"It's Tommy. He says he's coming back to town."_

 _Jamie forces away the disappointment and jealousy. "For good or for a visit?"_

 _Jude's eyes are wide. "I don't know." When her phone chimes she looks back down at it eagerly._

 _[From: Tommy]  
[15:40]  
long story dont worry about it_

 _[From: Jude]  
[15:40]  
back for good or just weekend?_

 _She lets out a frustrated groan when he doesn't text back quickly enough. Jamie just sits quietly, watching her fidget with her phone, trying not to let her excitement upset him._

 _[From: Tommy]  
[15:41]  
moving back_

 _[From: Tommy]  
[15:41]  
so u free to come over at 7 sat?_

 _[From: Jude]  
[15:41]  
YES!_

 _Jude sends the reply without thinking, then looks up at Jamie guiltily. He sighs when he sees her expression. "He's coming back Saturday, isn't he? That's why you asked if we had plans?"_

 _Jude nods. "He wants to get together to listen to the album." she looks at him imploringly. "Can we watch fireflies another time?"_

 _"Jude, it's Fire_ fly _, not…" he trails off with a laugh, rolling his eyes and smiling at her. "Yeah, of course. Another time."_

 _"Thank you, Jame. You're seriously the best."_

 _"Tell me something I don't know." he jokes, then goes back to the computer, trying to convince himself that he has no reason to be jealous._

 _… ... ... ... …_

Kwest frowns slightly as he watches Tommy and Jude through the glass of the studio. There's something about it that's bothering him. They're not doing anything inappropriate, obviously, but there are little things: the way they stand closer together than seems strictly professional, the way Tommy leans over Jude to adjust the mic, letting his hand linger on her lower back, not to mention the way they looked at each other this morning… Something just doesn't seem right about it, considering they're both in committed relationships with other people. Then again, it's Jude and Tommy he's talking about. Flirting is what they do, have always done. Kwest tries to brush it off as nothing, going to make himself a sandwich. Sadie's there toasting a bagel, and he greets her with a kiss on the cheek.

He must still be frowning as he gets the food from the fridge, because Sadie says "hey, you okay?"

He turns to her, surprised. "What, me? I'm fine. Why?"

She shrugs. "It looked like something was bothering you."

Kwest shakes his head. "Not really, I was just thinking about T and Jude."

"They not getting along or something?"

He laughs once. "Oh they're getting along."

"Ah." Sadie raises her eyebrows. "Wait, you think something's going on?"

He quickly says "No, no. Of course not." but his brow furrows as he says it.

"Seriously?" Sadie's eyebrows shoot higher. "Kwest, you know those two. They just have… I don't know. Crazy chemistry. They always have. Believe me, I used to date him, and it drove me insane. But Jude and Jamie are good together, and Tommy seems to like this Lorena girl, right?"

"Yeah, he does."

"Do I need to talk to Jude about it?" She's starting to look worried.

"No, no." He shakes his head. "I'm sure it's nothing. It's been a while since I've been around the two of them is all. I'm not used to it anymore, but that doesn't mean it's anything new. Chemistry, like you said. It's probably harmless. But you know, he w–" he cuts off, realizing Tommy would kill him if he heard what he was about to say.

Sadie finishes the thought anyway. "He was in love with her." Kwest shrugs, and Sadie looks surprised. "He told you that?"

"Nah, T never tells me anything. But I've known him for a long time. It messed him up when she chose Jamie."

"Yeah." she sighs. "I knew that much. But that was almost a year ago. They got past it." She turns away from him, grabbing her bagel from the toaster and spreading butter on it. Kwest goes back to making his sandwich. When Sadie's finished she says "My guess? They haven't seen each other in a while, and the flirting is the way they cover the awkwardness. It _is_ sort of Tommy Q's default setting, after all."

Kwest laughs. "True enough."

Sadie looks serious again. "But I'll ask her about it when I get the chance, okay?" She reaches up to kiss him. As she's leaving, she adds, "I'm sure it's not a big deal. Sometimes sparks are just sparks."

* * *

 **A/N:** Oh man, this week has been so crazy. I have a concussion... I actually hit my head twice this week? If there are typos you're going to have to forgive me, I normally proofread one final time before I post a new chapter but right now the world spins when I try to read for very long. Don't pass out and hit your head on concrete steps, and then slip on ice the next morning and hit your head again. It's awful. I do not recommend it. What was I saying? I don't know, but I hope you all enjoy this update! Happy Friday! Now I'm off to try and understand organic synthesis with a double concussion. This should be fun.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N:** In this story there are three flashback chapters that I would consider "big ones". The first was Chapter 5. This is the second.

EDIT: Okay so this week has been so long, and my class schedule has been so weird, that I literally somehow thought today was Friday? It's not, it's definitely Tuesday... I haven't been getting enough sleep tbh... But, as I have already published this chapter, I certainly won't take it down. Please enjoy the surprise Tuesday update! (It was a surprise also to me)

* * *

 _With the album release taking up so much of her time and energy, Jude doesn't really start to feel nervous about seeing Tommy again until Saturday morning, but by Saturday evening she's bitten her nails until they hurt and changed her outfit three different times. It's so stupid, because really why the hell should it matter? Why should she care how she looks? She's a little disgusted with herself for behaving as if she's getting ready for some big date._ You have a boyfriend, Jude. _she reminds herself over and over again. And still, she applies and removes her makeup four times before finally settling on exactly the amount she normally wears anyway._

 _But when the door to his apartment swings open and she sees him standing there, all her nerves disappear. He looks tired when he first opens the door, but his smile at the sight of her is wide. She doesn't even say anything, just hurls herself into his arms. He lets out a surprised laugh, but hugs her back tightly, closing his eyes and breathing her in. When it's been too long, Jude pulls back, dropping her arms back to her sides and saying "Hey."_

 _Tommy snorts a laugh at the casual way she says it, in total contrast to the exuberance of the hug a second ago. "Hey yourself." he says, closing the door behind her._

 _"You are looking quite bearded." she muses._

 _He shrugs, rubbing a hand across his jaw, which is covered in a week's worth of stubble. "Yeah, it's called being too lazy to shave."_

 _"I like it, actually. It's like… rugged."_

 _He makes a face. "Excuse me while I go shave immediately."_

 _She grins. "Tommy Q: mountain man."_

 _He rolls his eyes. "Shut up, Harrison."_

 _"No, seriously, I like it. You look good." she looks away from him and changes the subject before it can get awkward. "When did you get back into town?"_

 _"A few hours ago." He answers as they walk to his living room. "I haven't even unpacked. I'm really sorry I missed the actual album release. I tried, but I just couldn't make the timing work." Jude means to ask what happened to make him come back—he avoided the question over text, just saying it was a long story—but he continues, picking something up off of his coffee table. "But I did buy this before I left this morning." He holds up a copy of her new album._

 _"Oh, Tommy, you didn't have to buy it." she says, surprised. "We have copies, I was going to give you one. You're co-producer, for God's sake."_

 _He shrugs. "I wanted to. Besides, that's one sale closer to that triple platinum you're aiming for, right?" He flashes a grin at her over his shoulder as he opens the case, putting the disc into his stereo._

 _"Yeah, and I'm sure yours will be the one sale that makes that difference." she rolls her eyes and sits down on his couch, propping her feet up on his coffee table. When he turns around, he purses his lips at her shoes on his table, but she interrupts him before he can reprimand her. "Have you listened to the finished album yet?"_

 _Tommy shakes his head. "No. At first it was just because I couldn't get the files to download, but when I found out I'd be coming back to the city I decided to wait." He walks around her to the kitchen, opening his fridge and calling "You want one?"_

 _"One what?" she turns around to look, and when he holds up a beer she shrugs. "Sure." As he comes back and hands it to her she says, "You know, a few weeks and me drinking this will actually be legal."_

 _"Oh yeah, that's right, wow." Tommy sits down next to her. "Nineteen." he whistles. "You're going to have to let me take you out." he turns to her with a smirk. "I mean, only if you think you can handle it."_

 _"What makes you think you can handle me?" Jude shoots back. He arches an eyebrow, and Jude has a brief vision of reaching up and pulling his mouth to hers, climbing on top of him… She pushes the image away quickly and breaks eye contact, turning away and taking a drink. She can still feel his eyes on her, so she says "You going to press play at any point, or no?"_

 _"You said you didn't change much since I last heard the songs?" he asks as he gets the remote to his sound system._

 _"Not a lot. There were a couple songs that I added some instrumentation, I think, and then little levels things or whatever on the others. Nothing major." She smiles at him, but finds she's suddenly incredibly nervous about what he'll think of the album. It's irrational, of course. He's been her producer for years, so he's pretty much heard the best and worst music she's had to offer. Even if that weren't the case, she's really happy with this album. She was proud to release it. But with it finished and out there in the world, there's nothing she can do to change or fix anything based on his advice, and that has her worried that he's going to hate it. "Hey Tommy." she says before he hits play. "Go easy on me, okay?"_

 _He looks surprised. "What do you mean?"_

 _She looks down at her hands in her lap and shrugs. "Just… if you hate it. I mean, I want you to be honest, but–"_

 _"Harrison." he cuts her off. "If you had released the songs as they were when I last heard them, unfinished, this still would have been your best album yet, okay? And I think the chance that you managed to completely ruin it in two weeks is pretty low. I'm not going to go easy on you, but I won't need to." He reaches out to put a hand on her face, stroking her cheek with his thumb. "Relax." He only touches her for a couple seconds before turning away and pressing play on the remote, but it's enough to send her heart rate skyrocketing. She tries very hard to think of Jamie, to remember the boyfriend she loves and who loves her. It works, mostly._

 _Tommy listens silently and intently to the music, not looking at her. His focus makes her nervous, and she watches his face for any sign of reaction, but she finds herself unable to read him. Aside from some slight nodding and a few little smiles, his expression remains mostly neutral until the chorus of the fifth song. Then, he suddenly turns to her, looking almost startled. At the end of the chorus he reaches for the remote and pauses the music. "Are those strings?"_

 _His reaction has made her heart jump into her throat. "Oh, uh… yeah, I added a string quartet last minute."_

 _His eyebrows shoot higher. "Did you write their parts yourself?"_

 _"Yeah." She nods, biting her lip. "Do you… uh… does it sound okay? I knew it was kind of a risk not to just leave the core instrumentation, but I liked the sound and I just thought… You don't like it?"_

 _He just turns away from her and restarts the song. When she starts to protest, he holds up one finger, signaling her to wait. Her heart sinks. He hates it. She ruined the song, and probably the album too. Why did she think she was ready to do this on her own? She looks down at the beer in her hands, feeling dejected. When the song finishes, Tommy presses pause again, saying "Jude." softly. He's smiling at her when she looks up at him. "The strings were all your idea?"_

 _Jude nods and then looks down again, mumbling, "you don't like it."_

 _"No, I love it."_

 _She looks up, surprised. "Wait, really?"_

 _"Yes, really." He rolls his eyes. "Do not doubt yourself, girl. The song is fantastic. Your instincts are good." As he presses play again, she finds that she can't stop smiling. She hides her grin behind the bottle of beer as he closes his eyes to listen._

 _When the last note of the last song fades out, they sit in silence for a long moment. Jude holds her breath, watching Tommy's face. Just as the suspense is reaching unbearable, he lets his breath out in a sigh and turns to look at her. "Wow." is all he says._

 _"Uh… Good wow or bad wow?"_

 _Tommy smiles. "Incredible wow."_

 _Jude still hesitates. "So like incredibly bad, or…"_

 _He rolls his eyes and shakes his head. "Shut up, Harrison. The album's amazing." He leans in, reaching out to put a hand on her cheek for a moment._ "You _are amazing." He pulls his hand away, leaving her skin tingling. "Apparently I was holding you back."_

 _"Oh, come on, Tommy." she protests. "You know I could never have done it without you."_

 _He shakes his head. "You did do it without me."_

 _"No way! You're my co-producer, my co-writer, my inspiration…" she doesn't mean to say that one, it just slips out. (She said it to Jamie, too, when he listened to the songs and complimented her lyrics. "You're my muse, Jame. You always have been.") She continues quickly. "Plus you talked me out of adding kettle drums on every song."_

 _Tommy smiles at that. "Okay, okay. I'm not saying I had nothing to do with it. Music is always about collaboration. With me, with Kwest… But the bulk of the production work happened while I was gone. I gave you advice, sure, but you also made decisions I had nothing to do with. Your instincts are killer. You don't need me."_

 _"Well, I want you." She says it without thinking, and then winces a little when she hears the words come out of her mouth._

 _A little shiver runs through him, but he knows she didn't mean it that way,_ (and she has a boyfriend, Tom, pull your shit together) _so he just shrugs and says, "Either way, you're moving on. You're a producer full-time now. You're running a label. You're gonna be amazing, and this album proves that. But you know I'm always here if you need me." He touches her cheek again, because he can't stop himself, but he doesn't let his fingers linger this time, pulling back and turning away. He takes a drink and tries to push back the well-worn memory of her standing in front of him and breathing_ "I need you."

 _"End of an era." she says with a sigh._

 _He looks back at her and shakes his head. "The start of a new one."_

 _She smiles. "Cheers." They clink their bottles together._

 _"How was the release party last night?" Tommy asks after a moment._

 _"It was okay." Jude shrugs._

 _"Sorry I couldn't make it. Couldn't make the timing work."_

 _"Oh, no, it's okay. I get it. So what happened with your mom? Did your brother come back?"_

 _Tommy sighs. He knew this was coming, the questions about his mom, about why he's back. He's actually surprised it's taken her this long to bring it up. He glances sideways, sees her looking at him with those big blue eyes. He's surprised to find that, coming from her, the question doesn't bother him as much as he'd have predicted. "No." He looks away again. "We had to put her in a home."_

 _"Oh God." she sighs. "I'm so sorry, Tommy. I know that's exactly what you didn't want to do." He just shrugs, but she can tell how upset he is from the set of his mouth and the crease in his brow. She sets the half-empty bottle down and turns so she's facing him, and after a moment she quietly asks, "What happened?"_

 _He shrugs again, still not looking at her, but he answers. "I left the house for maybe twenty minutes, left her alone… When I came back she'd set the kitchen on fire. They said it wasn't safe for her to live at home anymore. I didn't have a choice." his voice is soft, and he's barely moving his lips when he speaks. Jude has to lean in to hear him. "My brother's been looking after her for years and it takes me less than three months to completely fuck it up. Typical."_

 _"It's not your fault." Jude says gently. She sees him tense, start to bristle and prepare to protest that her home wasn't like his, that she doesn't know what she's talking about. When he turns his angry face to her she cuts him off preemptively, holding up her hands. "I know, I know. I don't understand and it's none of my business, I get it. I'm just trying to help."_

 _His expression softens. "I know. But I don't want to talk about it, okay?"_

 _She nods. "Okay."_

 _He smiles a little, briefly, but then looks away from her with another sigh. He looks very sad again, so she does something she knows she probably shouldn't, moving next to him and wrapping her arms around his waist, leaning her head on his shoulder. He looks a little surprised, but doesn't pull away, putting his arm around her shoulders instead._

 _"Maybe this is horrible to say," Jude says after a long moment, "and I'm really sorry stuff went bad with your mom, but I'm glad you're back."_

 _He sighs, squeezing her shoulder and resting his cheek against the top of her head. "Yeah, me too."_

 _She knows she should pull away, that this is crossing too many lines, but she's missed him, missed this, so she lets herself enjoy the feeling, closing her eyes._

 _After another long minute, Tommy says quietly, "What happened to us?"_

 _Jude's eyebrows shoot up, and she pulls back to look at him. "You mean_ us _us?"_

 _"Yeah." His expression is tender and sad. "Us us." He reaches out to brush a lock of hair behind her ear. "There used to be an us."_

 _She pulls fully away, frowning. "Well, first of all, you kissed my sister."_

 _He gives an exasperated sigh._ "She _kissed_ me _._ "

 _Jude scoffs. "Yeah, like that makes it better."_

 _"It does!" Tommy protests. "Jude, she just reached over and kissed me. I didn't know she was going to do it."_

 _"That's not the point, though! You didn't even try to explain!"_

 _"You walked out!"_

 _"But you let me!" she cries. "You_ let _me walk out of that hotel room. You let me leave. You didn't tell me to wait, you didn't come looking for me, you didn't even text!"_

 _"I was–"_

 _He starts to protest but she cuts him off. "Don't say you were trying to protect me. Maybe you were, but that doesn't change the fact that you could have fought for us. You could have told me the truth about Hunter from the beginning, and you didn't._ That _is what happened to us, Tommy." her voice cracks on his name. "You let me go."_

 _She can feel the sting of approaching tears, but she doesn't break eye contact with him. There's pain in his expression. After a moment he reaches out, putting a hand on the side of her neck. His voice is rough as he says, "what makes you think I've let you go?"_

 _There's a second, a pause, silent and electric before he closes the distance between them, pulling her face towards his. Their lips meet, and the dam breaks. She doesn't think of Jamie, doesn't think at all except a half-fogged_ finally. _Because she's wanted this, needed this, for a long time. It feels like it did the last time, that same sense of inevitability, like floodgates have opened and she's powerless to close them. She climbs on top of him and tries to lose herself. She fumbles with the buttons on the front of his shirt, and he helps her out, but when she pulls back to pull her own shirt over her head he says "Jude." and his voice is urgent, his eyes wide._

 _"Shut up." she hisses, and kisses him again, but he pulls back._

 _"Jude, we–"_

 _"Don't." she cuts him off sharply and then breathes "Please." Her eyes are big and pleading, and he's not strong or moral enough to protest again._

 _He's afraid at first that she's going to come to her senses any second, that she'll push him away. He watches her for signs of hesitation, but her hands and mouth are forceful and demanding. She's the one who whispers "condom?" and when he stammers that there are some in his nightstand, she's the one who pulls him up from the couch. They crash down on his bed together and it's like a dream, literally like thousands of dreams he's had over the past couple of years, but he can't help but remember that this is all wrong, that she isn't his, not really. But the sound of his name as a breathless moan on her lips is enough to push all the guilt back until his head is filled with just this, with her and only her. This time, with no one to catch them, he takes his time. He wants to savor this, to make it last, and to put off the reality he knows will come crashing back in like a tidal wave as soon as it's over._

 _Eventually, though, they're left tangled together on top of his comforter. He trails his fingers up and down her arm and presses his lips gently to her shoulder, her cheek, her hair, trying to hold onto the moment he knows is about to fall apart. It's when he whispers her name that she tenses. She pulls away, and he knows he can't hold on anymore. She quickly grabs a blanket and wraps it around her body, sitting on the edge of his bed. Her back is to him, but he can see that her shoulders are stiff. After a moment she whispers "oh God."_

 _"Jude…" he says her name with a sigh, just to say something._

 _"Oh God." she says again. "Oh my God." Her voice cracks. A sob forces its way from her throat, and then she can't seem to stop crying, her shoulders shaking._

 _He's at a loss for what to do. He wants desperately to put his arms around her, to try and comfort her, but he knows that would just make it worse, so he just moves to sit next to her, as close as he dares, and lets her cry._

 _"Once is a mistake." Jude says quietly after a minute as her crying slows down._

 _"What?" Tommy asks, confused._

 _She looks at him, her eyes wide and teary. "Cheating once might be a mistake, but twice is…" she shakes her head and starts to cry harder again, looking away from him, clutching the blanket to her chest._

 _He squeezes his eyes shut for a moment, so hard it hurts, before opening them again and saying, as calmly as he can muster, "what do you want to do?"_

 _"I love him." It comes out as a squeak. "I love Jamie." Her voice gets louder as she goes on, turning her face towards him again. "He's my boyfriend, He's my best friend! Tommy, he loves me! I love him!"_

 _"Okay!" Tommy snaps. "You love him, I get it! You love him, and you slept with me. Twice. So what do you want to do about it?" He instantly regrets his tone when she flinches. When he speaks again is voice is gentle. "I'm sorry. I know you're not leaving him. I'm not asking you to. I just… I'd say we could pretend it never happened," the words hurt him to say, but he says them anyway "but…"_

 _"But we tried that." she finishes. Her lower lip trembles._

 _"Yeah." he sighs. "And we could try to say it won't happen again…"_

 _She turns away from him again, pulling her arms tighter around her chest and curling in on herself, her head almost on her knees. "Oh God." she whispers again, sobbing._

 _Frustration is creeping up in him. "We have two other options." he says, and it comes out colder than he means it to. "Either we don't see each other anymore at all, which is not what I want, or else we…" he hesitates, not knowing how to put this so it won't sound horrible, "keep doing this." Her head snaps up, and she looks angry. "Just sex." he tries to clarify, and ends up making it sound worse. "I mean, you don't have to leave him. You and me, it would be no strings."_

 _"What the hell is wrong with you?" she says, standing up and backing away from the bed. "How can you suggest that?!"_

 _"I don't know what else there is to do, Jude!" he protests._

 _"I don't_ want _to be a cheater, Tom!" she cries. "That is not a solution, that is the problem! What the fuck is wrong with you?!"_

 _"Forget it!" he says, putting his hands up in surrender. "Fucking forget it! I'm sorry I said anything!"_

 _"You just made never seeing you again a hell of a lot easier." She practically spits the words, turning on her heel and leaving his room with a look of disgust that makes him feel like he's been kicked in the stomach._


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N:** It's actually Friday this time! (I checked)

This one is a little short, but the next one is very long.

* * *

 _Tommy calls Lorena on the fourth day of Jude ignoring his text messages. They meet for drinks, but they're barely finished with the first round when she says "Let's get out of here." and they head to his apartment. Of course he knows it's wrong to try and use Lorena to get Jude out of his head, but it actually sort of works, if only temporarily._

 _"Damn, Quincy." Lorena says afterwards. "I missed that."_

 _Tommy smirks. "I aim to please."_

 _"I forgot you're a cocky bastard." She rolls her eyes, but laughs too. Her laugh is beautiful, and it makes him smile. They lie there for a minute before Lorena breaks the silence. She turns to him and props herself up on one elbow. Her voice is serious as she says, "Can I ask you something, Tom?"_

Oh, here we go. _Tommy thinks, groaning internally. She's going ask about his mom, he just knows it. He glances over at her before sighing heavily and saying, "okay…"_

 _"What is this?" Lorena asks. "What are we doing?"_

 _He lets out a surprised laugh. "That's your question?" She raises her eyebrows, looking a little insulted, and he clarifies. "Sorry, the way you said that I was just expecting a lot worse. I thought you were going to ask me about my fucked up childhood or something."_

 _Lorena looks surprised. "Oh, no, not at all." She sits up next to him, her long hair falling around her shoulders. "If you want to tell me, I'm happy to listen, but trust me, I… I have my own fucked up childhood, okay? I don't like to talk about mine, so I don't ask other people about theirs." She sighs. "You're avoiding the question, though. What is this, Tom? Is it just casual? Because you and I were getting kind of serious before you left. Not serious enough for the long distance thing, obviously, but we were headed in that direction, weren't we? So what are we doing now? Are we picking up where we left off?"_

 _Tommy groans a little and sits up too. "I don't know, Lor. I didn't have a plan, okay? I got back into town, I called you…" He tries not to sound frustrated. "Can we not just see where it goes?"_

 _"Frankly, no, we can't. I want…" She runs a hand through her hair. "Look, I'm almost 25, okay? I'm just in a place in my life where I don't want casual. There's nothing wrong with it, but I want something real. If you don't, that's fine." He must look freaked out, because she adds "Okay, I'm not talking lifetime commitment, Quincy, I'm just asking for a step above casual sex."_

 _"What does that even mean?"_

 _She shrugs. "Well exclusive, for one thing. And with… I don't know. The understanding that we're progressing towards something more serious, I guess. We can take it slow, that's fine, but I want a relationship, not just sex." When he doesn't respond, looking down at the bed, she says, "You_ can _say no. You're great, Tom, and I like you, but it won't break my heart if we don't want the same things."_

 _He glances up at her. "I like you too, okay? But…" He sighs and looks down again, rubbing a hand along his jaw._

 _"If you're not sure, then it's probably a no."_

 _She sounds disappointed, and he looks up at her. "Look, it's just that there's a lot of stuff going on right now, okay? I_ just _got back into town…"_

 _"I get it." she insists. "It's fine, really. No hard feelings, but I'm also not going to wait for you to decide you're ready." She smiles and reaches out to put a hand on the side of his face. "Thanks for a great time tonight." She kisses him before pulling back and getting off the bed to retrieve her clothes from the floor._

 _His heart sinks as he watches her prepare to leave. He knows why he's hesitating, and it isn't because he doesn't like Lorena, or even because of his long-standing avoidance of commitment. It's because of Jude. He thinks of her sitting right here on the edge of his bed and shouting at him that she loves Jamie. Waiting for Jude is just about the stupidest thing he could do, especially now that they're not even speaking. As Lorena is buttoning her jeans, he says "Wait."_

 _She turns, surprised, eyebrows raised. "Yes?"_

 _"I… I can do exclusive."_

 _Lorena sighs. "If you don't want to, you don't want to. Don't say yes to something you don't actually want."_

 _"But I do." he insists. "I hesitated because… Okay, full disclosure, relationships are not my forte."_

 _"I get it." she nods. "And I'm letting you off the hook." She turns to the mirror, combing her fingers through her hair._

 _Tommy gets up from the bed and walks up to her. He grabs her waist and turns her towards him, threading his fingers through her hair and kissing her. She's surprised for half a second, but then kisses him back, wrapping her arms around his neck. When he pulls back he says, "I don't want off the hook, Lor. I want you."_

 _"Jesus Christ, Quincy." she laughs breathlessly._

 _"I'm in this, if you are."_

 _Lorena laughs again. "How can I say no to that?"_

 _… ... ... ... …_

The sexual tension in the studio is truly out of control. Jude can't remember a time when her attention has ever been so fractured at work. It's the secrecy, the fact that they can't dare do anything while they're at G Major, and it makes every look and touch and innuendo a thousand times more intense. Tommy's aware of it too, she can tell, and she's pretty sure he's intentionally torturing her. He keeps touching her, mostly little touches, resting his hand on her back as he looks over her shoulder at the music, casually picking invisible lint off her clothing… Once, as they sat together at the sound board, he ran his fingers lightly up the inside of her thigh, never moving his eyes from the screen, chuckling softly when she let out a gasp.

She's sure the music quality is suffering, it must be, but she's having trouble focusing enough to listen critically. She knows there's a breathiness to her voice in some places in the recording, caused by the look Tommy gave her through the glass while she sang.

It's not that they're not getting _anything_ done, because they actually are making pretty good progress, and they'll hit their deadline easily. It's just that by the end of the work day she's so distracted and frustrated that she can barely remember anything they've done all day. Worse, it follows her home. More times this week than she can count, she's broken her cardinal rule of not letting herself think about Tommy while she and Jamie are together.

But there are also moments of focus, moments where the music takes over, where it pulls them both in and everything else fades. Part of her thinks that's worse than the sexual tension. In these moments they're in sync and she can predict his suggestions before he makes them. There's a look of his she's loved for years, one he gets when he's totally focused on the music. He gets a crease between his eyebrows and bites the side of his lower lip just a little as he plays the same section of the music over and over, his fingers making little changes on the mixer. When he gets it right, his face breaks into a smile. She watches him and the feeling it evokes in her isn't fire, isn't electricity. Instead it's the same rush she gets when her favorite song starts in her headphones, the same exhilaration of the moment on stage after the final cutoff and just before the applause. It's not sexual at all, not any kind of attraction. It's something deeper than that, maybe deeper than anything she's ever felt for Jamie, and that scares the shit out of her. Somehow she's been justifying the cheating to herself by claiming it's only sex, and what she has with Jamie is real love. If she still has feelings for Tommy—real, deep feelings—then even that feeble and twisted justification goes up in smoke.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N:** Happy Friday! (Although I'm posting this just after midnight because I will be very busy all day, it is technically Friday!) Here is the last flashback chapter.

* * *

 _It's still dark out when Tommy wakes to the sound of his doorbell ringing repeatedly, and someone banging on the front door. "What the hell?" he murmurs groggily. When the noise doesn't stop, he gets up, saying "Holy shit! Okay, I'm coming, calm down!" even though he knows that whoever it is can't hear him. When he opens the door, his heart skips a beat._

 _"Took you long enough." Jude says, her words slurring slightly. Her cheeks are flushed bright red, and her clothes and hair are soaking wet._

 _"Jude, what the hell?" he asks. "What time is it?"_

 _"It is…" She pulls her phone from the pocket of her jeans. "2:48" she says, turning the screen towards him briefly before snapping the phone shut and putting it away. She grins. "It's my birthday."_

 _"What are you doing here? How did you even get here?"_

 _"I drove my car."_

 _"Jesus!" he cries, eyes widening. "You drove this drunk?!"_

 _"No, no." She shakes her head. "Sorry. I drove my car from my house," she illustrates with her hands, as if she were pointing out locations on a map. "to downtown, and I went to a bar and_ then _I came here. I walked." she frowns. "It's raining."_

 _"Yeah, I can see that." He notices that she's shivering a little and says "God, you must be freezing. Come in. Let me get you a towel or something." She walks in and he closes the door behind her. "You know what? I'll get you something dry to wear."_

 _"Okay." she says calmly, pulling her wet shirt over her head. She isn't wearing a bra. He's shocked, struck dumb staring at her, mouth hanging open. She raises her eyebrows. "Is this what you wanted, Tommy? Is this what no strings means? Me naked in your apartment in the middle of the night?" She reaches out to him, wrapping her arms around his neck and pressing herself against him. Her skin is cold, even through his shirt, and he can smell the alcohol on her breath. "Isn't this what you want?" she whispers in his ear, making him shiver._

 _"Jude, you're drunk." he chokes out, removing her arms from around his neck and pulling away. He looks down at the floor. "Let me, uh… I'm going to get you something to wear." He hurries out of the room, returning with a towel, his smallest sweatshirt, and a pair of pajama pants._

 _She says "thank you" softly as she accepts them from his hands._

 _"Yeah." he says, not letting himself look at her. "I'm going to make some tea, okay?" He doesn't wait for her to answer, just heads to the kitchen. While the water is heating up, he leans on the counter and tries to breathe deeply, trying to pull himself together and wrap his head around the situation._

 _When he comes back with a mug of tea and a glass of water, she's sitting on his couch in his clothes, legs pulled up to her chest, teeth chattering. He sets the cups down on the coffee table and grabs a blanket, wrapping it around her shoulders. He kneels in front of her and hands her the glass of water. "Drink this." he commands her gently. "It'll help the hangover later." She does as he says, and when the water is gone he takes the glass and hands her the mug. "And this should help with the shivering. Careful, it's hot."_

 _She takes it from his hands, her star ring clinking against the side of the mug. "Thank you." She says again, and he nods, giving her upper arms a quick squeeze, smiling at her before moving to sit next to her on the couch. They sit there quietly for a long time as she drinks her tea, not looking at each other. Eventually she says "I'm sorry."_

 _He's not sure whether she's apologizing for waking him up in the middle of the night, or for taking off her clothes in his living room. Either way, he turns to her and smiles. "It was… a little unexpected, to say the least."_

 _"I did some shots." she mumbles, by way of explanation. "Tequila."_

 _He snorts a laugh. "Well_ that _explains a lot." He watches her play with the string on the tea bag, not looking at him. "It's okay." he says tenderly. "You know I've done a lot worse drunk. No judgement here." She just gives a "hmm", still not meeting his eyes. After another moment he asks "What happened?"_

 _She looks up at him, finally. "It's my birthday." She gives a crooked grin. "19."_

 _He frowns. "So you went out by yourself? That's really not the safest idea, you know."_

 _"It wasn't the plan." She shrugs. "But Sadie and Kwest got tickets to a concert, Wally doesn't drink, Kyle's still 18, and Spied and Karma have stuff for their stupid TV show in the morning, so she told him he wasn't allowed to go out." Tommy raises his eyebrows. Eventually Jude mumbles, "And Jamie and I got into a huge fight."_

 _A little jolt goes through him at that, wondering how big "huge" is, if they're even still together. But he knows he's getting ahead of himself, so he gently asks "what happened?"_

 _"Kwest happened." she says with a huff. "He sold us out to Darius."_

 _"Wait, what?" He frowns. "Sold who out?"_

 _"Paegan was still contracted to G Major, so he was playing double agent." Jude explains bitterly. "Kwest found out and told Darius. D offered Paegan a giant comeback tour to pull out of NBR, and he took the deal. Blu left when his money left. She was our only artist."_

 _"Oh God, Jude. I'm so sorry. When was this?"_

 _"Last week." she sighs, rubbing her eyes with one hand and setting the empty mug on the coffee table._

 _"Well that really sucks, but I still don't get how you go from that to doing shots of tequila by yourself."_

 _"Because Jamie won't let it go!" she cries, and her next words come out in a slightly slurred rush. "He's been moping around for days, and I was like, okay Jamie, I fucking get it okay, it's a big deal, but it's my birthday, you know? Like what is wrong with wanting to just forget it and go out and have fun on my_ fucking birthday?! _And then he accused me of not caring about NBR, so I accused him of not caring about me, and he called me selfish, so I stormed out, and then tequila and then here we are." She sighs, then tilts her head thoughtfully. "Tequila tastes awful. Pretty sure I still like it, though."_

 _Tommy ignores the tangent. "Does he know where you are?" She shakes her head and he nods. "That's… probably for the best. But does he at least know you're safe?"_

 _She nods "I texted him, told him I was fine but I wasn't coming home."_

 _"Does Sadie know?"_

 _Jude shrugs. "She knows I'm okay. I think she thinks Spied came with me. She's not expecting me back. But she doesn't know I'm here." She turns her face towards him, leaning her cheek against the back of the couch. "No one knows that part."_

 _"Why are you here? I mean, it's okay that you are, but…" he trails off, at a loss for words._

 _"I don't know. I just started walking, and here was closest. But really I guess it's because…" She looks at him for a long moment, biting her lip. Eventually she says, "I haven't been able to stop thinking about you. About us, what you said last time."_

 _"I'm sorry." he sighs. "It came out wrong. I shouldn't have suggested–"_

 _She straightens up and cuts him off. "But it's what I want."_

 _Her words send a jolt through his chest, but he shakes his head. "You don't know what you're saying."_

 _"Yes I do." she insists. "I love Jamie, I do, but I can't stop thinking about you. I can't stay away from you, I'm not strong enough." She pushes the blanket off of her shoulders and moves, clumsily, climbing on top of him and kissing him. She tastes like tequila and lemon tea._

 _He pushes her away gently, holding her at arms length by the shoulders. "Jude, no."_

 _"But this was your idea." Her eyes are wide. "I mean it, Tommy. I'm saying yes." She trails her fingers along his jaw, and breathes "Please."_

 _"You're drunk."_

 _"That doesn't mean I don't want this!" she protests. She kisses him again, and he lets her, giving in to the kiss for just a second before turning and standing up, dropping her on the couch._

 _"No, Jude." he says firmly. "Definitely not when you're this drunk."_

 _She pouts, crossing her arms. "Fine. I'll just go then." She stands up from the couch, wobbling a little bit._

 _"Jude." Tommy sighs, frustrated. "It's still raining, and you're too drunk to drive."_

 _"I'll call a cab." she says defiantly,_

 _"It's 4 AM." he challenges, then sighs again and says, "Let me drive you home."_

 _Jude shakes her head. "I don't want Jamie to see your car."_

 _"Then you should stay here, okay?" She raises an eyebrow, and he shakes his head. "Guest room, Harrison." He reaches out to touch her shoulder. "You're exhausted anyway. So am I."_

 _Finally she nods, so he walks with her to his guest room, bringing her another glass of water. "Do you need anything else?" he asks as she climbs under the covers._

 _She shakes her head, so he turns to leave. When he's at the door, he hears her softly say "I'm sorry."_

 _He turns around and gives her a little smile. "It's okay, girl. We can talk in the morning. Just go to sleep."_

 _._

 _Jude's phone alarm wakes her up the next morning at 9:30 AM, and she's disoriented for a moment, unsure of where she is. Slowly, everything comes back to her as she looks around. There's an awful taste in her mouth, and her head hurts, though not as badly as she might have expected. She groans, wanting nothing more than to go back to sleep, but knowing she shouldn't. On her phone there's a text from Jamie, a response to the text she sent him last night which read "sleeping at rehearsal space. dont come to get me. see u tomorow"_

 _[ From: Jamie ]  
[ 8:32 ]  
I understand. But I didn't mean what I said.  
I promise I'll make it up to you. xoxo_

 _She sighs. She can't help but still be mad at Jamie for what he said, even though knows she_ is _selfish, and immensely so, as her presence in Tommy's apartment proves. There's a glass of water on the bedside table, and she wonders if Tommy refilled it for her while she slept. She feels a little rush of warmth at the thought._

 _She drinks the water, then forces herself to get up, heading to the bathroom. She finger-brushes her teeth and uses some of Tommy's mouthwash. There's makeup smudged around her eyes, and she washes it off. As she pushes the sleeves of Tommy's sweatshirt up, she flushes at the memory of last night. Did she really just walk into his apartment in the middle of the night and take her shirt off?_ God _. Part of her is mortified, but the memory of Tommy's face as he looked at her, slack-jawed, almost makes it worth it._

 _He's in the kitchen brewing coffee when she walks in. She stands in the doorway and takes in the sight of him in his pajamas, his tousled hair, and her stomach flips. She says his name and he jumps, startled. He turns, looking surprised. "Hey! Morning, birthday girl. I kind of assumed you'd sleep for longer."_

 _She shakes her head. "I set an alarm."_

 _"How are you feeling?"_

 _Jude shrugs and sits down at the counter. "Not too bad, all things considered. I could really use some of that coffee, though."_

 _"Sure thing." He pours a two cups, setting one in front of her and sitting down next to her with the other. After a minute he asks "how much do you remember?"_

 _"All of it. I wasn't_ that _drunk." she insists. She takes another swallow of the coffee, and says what she's sure they're both thinking. "Just drunk enough to walk here in the rain and take my clothes off."_

 _He gives a short laugh. "Not that drunk, eh?"_

 _"I'm really sorry." she sighs, looking down at the counter._

 _"It's fine. Like I said last night, I've done worse, trust me. No judgement. We can forget it ever happened."_

 _"No, we can't." she snaps, looking up at him. He looks surprised. "Tommy, I know you think I came here because I was drunk and not thinking straight, but that's not what happened."_

 _He frowns, confused, and shakes his head. "I don't know what you mean."_

 _"It was the opposite. I think I got drunk because I wanted to come here and I didn't have the courage."_

 _"Wait, what?"_ _Tommy still looks confused._

 _She turns towards him on the bar stool. "I meant what I said last night. I haven't been able to get you out of my head."_

 _He shakes his head again. This time it's a warning. "Jude…"_

 _"You said you wanted sex, no strings. I'm saying yes."_

 _"You don't know–"_

 _Anger surges in her, and she cuts him off. "Dammit, Quincy! I know exactly what I'm saying! I am not a child!" She's caught him off guard, and he snaps his mouth shut, staring at her. "Okay," she continues, more quietly. "I know I stormed out of here last time, and I know I've been ignoring your texts, but it's because I was scared. I've never done anything like this, and Jamie… But you don't understand, I think about you all the time. I can't stop myself." She stands, wrapping her arms around his neck. He closes his eyes, but doesn't pull away. "I'm not strong enough to stay away from you, Tommy."_

 _He opens his eyes, and she can see them darken, his pupils dilating. He's breathing hard. "Jude…"_

 _"So this is me, stone cold sober, telling you_ I want this, _okay?" With her hand on the back of his neck, her lips inches away from his, she whispers "Kiss me."_

 _He closes the short distance between them. His kiss is gentle at first, but she curls her fingers through the hair at the back of his head, pulling on it, and he makes a low noise in the back of his throat and deepens the kiss. He slips his hands into the sweatshirt she's wearing, and she pulls back to pull it over her head. He presses his lips to her bare collarbone, but she pulls back, pulling him up off the barstool and kissing him again. They shuffle to his bedroom, tangled together, various articles of clothing scattered through his apartment on the way._

 _When he grabs a condom from his nightstand drawer, the foil square between his fingers jogs his memory, and he pauses._

 _"What?" Jude asks impatiently._

 _"Before we do this you should know that Lorena and I are back together."_

 _"Wait, what?" She frowns. "Like, together together?"_

 _"Yes."_

 _"Like, exclusive?"_

 _He winces a little. "Yes."_

 _Jude's eyebrows shoot up and she pushes herself up on her elbows. "So are you saying you don't want to do this?"_

 _He shakes his head and kisses her, pushing her back down onto the bed. "Of course I want to." he whispers, close to her ear, and groans softly, "God, I want to." He pulls up again, looking her in the eyes. "But you should know what you're agreeing to. Lorena is involved too."_

 _Jude nods and pulls his mouth back to hers, arching her back and hooking a leg over him, pressing him closer to her. In his ear she says, "maybe it's actually better this way." The comment makes him pull up again. He raises an eyebrow. Jude, impatient, takes the condom from his hand and tears it open. She whispers "mutual assured destruction" and rolls the condom down over his erection before he has time to react to what she said._

* * *

 **A/N:** I struggled somewhat with the characterization of Jude in these flashback scenes, because all three times she's the one who initiates the sex. This is on the surface a reversal of what one might expect, and is also seemingly in conflict with Tommy's perception as seen in the first chapter that this is "all his fault," that "his decisions were the ones that led them here." After a lot of thinking and a lot of different versions of these three scenes (this chapter, chapter 9, and chapter 5) I decided that this is, a, in character, and b, not a contradiction.

Throughout the show there's a push and pull between Jude and Tommy that, for the most part, has Jude being the impulsive one, and Tommy, for all of his devil-may-care bad boy façade, being the one who hesitates and pulls away. Tommy still comes away from nearly every instance (Unsweet Sixteen kiss, the first half of Long and Winding, 18, My Hometown) with the idea that he's dragging her down with him, even when she's demonstrated repeatedly that being with him is what she wants. Because of the age difference (and rightly so!) Tommy puts the responsibility on himself to put a stop to things, and deals with a lot of guilt when he views himself as having failed to do so. Never is it so extreme as it is in this story, obviously, but Jude's impulsiveness and recklessness is an established character trait that I think makes the forwardness with which she behaves in this story reasonable. Something else that's still in character in my opinion is Jude's fear of hurting Jamie, and her unwillingness to let him go even if he's not the one she truly wants. It paralyzes her here, and makes her do a pretty horrible thing, but I see that as a reasonable extension of her in-canon behavior with Jamie (him dangling off of a roof, anyone?)

As always, let me know if you have any thoughts/comments/questions/suggestions!


	12. Chapter 12

Jude and Tommy haven't been alone together—really alone, not just in-the-studio alone—for weeks now. The song is almost done, and today will probably be their last day of work before mastering. Jude's been essentially working double, since as soon as she finishes up at G Major, she heads back to NBR and puts in a session with Spied and Jamie. Nearly every day, Tommy has tried to convince her to go somewhere with him, just for an hour, to just tell Jamie their session went long. She comes dangerously closer to agreeing every time, despite the possibility that Sadie or Kwest or someone could see them leave together and Jamie could easily find out she lied. Jamie's already noticing her distraction, her daydreaming. She blames stress, blames Darius, blames lack of sleep... Anything, really, except for the truth. She thinks he believes her, or at least that he's trying very hard to.

Jude knows without a doubt now that Tommy is torturing her intentionally, and he's getting less and less subtle. It's driving her crazy, but what's worse is that she knows if she were to call him out on it and ask him to stop, he'd back off immediately. It would be a lie if she didn't admit she's as complicit as he is. Tom may be the more blatant and the more physical of the two of them, but she encourages it as much as he does. She's choosing this, loving every minute of the torture. They're getting reckless, but she doesn't care. The thrill of it has her giddy.

The other day she came absurdly close to following him into the bathroom, of all places, too consumed with the thought of his body pressing hers against the tile wall to realize it would be semi-private at best. The only thing that stopped her was seeing Milo walk in. If he had showed up two minutes later, who knows what he'd have seen. Lust is making her stupid on top of her natural impulsiveness, and she's pretty sure it's affecting Tommy in the same way. Yesterday afternoon before she left, despite the fact that anyone could have walked in, he pulled her into a corner of the studio not visible through the glass, and gave her a kiss that left her flushed and gasping.

Outside the studio, too, they're pushing limits, taking risks they shouldn't. Before, they've always been careful about text messaging. It's not like Jamie goes through her phone, but if it's near him and it goes off, he'll glance at it or pick it up to let her know who's texting. When Jude and Tommy do text plans to meet up or something else that could get them caught, Jude's in the habit of deleting the texts right after she reads them. But very late last night he texted her "cant stop thinking about you" and she received it as Jamie lay sleeping next to her. She texted back "hes here" and Tommy responded "L too. still lying here wanting you." It was a horrible thing to say, really, but what about this isn't horrible? She texted "want u too. always do" and then "its late T go to sleep." Tommy, always needing to have the last word, replied "ok but know im dreaming of you."

Jude deleted her replies as she sent them, but couldn't bring herself to delete his messages. She read and re-read them and it sent a thrill through her every time. As she's about to leave for the studio, she pulls out her phone and looks at the last text again. Jamie's gone back to his house already and Sadie and Kwest are already at G Major. Jude hesitates at the top of the stairs, phone in her hand. She thinks of Tommy, of his infuriating nonchalance as he slides his hand over her thigh under the sound board, and she makes yet another reckless decision.

When she gets to G Major, Sadie, who's behind the front desk rifling through papers, is the first to see her. Sadie's eyes go wide and she drops what she's doing, walking up behind Jude and roughly pulling her aside by her elbow.

"Ow!" Jude protests, though it's more startling than painful. "Sadie, what the hell?"

"What are you wearing?"

Jude tugs self-consciously on the hem of the short skirt she retrieved from Sadie's closet. "What?" she protests. "A few days ago you said I could borrow it!"

Sadie crosses her arms. "Yeah, when I thought you were wearing it out with Jamie, not to G Major!"

"Chill!" Jude tugs on the hem again and lies. "I spilled coffee on my jeans when I was on the way out today, I was running late, and I had this sitting on my chair so it was the most convenient thing to change into in a hurry."

"Uh-huh, sure. And I'm sure it had nothing to do with your co-producer at all." Sadie frowns. "I'm not stupid, Jude, I have eyes."

A spike of fear goes through Jude, ice cold, and her throat goes dry. "Wh-what are you talking about?"

"You and Tommy?" Sadie raises her eyebrows. "Your whole unresolved sexual tension thing? I see the way he's been looking at you. It's practically predatory, and you're loving every minute of it. Don't pretend you didn't wear this for him. You have a boyfriend, Jude. A little flirting is one thing, but I'm worried this is getting out of control."

Jude opens her mouth to try to say something, but nothing comes out. She looks at the ground, her face growing hot. Sadie has no idea how out of control it already is, that it hasn't been under control for months now.

"It's okay." Sadie reassures her with a sigh. "I know you and Quincy have always had crazy chemistry. And you're getting close to finishing up the song, so this will all resolve on its own anyway. Just be careful, okay? There's nothing wrong with a few sparks, as long as you remember you're still playing with fire."

"Sadie!" Darius's voice booms from his office door.

Sadie sighs and turns around to look at Darius. "Coming, D!" she calls back, then turns back to Jude. "Don't worry about it, kay? We can talk about it later if you want to, but it's okay." She gives Jude a quick hug. When she pulls back, she smiles. "You do look really good, though. You can borrow that skirt any time you want. Just… maybe not at work, yeah?" She squeezes Jude's shoulder before turning away and walking to Darius's office.

Jude heads to the bathroom instead of to the studio. Her face and neck are flushed, and she feels like she's overheating and can't breathe. She wets a paper towel with cool water and uses it to dab at her cheeks and neck, and it helps, a little. She pulls out her phone and texts Jamie "hey i love u :)" to try and assuage some of the guilt, and as she's putting her phone away it vibrates again.

[ From: Tommy ]  
[ 10:39 ]  
where r u

[ From: Tommy ]  
[ 10:39 ]  
was hoping to get off early today ;)

Jude finds herself smiling, thoughts of Jamie fading as she rolls her eyes and texts back.

[ From: Jude ]  
[ 10:40 ]  
'get off' really ur shameless

[ From: Jude ]  
[ 10:40 ]  
and im coming

His reply reaches her when she's within sight of the studio.

[ From: Tommy ]  
[ 10:40 ]  
haha now whos shameless?

Jude rolls her eyes. As she reaches the studio, she sees that Tommy is sitting at the sound board, turned away from the door. "That's just gross, Tom."

He laughs, still facing away. "You walked into that one, Harrison." he reaches down by his feet to grab his coffee and takes a drink of it as he turns around to look at her. When he sees her, he chokes a little on the coffee, coughing. The look on his face is worth all the risk and all the guilt.

She smirks and leans against the door frame. "Breathe, Quincy."

He clears his throat, staring at her with his eyebrows raised. "Uh… wow. Good morning." His eyes roam over her body and her skin tingles under his gaze.

Her smirk broadens into a grin. "Good morning." She walks up to the board, sitting down in the chair next to him and crossing her legs.

"You look…" He shakes his head and laughs. "Very distracting."

She feigns surprise. "What do you mean?"

Tommy just shakes his head again and starts the playback of the song.

.

Despite the distractions, intentional and unintentional, the song is finished by early afternoon. Tommy calls Darius to let him know they're finished, and D calls them into his office right away. He regards them with his typical unreadable expression as the song plays, and Jude finds herself surprisingly nervous, though she'd thought she was far past caring about the approval of her former boss. Tommy gives her a reassuring smile when he sees her fidgeting nervously with her star ring, and it's strange in that moment how much it feels like old times.

Darius waits an unnecessarily long time after the song ends, but eventually he breaks into a smile. "It's phenomenal. Exactly what I was looking for. You two make a good team, as always."

Tommy smiles at Jude and winks, and she returns his smile before regarding Darius coolly. "So that's it, then? No more ambushing me with contract loopholes? I'm free to go?"

A flicker of irritation goes across Darius's face, but he shrugs. "If that's what you want."

"It is." she confirms.

He leans forward in his chair. "Your third album has been just as successful as we'd hoped, and you could ride that wave if you stuck with me. Even after the stunt you and Andrews pulled, I'm willing to negotiate. No more Instant Star, no more loopholes. How does a world tour sound?"

Jude rolls her eyes. "Pass."

He leans back again and regards her with a carefully neutral expression, his steepled fingers in front of his mouth. "G Major made you, Jude. Don't forget that. There won't be another offer."

 _G Major tried to sell all my music off to the highest bidder_ she thinks, but doesn't say. "Look, D, I didn't say I wasn't grateful, okay? I had a three album contract here, and it was a great three albums. So seriously, thank you for everything you did for me. It means a lot, but now I've moved on."

"If you say so." Darius sighs, standing up and holding out his hand to Jude. She stands up and shakes it. He gives her a smirk. "At least I got one last single out of you."

Jude smiles, and says, too sweetly, "Darius, if you ever pull another stunt like this with my contract, you will be hearing from my lawyer."

Darius laughs as he lets go of her hand and walks around his desk. "Looks like someone's learning to speak G Major." he claps a hand on her shoulder as he walks past her. "Good luck, little tadpole." he says, chuckling to himself as he walks out.

Tommy smiles at her when Darius is out of the room. "Hearing from your lawyer, eh?"

Jude shrugs, leaning against the edge of Darius's desk. "Hey, if you want to swim with the sharks or whatever…"

He laughs and shakes his head. "Well he was right about one thing, we still make a good team." He gets up from his chair and stands in front of her, and the closeness and the sudden heat of his gaze make goosebumps stand up on her arms. His voice is low. "And you standing up to Darius?" his eyes follow his fingers down her arm. "Very hot."

"Tommy, we're in D's office." she warns.

"Are you going to keep pretending you didn't wear this to torture me?" he whispers, sliding a hand up the back of her thigh, pushing her skirt up a few inches.

"Are you going to keep pretending you haven't been torturing me all week?" she whispers back.

He gives her a wicked grin and threads his fingers through her hair, giving her a kiss that makes all of her nerve endings catch fire, his hips pressing hers into the desk. He breaks the kiss and murmurs "My office. Five minutes." She knows she should object, that they shouldn't be doing this here, that it's beyond dangerous. But his hand pushes her skirt up farther, and he groans "I need you" in her ear. Her legs have turned to goo and in this moment she'd follow him to the ends of the earth if he asked.

"Five minutes." she agrees, breathlessly.


	13. Chapter 13

The knock on Tommy's office door comes on the heels of a moan Jude doesn't stifle. At first she isn't sure she really heard the knocking, but Tommy freezes as it sounds again, his lips leaving her neck as his head shoots up. He has her skirt pulled up around her waist, his arm around her from behind. His previously tight grip on her, pressing her against him, loosens as he removes his fingers from inside her. Jude recognizes the voice of Cassady, the receptionist, call "Uh… Tom? Phone call for you."

"Shit." Tommy hisses, eyes going wide, removing his arm from around her. Jude turns and they exchange panicked looks, frozen for a beat before he pulls away, grabbing a tissue to wipe her lipstick off of his face and calling back "Uh, one sec, Cassady!" He looks at the door, then back at Jude. He whispers "Jude, if she sees you she might…"

Jude cuts him off with a nod, understanding. "I know."

"I'm sorry." he whispers, putting a hand on her face. His expression is pained. "I'm so sorry." She shakes her head and pulls away before hiding behind the door as Tommy unlocks it. Just before he opens it, he catches sight of Jude's underwear on the floor, and grabs it quickly, handing it to Jude surreptitiously as he opens the door. He doesn't look at her, and her face flushes dark with shame as she takes the panties from him. She bites her lip and squeezes her eyes shut, wanting to disappear.

"Sorry." Tommy apologizes to Cassady. "What's up?"

"Yeah, sorry to interrupt, Tom, uh…" Cassady looks embarrassed, not quite meeting his eyes, a flush in her cheeks. "Lorena called the front desk. She said she couldn't reach your cell."

"Damn." he mutters. "Yeah, I had it off in the studio and I didn't turn it back on."

"I tried transferring her but your office phone says it's disconnected?"

Tommy glances back at his mess of a desk, the phone off the hook and hanging over the edge. He moves so he's more in the doorway, blocking more of Cassady's view into his office. "I, uh, I took it off the hook to get some work done. Sorry."

"I have her on hold, do you want me to transfer the call?"

"No!" Tommy says, too quickly, then winces a little and corrects himself. "Um, I mean, you don't have to. Tell her I'll call her back in a minute, I just have to finish up something." He and Jude both cringe a little at the wording.

Cassady says "Okay, sure thing. Sorry to interrupt" and gives him a little smile before walking quickly back down the hall.

Tommy shuts the door and leans his back against it for a moment. "Shit." he groans quietly before looking over at Jude. She's shaking a little, her eyes wet with tears. "Jude." he says softly, walking to her and putting a hand on her cheek. "Hey, it's okay." He brushes a lock of hair out of her face. "It's fine. She doesn't know anything. It's okay."

He leans in to kiss her, but she pulls away. "Call your girlfriend." she says in a tight voice.

"Jude–"

"Call your girlfriend, Tom." Jude says, louder, her voice shaking a little.

He hesitates, then nods. "Okay." He walks back to his desk, picking his jacket up from the floor and searching through the pockets until he finds his cell phone. As the phone is turning on, he looks up to see Jude with her hand on the doorknob. "Hey!" he protests, walking over to her. "Don't go. Don't. This'll only take a second. Please stay." He places a hand on the back of her neck and looks at her pleadingly. "We'll talk in a second, okay? Please."

Jude bites her lip, but nods after a moment. "Okay." she says quietly. She goes to the little couch and sits as Tommy dials Lorena's number.

"Hey." he says when she answers "What's up? I'm kind of in the middle of something at work." He's silent for a moment as she speaks, then says "sure, yeah, sounds good. I'll be home at like six. See you then." Something she says makes him tense. "Lorena…" he says quietly, turning away from Jude. "we talked about this already, you said you understood that I'm just– I'm not ready to–" he cuts off with a sigh. "Yes, fine. I'm sorry." He listens for another moment longer, then gives a short laugh. "Whatever. I'll see you tonight." Jude's heart aches at the smile in his voice as he says "Yeah, can't wait. Bye, Lor."

When Tommy turns around, Jude is crying silently, her eyes closed and tears streaming down her face, biting her lip to keep from making a sound. "Whoa, hey." he says, coming to sit next to her. "Jude." he says quietly, brushing tears from her cheeks. "Jude, hey, look at me." she opens her eyes. "Please don't cry." he pleads. "It's okay, girl. It's okay."

"We can't keep doing this." Jude says with a little sob, and Tommy's insides squeeze. He can't find the words to reply, so he just brushes more of the tears from her face. Her lower lip trembles. "Do you love her?" she whispers. "Lorena? She loves you, doesn't she? Do you–"

"It's complicated." he cuts her off, gently, his hands still on her cheeks.

"It's not!" Jude protests, pulling away and standing up. "Jamie loves me." she sobs. "He loves me. I love him, Tommy."

His frustration boils over for just a second, and he gives an exasperated sigh. "Look, Jude, _I_ –" he cuts himself off just in time. He can't say that. He's not allowed to say it, not allowed to be so in love with her it feels like his heart will burst from it. He clears his throat. "I know, okay?"

She turns back to face him. "We're going to get caught, Tommy. We're going to get caught, and we're going to hurt them." She lets out another sob. "I don't want to hurt him, Tommy. Please don't make me hurt him."

"We're not going to get caught." he says with a conviction he doesn't really feel, standing up from the couch. "No one needs to know. No one _will_ know." The truth is, he's beyond sick of hiding. Even he, for whom keepings secrets has always been a way of life, grew weary of this secrecy before it even really started, and all he wants is a day where he can hold her hand in public, pull her to him and kiss her in the middle of G Major, let the world know how he feels about her. Hell, in this moment he'd settle for just being able to tell _her_. "We won't get caught."

"We almost did!" she protests. "Cassady–"

"Didn't see anything." he finishes.

"It's not just that, Tommy. We've been getting stupid. The texting and the kissing in the studio and–" she shakes her head. "This morning Sadie told me she thinks things are getting out of control with you and me."

"She what?" he asks, his eyebrows shooting up, "Wait, does Sadie–"

"No." Jude shakes her head again. "She doesn't know, but she could _tell,_ Tommy! She could see it! Not how far it's gone, but she could tell something was going on. She saw what I wore today and she knew it was for you." she lets out another sob on the last word.

He looks down at the short skirt and his gaze travels up her body to her tear-streaked face. He takes a step closer to her, reaching out to touch her face and saying in a low voice "Hey, but you look am–"

"I look desperate." Jude cuts him off, pulling away from his hand and taking a step backwards. "Because that's what I am, Tommy!" she cries. "When I'm with you, it's like… I can't focus, I can't… I'm _helpless._ You're all I ever think about, and this is taking over my life, it's…" She trails off, crying harder, and he steps forward, pulling her into a hug. She doesn't resist, wrapping her arms around him and crying into his shoulder.

"It's okay, Jude." he says softly, stroking her hair. "It's gonna be okay."

"It's out of control." she whispers.

"I know." he whispers back.

Jude sniffles and pulls back far enough to look at him. "We can't keep going like this."

He looks at her sadly and brushes a lock of her hair behind her ear. "What are you saying?" he asks after a moment. "Do you… Do you want to stop? Are you ending this?" he keeps his voice even and calm. "Is that what you want?

"No." her voice cracks. "But I don't know if we have a choice."

 _Of course you have a choice._ Tommy thinks. _Leave him._ "What do you want to do?" _Leave him. Leave him, be with me._ "Whatever you want, girl, I'll respect it, okay?" _Leave him. I love you._ "But you have to know this isn't… for me it isn't just…" _It could never be just sex. I love you. Leave him for me._ Her eyes widen a little, and he thinks of her earlier plea not to make her hurt Jamie. He fights back the words that every part of him is screaming, shaking his head and saying "What if we cool it for a while? You're right. We've been reckless. But the single is done, which will help. We, like… cut back, yeah?" He almost cringes at how wrong it feels, describing what might be the most important relationship in his life like it's an indulgence, but as long as they're both dating other people, that's what it is. A guilty pleasure. An addiction. "We can still… We'll see each other, but we'll be more careful. They won't find out."

"How did we get here?" she whispers. "How did we get to this point? I'm not this person, I'm not–"

His calm façade cracks for a second. "I don't want to lose you." he can't stop himself from saying. "Please tell me I'm not losing you."

Her face fills with sympathy and pain. "No. Never." She puts a hand on the side of his face, leaning in to kiss him. He kisses her back hard, wanting everything else to dissolve so he can lose himself in her. After a moment she pulls away again, shaking her head. "I just… I hate the lying, Tommy. I hate it."

"Me too. I wish we could…"

"I don't want to hurt him." she whispers, eyes wide.

A wave of exhaustion hits him, suddenly, and he sighs, shutting his eyes and leaning his forehead against hers. "Fine." he says softly. "You don't have to. I'm not asking you to." He pulls back. "We cool it, we slow down, take a break, as long as you want. It's okay, I understand." He drops his arms from around her and pulls away fully. "Nobody needs to know."

Jude still looks deeply sad, but her tears have stopped. She wipes the rest from her cheeks and nods. "Okay." They stand there awkwardly for a moment before she says "I, um… I should go home."

Tommy nods again. "Okay. I'll, uh, see you, I guess."

She looks for a second like she wants to says something else, but she doesn't, turning around and heading for the door. He follows her, taking the door from her as she steps out of the office and saying "Hey." softly. She turns back to him. "It's gonna be okay." he says gently, reaching out to stroke her cheek with his fingers.

She puts her hand over his for a moment, turning her head and kissing his palm before lowering their hands and quietly saying "Bye, Tommy."

.

Milo leans against the front desk as Cassady walks back. "Cass, looking gorgeous as ever." he says when she's within earshot.

"Hey, Milo." the receptionist says with a smile.

"I was worried you'd gone home without saying hi." Milo says as she sits back down behind her desk. "You know seeing you is the best part of my day." He gives her his best dazzling smile.

Cassady blushes a little, grinning wider. "Nope, I'm here for another few hours, I just had to step away for a second." She holds up a finger to Milo as she picks up the phone and pushes a button. "Lorena? You still there?" she says into the receiver as she sits down behind the desk. "Hi. So Tom said he's in the middle of something, but that he'll call you in a minute." she listens, then says, "Oh, good!" then, "Yes, of course, have a good day."

When she hangs up, Milo asks, "Wait, Lorena who?"

"Uh… her last name's Harper, I think? Tom Quincy's girlfriend? She's a producer at Cardinal."

"Yeah, Lorena Harper." Milo nods. "I know her. I used to work there for a while, before the whole Instant Star thing." Lorena's beyond hot, and a brilliantly talented producer. He wonders what she could possibly see in Tom Quincy, of all people. Jude Harrison's obvious crush on the guy is one thing, Jude's always seemed a little unhinged, but Lorena seems like a woman who'd have taste. Then again, it's always cocky jackasses like Quincy that get all the girls. _Nice guys finish last._ Milo thinks with a little frown. He shakes his head and says "She's a cool girl. What'd she want?"

"Just to talk to Tom. His phone was off the hook so I had to go to his office." she flushes a little, looking down at her desk.

Milo raises his eyebrows, intrigued. "What happened?"

"Nothing." she says, but flushes darker, still not meeting his eyes.

"Cass, come on." he laughs. "You know I can read you like a book."

She looks up. "Okay, but you cannot tell anyone." she says in a low voice.

"'Course, my lips are sealed." he says, leaning in closer across the desk. "Spill."

"I'm pretty sure he was watching porn in there." she whispers.

Milo's eyebrows shoot higher. "Seriously? What makes you say that?"

"I, like, _heard_ it when I first walked up." Cassady blushes even darker. "I'm pretty sure. Like, there were definite… porn noises. And his door was locked and I had to knock twice, and then it took him forever to open the door and when he did he was all flustered." she shakes her head and whispers "So _awkward."_

"Jerking off at work." Milo snorts. "Classy."

"Seriously, Milo, you can't tell anyone. I don't know for sure, and I don't want him to get in trouble or anything."

He rolls his eyes. "Whatever, like he isn't Darius's favorite. Pretty sure he could get away with anything."

"Milo!" she hisses. "Promise me!"

He puts his hands up. "Yeah, yeah, of course, Cass. It's in the vault. Not a word, I swear." He pantomimes locking his mouth with a key.

She finally relaxes. "Good."

He changes the subject, then, and they talk for a little while longer before the phone rings and she says "I really have to get back to work. I'll see you later?"

"Already can't wait." he winks.

She rolls her eyes, but giggles a little. "Get out of here." she waves her hand, shooing him with a smile as she answers the phone. "Good afternoon, G Major Records, this is Cassady."

As Milo walks away, he thinks about Lorena again. He spent his short internship at Cardinal Records cultivating a massive crush on her, in spite of the significant age difference. She was nice enough to him, but he's pretty sure she never saw him as anything more than an overly-ambitious kid. But even though he'd never have a chance with her, the idea of her with Quincy still leaves a bitter taste in his mouth.

As he walks past the hallway with the offices, the door to Tommy's office opens, and Milo pauses. To his surprise, it's Jude who walks out. Some intuition makes him hide to watch surreptitiously. She's wearing an uncharacteristically short skirt, but he has to admit she looks pretty good. As she's about to walk away, she turns back around to look at Tommy, who's standing in the doorway. Milo's eyes widen as Tommy reaches out, stroking Jude's face. The gesture is way too intimate to be platonic, and Jude responds in kind, pressing his hand to her face with one hand, then turning her face to kiss his palm. From what Milo can see of their expressions, their gazes are intense. "Holy shit." he whispers, his eyes wide.

As Jude turns slowly, reluctantly, away from Tommy and walks the other way down the hall, Milo has only one thought.

Someone has to tell Lorena.


	14. Chapter 14

"Lorena?" Tommy calls as he walks into his apartment. She told him she'd meet him here, but all the lights are off, so he wonders if he misunderstood her. "Lor?" he calls again as he walks into the living room. He nearly jumps out of his skin when he turns on the light and sees her sitting on his couch, staring at him. "Jesus!" he cries. "You scared the shit out of me! What the hell are you doing sitting here in the dark?" He laughs a little, but he's starting to feel uneasy. Her eyes are red, like she's been crying.

"Where were you?" she asks, quietly. Her words slur a little, and he notices the bottle sitting beside her on the coffee table.

"Are you drunk?" he asks, surprised. Then he frowns as he looks closer. "Hey, is that mine?"

"Where were you?" she asks again, more loudly.

"I was at work. I told you, I had some catching up to do with Karma's album. I'm home when I said I'd be." Tommy says as he steps forward and picks up the bottle, finding it nearly empty. "Jesus, Lor, this shit is expensive! What the hell? Did you drink all of this?"

She ignores the question. "Were you really at work, Tom? Were you really working with Karma? If I called Darius Mills right now and asked him, he'd say you were working?" her lower lip trembles a little, and fear shoots through him as he realizes what's going on. She knows. But how?

"Yes, Lor, I was really at work." He speaks gently, setting the bottle back on the table, and sitting down next to her. "Where else would I have been? What is this about?"

"I want to believe you." Lorena's voice cracks. "I really really want to believe you."

"It's the truth, baby." he hears himself slipping into the voice he used to use with Portia when she'd suspect him of doing something he shouldn't have. Sweet, soothing, and manipulative as hell. He almost cringes at the sound of it. "Do you want to tell me what's going on? Why you drank all of my Glenlivet?"

"I didn't. I poured half of it out. Some of the other bottles in your liquor cabinet too." she mumbles.

"You _what?"_ he snaps, the soothing tone gone. "Excuse me?"

Lorena ignores him, looking almost like she's in a daze, her eyes focused somewhere past him. "Do you know Milo Keegan? The most recent Instant Star? He works for G Major now, obviously, but he interned for Cardinal a while back, trying to break into the biz. Ambitious little bastard. O'Neil fired him for trying to record a demo on our equipment after hours. But, you know, part of me always kind of admired that. He's just driven. Nothing wrong with that. We got along, me and Milo."

"What the fuck does he have to do with anything?"

"Because he called me." Her eyes focus on him now. "He left a message on my work phone yesterday telling me to call him back, and when I did… He told me something, something about you, and I didn't believe him, I didn't… But then I started thinking about it."

 _Shit_. His mind races, trying to figure out if Milo could have found out somehow about him and Jude, if he could've seen something. Maybe yesterday? _Oh, fuck._ "Look, Milo doesn't… I don't know what he told you, but–"

"Do you love me?" Lorena asks, cutting him off.

The question throws him, and he stammers, "I… uh, I mean, I… Lor, I care about you. You know that."

"Are you just afraid to say it? Afraid to talk about your feelings? Afraid to commit? Did someone break your heart and now you're just scared it'll happen again? If you think you feel it but you're scared to say it, it's okay. You can tell me that. Just… Do you love me? Do you love me, Tom?" her voice cracks, and there are tears in her eyes.

He should lie. He should say yes, he should tell her he's a coward but he loves her even though he's been too afraid to say it. He should tell her she's the only one for him. He knows this script, has used it before. Lorena knows the truth, deep down, has probably known for a while, but he can tell by the look in her wide, teary eyes that she wants desperately to believe Milo lied. He can call her "baby" and kiss her softly and tell her Milo's just a jealous kid who doesn't know what he's talking about. If he plays this right, she'll believe him. He's good at this. _Tommy Q_ is good at this.

The words are on the tip of his tongue. _Yes, baby. Yes, I love you. Lorena, it's all you, only you._ But… he can't bring himself to say them. He can't bring himself to be that guy again. He sighs. "You are… You're so great, Lorena. You're brilliant, and you're beautiful, and I want to be with you, I really, honestly do, but…"

She squeezes her eyes shut, sucks in a sharp breath. "That's what I thought." Her eyes pop open, and she looks angry now. "You're sleeping with Jude Harrison." she accuses. He winces, and Lorena's off the couch like a shot, turned away from him with her hands in her hair, whispering "No, no."

"Lor…"

She whips around. "How long?"

He shakes his head. "That doesn't matter. All that matters is that it's over now, and I'm so, so sorry."

"It doesn't _matter?!"_ Lorena cries. "I must not matter much either!"

"That's not true." He keeps his voice even.

"Why?" she asks, her voice soft and desperate again. "Why did you do it? Is it something I- is there something wrong with–"

 _"No."_ he says, adamantly. "Lorena, it's _not_ you, okay? It's–"

"Don't give me that weak shit, Quincy!" she shouts. "Don't you _dare_ feed me that bullshit 'it's not you, it's me' line. Just be honest with me for _once_. You fucked another woman, and you need to tell me why! What does she have that I don't?" Her voice is increasing in pitch, becoming almost hysterical.

"It wasn't like that, Lor. I promise you it was _not_ like that."

Lorena has started to pace. "She's… Jude is… She's 19, she's a _child_." She stops suddenly and looks at him. "Is that it, then? Am I too _old_ for you?"

Anger surges in him and he stands up from the couch. "She's _not_ a child." he snaps before he can stop himself. "Don't you dare try to make this into something it's not. What Jude and I–" he cuts himself off before he can say _what Jude and I have_ as if they have something, as if she's not dating someone else, as if he isn't standing here trying to defend to his girlfriend the purity of his affair with another woman.

Her eyes widen. "You're in love with her."

He opens his mouth to deny it, but the words stick in his throat. After a moment, he sighs.

"Oh my God, you're in love with her." Lorena whispers, looking stricken. "You've always been in love with her, this whole time. Our whole relationship has been a lie." She turns away again, whispering "This cannot be happening."

"It's not like that, Lor, it–"

"Why are you even with me?" she turns back to him. "Why would you even do that if you were in love with someone else? How hard is it to just say 'sorry, can't do exclusive, I'm in love with my ex'?"

"I never meant for you to get hurt. I never wanted this to happen." Tommy says softly, taking a step towards her.

She backs up, putting a hand out and shaking her head. "Wait a minute. Wait. She's dating someone else. She has a boyfriend."

"Yes." he confirms with a sigh.

"So then you _used_ me?" Lorena's voice cracks. "You used me so you wouldn't be alone? So you wouldn't just be the other guy with her?"

"Hey, no." he insists. "It was not like that."

She laughs, high-pitched and hysterical. "So you're telling me that if she left him, you wouldn't have dumped me in a second?"

Tommy winces again, because she's exactly right. "I'm so sorry, Lor. I never wanted you to get hurt, I never–"

"Shut the fuck up!" Lorena screams, making him flinch.

"What do you want me to do?" he asks, his voice gentle and pleading. "What can I do to make this up to you?"

"Make it _up to me?"_ she cries. "You actually think you can fix this? This wasn't some little thing! You cheated on me!"

"She and I are over." It's not really the truth. They said they'd cool it for a while, that they needed to take a break and be more careful, but they didn't actually say they'd stop. Even if they had, he's not sure he'd make it very long. The second Jude showed any interest he'd be right back with her, regardless of Lorena or Jamie. He's just that pathetic, just that horrible.

"You think that matters?!" Lorena cries incredulously. "I can't believe you. I honestly cannot believe you." She lunges forward and he thinks for a second she's going to hit him or something, but she just grabs the bottle from the coffee table and takes a long swig. She coughs and wipes her mouth with the back of her hand. "You're pathetic, Quincy." she says, pointing at him with the hand holding the bottle. "I cannot believe I fell for your fucking lies. I can't believe…" she laughs, shaking her head and turning away, taking another drink. He wants to tell her to stop, but he doesn't dare. Suddenly, overwhelmingly, he just wants this to be over. He doesn't want to rewind to keep her from finding out, or to keep himself from cheating at all, he wants to fast forward. He wants her out.

After a long moment she says in a low voice "You know, there's a lot you don't know about me."

"What?" he asks, confused at the non-sequitur.

She looks back at him, and he can't read her expression. Her voice is calm when she speaks, but cold. "I was a foster kid." she says. "My mom was an addict. Heroin." She shakes her head. Tommy feels sick, picturing his own mother passed out drunk on the couch. Lorena looks down at the floor and continues. "Child Services took us away from her when I was seven and my little sister was three. We'd go from home to home, sometimes together, sometimes not, and then Mom would get clean again and we'd go back with her. She'd do great for a long time, sometimes years, but then she'd relapse again, and…" she closes her eyes. "It wasn't her fault. Addiction is an illness, but she was really sick, back then. She's better now, been clean for over ten years, but when I was a kid it was really bad. They stopped letting us go back to her when I was 12." She opens her eyes and looks at him, her face filling with disgust when she sees his expression. "Wipe that fucking look off your face, Quincy. I don't want your pity. This is why I don't fucking tell people. I don't need anyone's _pity_. I'm not telling you this so you'll feel sorry for me."

"Why _are_ you telling me this?" he asks quietly.

"Because I want you to understand that I pulled myself up from _nothing._ " she hisses. "I put myself through school, I put my sister through school, I am the best damn producer in Toronto… And I didn't let it all fuck me up, Tom! I learned how to love myself, not to depend on anyone else. I'm doing _great_. But do you know how long it took me to trust people? To open up to people? To stop believing that everyone I love is just going to hurt me?"

He can't look at her, the shame is too strong. Because he _does_ know. He understands better than she thinks. "Lor, I am so–"

"Shut up." she spits. "Shut the fuck up. I lived through impossible things. I didn't just survive my childhood, I fucking _thrived_. I am strong, I am smart, I am… But then I let some selfish, washed-up ex-boybander _use_ me! I let you make me fall in love with you while you fucked some high school girl!" He doesn't object this time, just keeps looking down at the floor until Lorena cries "You humiliated me!" and he jumps at the sound of the bottle shattering against the wall behind him.

He looks back at the broken glass, then at Lorena, who's staring at the wet brick and the smashed bottle with wide eyes. "Lorena," he says in the most soothing voice he can manage "you need to calm down, okay? Take a breath."

"You deserve worse than wasted scotch, Quincy." she snaps, looking back at him. "But you're right." she holds up her hands. "I'm calm." She smiles coldly, and it chills him to the bone. "Because you know what? You're not even worth it." She walks past him, grabbing her coat and heading for the front door, but she stumbles a little going up the two steps out of his living room.

He thinks of his last conversation with Angie and says "Stop. Lorena, stop."

Lorena turns, incredulous. "Excuse me?"

"You're drunk." Tommy says gently, walking up to her. "Let me take you home."

"Oh, no fucking way." she laughs. "No way." she turns away again, and he reaches out to stop her, grabbing her shoulders. She whips around, slapping him hard across the face. "Don't touch me!" she screams. "You don't get to touch me!"

He steps back, putting one hand on his stinging cheek, one hand up in a gesture of surrender. "Okay! Ow, Jesus! I just don't want you to get hurt."

"I think it's a little late for that." she snaps.

"Please." he says softly. "Please don't do anything stupid. Let me at least call you a cab. I want you to be safe, okay?"

Lorena laughs again, hard and sharp. "Oh fuck off. I'm not going to drive drunk. I'm not an idiot. Don't pretend you suddenly care."

"I do care, Lor, I always–"

"Shut up." she hisses. She regards him coldly for a moment before shaking her head and saying "You could never deserve me, Tom Quincy."

Without another word, she turns on her heel and walks out of the apartment, slamming the door behind her.

* * *

 **A/N:** Okay, not gonna lie, writing Tommy getting slapped in the face was very satisfying. Don't get me wrong, I love me some Tom Quincy, but he also sometimes deserves to be slapped. (My apologies to Leibeezer whose reviews have all been extremely defensive of Tommy.)


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N:** The lyrics in this chapter are Sam Smith's "Stay With Me". In case you didn't guess, that song is also the source of this story's title.

* * *

Jude's phone chimes as she's scrolling through NBR's twitter feed.

[ From: Tommy ]  
[ 21:38 ]  
rehearsal space in half an hr?

Her stomach flips and she sends a quick reply before deleting the text.

[ From: Jude ]  
[ 21:38 ]  
we said cool it for awhile

[ From: Tommy ]  
[ 21:39 ]  
i know but we need to talk. its important

She deletes the texts just as Jamie walks into the room, and she jumps when he says her name.

"Sorry." he apologizes quickly. "Didn't mean to startle you."

"It's fine. I guess I'm on edge." she shrugs.

Jamie frowns. "That's kind of what I wanted to talk to you about." he sits on the couch next to her. "You've been acting weird lately. I know you keep saying it's nothing, but…"

He trails off as Jude's phone rings. "Sorry, Jame." She pulls out her phone, relieved at the interruption until she sees the caller ID. It's Tommy, of course.

She's torn between two conversations she doesn't know how to have, and her finger hovers over the "ignore" button until Jamie, who's looking over her shoulder, says, "Go ahead and answer it. It could be about the song."

 _It's not._ she thinks, but she nods and stands up, walking a few feet away from Jamie as she answers the phone. "Not a good time, Tom."

"He's there?" Tommy asks quietly. His voice sounds off, though she can't pinpoint what's wrong.

"Yeah."

"That's okay. Look, Jude. We really need to talk. Say it's a work problem. Say D is making us change everything last minute. I don't care, just… please."

"Seriously? Can't it wait?" she asks, annoyed.

"No, it really can't. There's stuff I need to tell you. As soon as possible."

"Why not over the phone then?" she's conscious of Jamie's eyes on her.

"It's complicated. It's about… Look, please trust me. Rehearsal space? Please?" he sounds tense, nervous. He's practically begging her, and her concern and her curiosity win out.

She sighs heavily. "Fine. I'll be there soon."

He sounds relieved. "Thank you."

"Sure. Bye." She hangs up and turns back to Jamie, who's frowning at her. She purses her lips and lies. "Darius is making last minute changes on the single."

He raises his eyebrows. "This late? Seriously?" When she nods, he looks sympathetic. "Ugh, I'm sorry."

"He's been pulling this shit for ages. Do you remember my second album?"

"The thing with My Sweet Time?"

She nods and rolls her eyes. "It's a power play or something, probably. I'm so done with G Major." She tries not to think about how despicably good she's become at lying to Jamie. "I have to go."

"Okay." He stands up and hugs her. "But can we talk when you get back?"

She shrugs. "I guess."

He looks at her for a moment, frowning a little, like there's something he's trying to figure out, but then his face clears and he smiles as he says "See you later, then." He kisses her quickly.

"I love you, Jamie." She puts a hand briefly on the side of his face. "Like really really."

He looks a little surprised. "Yeah, I love you too." He frowns, concerned. "Are you okay, Jude?"

"I'm…" she trails off, unable to answer. She's _so_ _sick_ of lying. She wants to tell Jamie everything, but how can she? It would kill him. She would lose him. "There's stuff." she finally says, lamely. "And I can't really talk about it right now, and I'm sorry." her eyes start to fill up with tears and her voice cracks on the last word.

Jamie's eyes widen. "What's going on? You can tell me. You can tell me anything. Are you okay?"

She nods, but her eyes are still teary. "Everything's fine. It's nothing."

He pulls her to him in another tight hug. "Well whatever it is, it's going to be okay."

He's comforting her over what she's doing, and that guilt is too much, so she pulls away and tries to smile. "I'm fine. I have to go."

"Talk later?" He still looks concerned.

"Sure." She smiles faintly and leaves.

As she gets in her car, she can't shake the overwhelming sensation that this whole house of cards she's built is about to crash down, and there might not be anything she can do to stop it.

.

Tommy can't stop pacing back and forth across Jude's rehearsal space. What the hell does he think he's doing? Why does he think this is going to work? He should just tell her about Lorena, just let her know, and then let her go to deal with it. Isn't this the worst possible timing for him to… but no. He chickened out once before, and look where it got them. He's been a coward for too long when it comes to Jude, and that has to end today, for better or worse.

He's still fighting this battle with himself when the door opens behind him. He turns to see Jude in the doorway and smiles a little. "Hey. Thanks for coming."

"Of course. You said it was important."

"Yeah." He nods. "Come in."

She raises her eyebrows, amused. "You're inviting me into my own place?"

He cringes a little. "Yes, because I am an idiot."

She laughs and shakes her head as she walks past him, taking her coat and gloves off, placing them on the couch. She turns back to him. "So, what's this thing you need to tell me that can't wait and can't be done over the phone?"

"It's… complicated." He walks over to her. "You look beautiful." he says softly.

"Tommy…" she sighs.

"What?" he puts a hand on her cheek. "You do."

"We said–"

"I know." he cuts her off. She doesn't pull away as he leans in and whispers, "just kiss me."

He kisses her and, as usual, she's putty in his hands to a totally unhealthy degree. She gives in immediately, wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing him back. But when he slips a hand into the back of her shirt after a moment, she pulls back. Her voice is a little breathless as she says, "Tommy, I meant it when I said I can't do this anymore." She looks into his eyes. "I can't keep cheating on Jamie. It's wrong, it's–"

He interrupts, saying gently, "Jude, I know. I get it." He presses a kiss to her forehead, then pulls away completely, removing his arms from around her. "And I agree, okay?"

"So, what, you asked me here to say goodbye? That it's over?"

He looks pained. "If that's what you want. But it's more complicated than that."

"You keep saying that, calling it 'complicated,' but I have no idea what you mean." She frowns. "What's going on? Can you just talk to me like a normal person for–"

Tommy interrupts her again. "I need you to listen to this song."

The non-sequitur confuses her. "What?"

He looks really nervous now, fidgeting with the rings on his right hand. "I wrote a song, and I want you to hear it."

"Um… okay? Did you ask me here to listen to a song?"

"There's stuff I need to tell you, but first can you just listen, Jude, please?"

She means to further question his sanity, but his expression makes her shut up as he sits down at the upright. She sits on the stool on the other side of the piano and nods. "Fine, I'm all ears. Hit me."

He can't really believe he's doing this, but he knows it's what he should have done ages ago, before they got into this mess. He places his notebook on the stand in front of him, takes a deep breath, and starts to play.

 _Guess it's true, I'm not good at a one-night stand  
But I still need love 'cause I'm just a man  
These nights never seem to go to plan  
I don't want you to leave, will you hold my hand?_

He's not looking at her, he's looking at the music, but she knows him well enough to know that the words are for her. Her heart clenches.

 _Oh, won't you stay with me?  
'Cause you're all I need_

He does look up at her briefly then, as he sings the words "you're all I need," and there's a raw honestly in his expression, a vulnerability she's only captured brief glimpses of over the years. He looks away again.

 _This ain't love, it's clear to see  
But darling, stay with me_

He sings "this ain't love" and knows he could never mean it. They're words he wrote late at night when he was trying to make everything make sense. They're words he told himself over and over again. _This isn't love, it's just sex. I don't love her anymore. She doesn't love me._ He never quite convinced himself, and eventually he stopped even trying.

 _Why am I so emotional?  
No, it's not a good look, gain some self-control  
And deep down I know this never works  
But you can lay with me so it doesn't hurt_

 _Oh, won't you stay with me?  
'Cause you're all I need  
This ain't love, it's clear to see  
But darling, stay with me_

 _Oh, won't you stay with me?  
'Cause you're all I need  
This is love, it's clear to see  
So darling, stay with me_

When the song is finished, there's a moment of silence. She looks distraught when he looks back up at her, so he stands up and moves to her side of the piano, standing in front of her and reaching out to grab her hands.

It's _her_ look he's giving her, tender and a little bit sad, and she feels like she's going to turn inside out. After a long moment of him just looking at her, she says, "You wrote that? For me?" He just nods. She looks at him and shakes her head. "I don't know what you want from me."

"I want you, Jude." he sighs. "Just you."

She sighs, squeezing his hands. "I told you, I can't keep doing this. I can't keep sneaking around, lying to Jamie." she pulls her hands out of his, running them both through her hair. "It's not who I am, Tommy. I am not this girl. I'm not the girl who cheats on her boyfriend, on her best friend. I'm not… I can't do this anymore." There are tears in her eyes.

"Hey. I know." he says gently, putting a hand on her shoulder to calm her down. "I get it. I told you, I agree. The sneaking around, the lies, the cheating on people we care about, it's not what I want either. That's what I'm saying."

"But you said–"

"I do want to be with you, Jude. More than anything. I want all of you with me forever."

"Oh my god." Her eyes widen. "Wait, what? What are you saying?"

"I'm saying leave him. I'm saying be with me. For real. No cheating, no sneaking around, no secrets. You and me. A real relationship, not just sex."

He puts a hand on her cheek but she pulls back, getting up off the stool and stepping backwards away from him. "Why are you saying this?"

He looks taken aback. "I'm saying it because I mean it. Because I love you." he doesn't hesitate before he says it, doesn't pause or mumble or look away. He means this. It's the truest truth he has to give her. "I have for ages, for years. It's not about sex. None of this has ever been about the sex, Jude. I _love_ you. I mean it."

There was a time when she'd have given anything to hear that, but now she's shaking her head. "Tommy, I am with Jamie. I… I love Jamie."

"If that were true you wouldn't be here." It's a low blow, and he says it without thinking. She flinches, and he backtracks. "Wait, I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. I know you care about him, but what I meant is you care about me too, or you wouldn't be with me at all."

"But why now?" she cries. "If you've felt this way for _years_ , why did you wait until _now_ to tell me?"

He nods. "You're right, I know. I wish…" He sighs. "I wanted to tell you before. I meant to tell you forever ago, at that restaurant, after I got your catalog back from Darius. I was going to ask you to come with me to Thailand."

"What?" A few of the tears blurring her vision escape her eyes. "Then why the hell didn't you?"

"Because I… I don't know. I've been over it in my mind a thousand times. I was about to say it, literally just about to say it, and then you got a text from him, and I just… I guess I lost my nerve when I saw that you'd already made your choice."

"But I hadn't!" she cries. "And I would have chosen you!" His eyebrows shoot up and he sucks in a sharp breath as she continues. "If you had told me that, if you had said, 'Jude, I love you, come with me to Thailand,' I would have said yes. But you didn't give me that choice, Tommy! You told me you were leaving, you said you wanted a fresh start! If you had given me a choice, I'd have chosen you." Her lower lip trembles.

He steps close to her again, putting a hand on her face and tenderly wiping some her tears away with his thumb. He whispers, "choose me now."

Anger surges in her and she steps back again, pushing his hand away. "I would have chosen you, and then I'd have regretted it." He jerks back like she's hit him.

He says, "I love you" again, like he expects it to be a cure-all, like he thinks that's all that matters.

"I've loved you since I was fifteen! So what?" she's practically shouting now. "Are you really that naïve, Tom? Do you really think we'd be living happily ever after? If I had chosen you, we'd have gone, what? A few months? A few days, like the last time? How long do you think it would've been before it fell apart? How long until you broke up with me when I got too clingy, when I wanted you to let me in and tell me about your stupid past? How long do you think we would last before you broke my heart again? How long before I wasn't enough and you slept with someone else?"

"Jude!" he protests, "I would ne–"

"Don't you dare say you would never! Of course you would." she hisses. "I know you, Tommy. You only love me because you always want what you can't have. You'd love me until it got too hard, and then you'd just throw us away like you always do."

"That's not true! How can you say that?!"

She puts her head in her hands and looks down at the ground. "Jamie loves me." Her voice is softer now, and the tears are coming faster. "Jamie is so good to me. He would never ever hurt me. He's a better person than either of us. How did I do this? How could I throw away everything I had?" She looks back at Tommy, and the pain in his expression makes her feel sick. For the first time in her memory, he made himself completely vulnerable to her. He was totally open about his feelings, and she responded by stomping all over them. "Oh, Tommy, I didn't mean to… I do c-care about you. Of course I do, I just… I…" She's pretty sure she's just broken his heart, and maybe she's breaking her own in the process. She reaches out to him, then stops her hand, curling her fingers into a fist and pulling it back when she thinks again of Jamie. Her Jamie, sweet and trusting and funny and the one she was always supposed to want. She and Tommy deserve to end up heartbroken, after what they've done, but Jamie doesn't. She gives Tommy one last desperate look and shakes her head. "I can't. I have to go. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." she walks over to the couch, putting on her coat.

He's in shock, reeling. Even his imagined worst-case scenario didn't go this badly. It isn't until Jude is at the door that he says, "Lorena knows."

Jude whips around. "What?"

"She knows, Jude." Tommy says flatly. "About us."

"You told her?" she cries.

He shakes his head. "Milo must have seen something the other day at the studio. He told her. She confronted me today and she saw it in my face. I couldn't deny it."

Jude's shocked expression turns furious again. "Are you kidding me? That's why you did this?" her voice is low, but venomous. "You asshole! That's why you told me you loved me? Are you that afraid of being alone?"

"What? No!" he protests. "Of course not! I told you because it's the truth! I've been meaning to for a while, I was just looking for the right time, and I–"

"Bullshit!" she cuts him off.

"Well clearly I fucking regret it!" he shouts back.

"She could have told someone! Jamie could– How could you do this? How could you not warn me right away?" she's so angry at him now that she's actually shaking. "You are a goddamn _selfish_ coward, Quincy!"

His voice turns cold. "Yeah? Well, right back at you, Harrison."

She hisses, "Whatever we were? It's over. I don't ever want to see you again." then storms out and slams the door behind her.


	16. Chapter 16

"Pick up, pick up, pick up." Jude mutters as she drives and dials Jamie's cell for the second time.

Finally he answers. "Hey, sorry. My phone was in the other room. What's up?"

She's relieved at the sound of his voice, but it's short-lived. Even though he doesn't know yet, now he's going to find out no matter what she does. She has no choice but to tell him, and hope he hates her less for her honesty than he would if he heard it from someone else. Tears fill her eyes. "Jamie, I really messed up."

"What? Messed up how? With the song? Did something happen with Darius?"

"No, it's not that, I'm…" she tries to hold in a sob. "I'm not at G-Major. I didn't go to G Major."

"I don't understand. Are you okay? What's wrong? Is there anything I can do? Tell me how I can help."

He sounds so concerned and it breaks her heart that much more. "I have to tell you something, and you're gonna hate me, but I haven't been honest with you, and I need to be."

"What? Jude, I don't understand."

She takes a deep breath, trying to stop her crying and focus on the road. "I'm going to be home in five minutes, and I'll tell you everything then."

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, I just… Five minutes, okay?"

"Yeah, but look. Whatever it is, it's going to be okay." he tries to reassure her. "We're going to get through it. I love you."

Her voice is a whisper as she says "I love you too."

.

The feeling of dread builds in her as she drives, and by the time she pulls up to Jamie's house, it's so strong she can't breathe. She sits in her car for a minute, trying to breathe deeply, to steel herself to do this. It's going to hurt him so badly. He's going to hate her. She's going to lose him. But she doesn't have a choice.

Jamie notices her car and opens the front door, walking onto the front porch and wrapping his arms around himself in the cold. Her time is up. She takes one last deep breath and steps out of the car, walking up to Jamie as slowly as she dares with him waiting expectantly in the freezing air. When she reaches him, he puts an arm around her shoulders and says, "hey, are you okay?" He looks worried, and her throat feels like it's closing up. She doesn't answer, just hugs him tightly, burying her face in his chest and breathing him in for probably the last time. She's trying to memorize this sensation, and he stands there holding her even though he's starting to shiver.

Finally, she pulls back, tears streaking her face. "Sorry, you're freezing. Let's go inside."

He follows her into his house. As she pulls off her gloves and unzips her coat, he asks again, "Seriously, are you okay?"

Jude turns to look at him. "Is Nana here?"

Jamie shakes his head. "No, she has her book club. She won't be home for another hour. Jude, you _need_ to tell me what's going on. You're scaring me."

She shakes her head. "I messed up, Jamie. I seriously messed up."

His frown deepens. "You said that before, but I don't know what you mean. Messed up how?" When she hesitates again, he continues. "Does this have something to do with Darius?"

She shakes her head again. "No, it's nothing like that, I…" she trails off again, covering her mouth with her hand.

Jamie's starting to get frustrated. "What, then? Something with the paparazzi? Some kind of a scandal? You have to talk to me so I can help you."

"You're going to hate me." she whispers, more to herself than to him.

He looks distraught. "Of course I won't hate you!" _Say it, Jude._ she thinks as he reaches out his arms to her. "Whatever it is, we'll get through it." _You have to tell him. Now._ "God, Jude, you know I could never–"

In the end she just blurts it out. "I've been sleeping with someone else."

Jamie freezes, his arms halfway outstretched. After a second he shakes his head slightly and pulls back. "Wait. You… what?"

She lets out a little sob. "I haven't been f-faithful to you. I- I'm so sorry, I–"

"No." Jamie says in a low voice, looking down at the ground and shaking his head again. "No, no. I don't… I don't understand. Is this some kind of joke? Because it's not funny."

Jude shakes her head and feels her heart splinter a little more. "Jamie, I'm so sorry."

He's breathing heavier now, starting to look horrified more than shocked, though there's no real anger in his face yet. "Who?" he breathes. Jude hesitates, and Jamie looks up at her. "Who was it?" he asks, louder this time.

"Jamie…"

His eyes widen. "Say it." he whispers, and she can tell by the look on his face that he already knows.

She squeezes her eyes shut and nods. "Tommy."

She hears his sharp intake of breath and opens her eyes as he turns away from her, hand over his mouth, looking a bit like he's going to be sick. "No." he whispers again. "No. No way."

Tears are pouring from her eyes now, and she lets out another sob. "I'm so sorry, I'm so–"

He turns back to her. "How long?" He does look angry now, a flush creeping up his neck into his cheeks, his hands shaking slightly. "You said _I've been,_ not… How long has this been going on?"

She shakes her head. "It's complicated. You just need to know that I'm sor–"

"How long?!" he shouts.

She flinches and looks away, but she takes a deep breath and looks back at him. She owes him honesty now. "The first time was before he left. And then after he came back…" she trails off, looking at him helplessly. "Jamie, I'm so sorry."

He looks like he's been punched in the gut. "That was this summer. That was almost six months ago." his voice is quiet again, horrified. "How could you… how could…"

"Please, you have to understand–"

"Understand?!" he cries. "Understand that you lied to me for _six months?_ No, I don't fucking _understand,_ Jude!"

"I love you." she sobs. "I–"

His face contorts. "Do not say that! You've lied to me enough!"

Jude's eyes widen. "It's not a lie, Jamie! I do love–"

"Don't say that!" he shouts. "You don't get to say that." His voice breaks on the last word and he turns away from her, pressing the heels of his hands into his forehead. "Get out." his voice is low.

"Please, I'm–"

He whirls around, his face red, angrier than she's ever seen him. "Get out!" he screams, pointing to the door. When she still doesn't move, he takes a step towards her and shouts again. "Get the hell out of my house and don't ever fucking come back!"

She stumbles backwards, walking away from him, towards the door. She zips up her coat and prepares to leave for good, but when her hand is on the doorknob, she looks back and says again, "I am so sorry, Jamie."

"I don't care!" he shouts, but his voice cracks again, and she can see that his eyes have filled with tears. She opens the door, but stands for another moment in the doorway, wishing desperately that she could turn back the clock, somehow salvage this situation.

But she's the one who's made this mess, and the only thing she can do now is try to weather the fallout, so she takes one last look at Jamie, wipes the tears from her cheeks, and leaves.


	17. Chapter 17

And just like that, in one fell swoop, Jude has lost everyone. All of her friends are also Jamie's friends, and they all rightly took his side. Even Spied, though he tried to be nice about it, told her that they probably shouldn't see each other for a while, for Jamie's sake. Sadie tried to be the supportive big sister when she found out, but Jude could tell that she was angry, not only on Jamie's behalf, but because Jude had lied to her for so long. She betrayed her sister's trust too. But even if that weren't the case, Sadie broke up with Kwest the day after Jude and Jamie split, so it wouldn't really be fair for Jude to try and rely on her for comfort. Her dad, of course, was understanding, but Jude takes no comfort in that. The painful memory of his affair and how it tore their family apart only makes her feel guiltier, driving home the knowledge that she's done something she swore she'd never do.

The day Jude went to grab her stuff from Jamie's house and NBR, Zeppelin answered the door. Though normally a sweet person, Zeppelin was actually the cruelest of anyone. Jude's "hi, Zep" was just met with a cold stare, and she made no move to help Jude with the heavy box. Jude could feel Zeppelin glaring daggers at her, and just prayed that she'd be able to get out of the house without confrontation. No such luck, though. As Jude was passing her in the hall, almost to the door, Zeppelin hissed, "He loved you." Jude looked at Zeppelin, fighting to keep her face expressionless as the other girl continued. "How could you do that to him? Jamie is kind, and thoughtful, and smart, and he was _so_ good to you. He's the most wonderful person, and you betrayed him. How could you?"

Jude felt a surge of anger, because how dare Zeppelin, who's known Jamie for just over six months, try to tell Jude about the boy who's been her best friend for 15 years? But she knew that what Zeppelin was saying wasn't wrong, and that she deserved every bit of it, so she bit the inside of her cheek and said nothing, putting her head down and moving to the door.

"You never deserved him." Zeppelin spat as Jude opened the door.

Jude turned around, and her emotionless mask cracked for a second, her voice breaking as she said, "You don't think I know that?"

Jude misses Jamie all the time. At night she stares at his bedroom window and thinks of the boy next door who's been her best friend for as long as she can remember. She sees when he turns off his light, imagines him laying there in bed hurting, hating her, and it tears her to pieces. She cries herself to sleep most nights, now. Most days it hurts too much to be in her house, so close to his, so she goes to the rehearsal space and plays music for hours. When that reminds her too much of Tommy and Jamie and all of the friends she's now lost, she just wanders. She has a little collection built up of parks and coffee shops where she sits and watches the people, making up stories about their lives to try and forget her own. Sometimes she gets recognized, and she'll spend a while signing autographs or playing her guitar for fans. That's her only saving grace, the fact that the cheating story hasn't gone public. At least no one hates her enough to do that to her, and the media wasn't interested enough in her relationship with the non-famous Jamie for the breakup to even cause a blip on their radar.

Most pathetic of all, she misses Tommy. She's haunted by the memory of his face the last time they saw each other, so hurt that he didn't even try to hide it from her, and by the words "I _love_ you. I mean it." said so earnestly it feels like a knife in her stomach every time she thinks of it. Because she loves him too. She always has. Thinking back on it, the idea that their affair had been about anything other than that was ludicrous. From the very beginning her love for him was what drew her back to him, made her unable to resist even when she knew how wrong it was, even as the guilt ate her up.

She didn't realize before, didn't let herself see how their affair had been tearing him apart too, that he was in it just as deeply has she was. She looked past the look in his eyes and convinced herself he felt nothing more for her than lust, than his attraction to the unobtainable, when the truth is that his feelings for her have always as deep and terrifying and dangerous as hers for him. But he'd pretended it was nothing, squeezed her hand in that restaurant and then let her go without giving her a choice. He never voiced his love for her. He made such an effort to keep it locked away, so she convinced herself she didn't see it in his eyes, that she couldn't sense it in the way he kissed her. Deep down she always knew he loved her too, but she didn't let herself believe it. She didn't think she had the power to break his heart, didn't even realize he'd given it to her until it was in pieces on the floor and he was looking at her with a vulnerability that was all she ever wanted from him, and a pain that was everything she'd feared.

Tommy texted her only once, the day after she last saw him. All the text said was "jude im so sorry" and she deleted it without responding. Sometimes she holds her phone and her fingers actually ache from the desire to call him and hear his voice. But he wouldn't want to hear from her anyway, not after what she said to him. Even if he did, and by some miracle he still wants to be with her, they don't deserve that, don't deserve to end up together after what they did to Jamie and Lorena.

She deserves every second of this loneliness.

.

When the doorbell rings, Jude is laying on her couch and trying not to think about Tommy. It's been three weeks and five days since everything fell apart, and she's withdrawn pretty firmly into herself. New Year's has come and gone, and Jude greeted it resentfully, alone with a bottle of champagne she and Jamie were saving for the occasion. The new year for her offers no promise of renewal for her, no second chances.

She decides she'll ignore the doorbell, even though she knows Sadie's at work so there's no one else to get it. It rings again, and then the person starts knocking. At the third ring, Jude finally drags herself up from the couch to answer the door. Her heart nearly stops when she opens it and sees who's standing on her porch.

"Relax, Jude." Lorena laughs at her expression. "I'm not here to fight you or anything, I just want to talk."

"H-how did you…" Jude stammers.

"I knew you lived next door to NBR, and there's an address online for that." Lorena smiles apologetically. "A little creepy, I know. I'm sorry for that. But you've been ignoring my calls."

Jude has indeed received several calls from Lorena over the past couple of weeks. Lorena left messages each time, but the only one Jude opened was the first, which began, in a sweet tone of voice more terrifying than yelling would have been, "Hi, Jude, this is Lorena Harper. You know, the ex-girlfriend of the man you've been fucking behind my back?" Jude had hung up then, and deleted all of the other messages as they came in, without listening to them.

When Jude just continues to stare, Lorena raises a perfect eyebrow and says "Well? Are you going to let me in? It's freezing out here." Jude hesitates, and Lorena says, "Look, I honestly just want to talk to you. And I think you owe me that much."

Finally Jude steps aside, letting Lorena into the house and closing the door behind her. As Lorena removes her coat and gloves, Jude is struck again by how pretty she is. Before, on the few occasions she was around Tommy's girlfriend, it gave her a kind of perverse ego boost, the fact that even though Tommy was dating this gorgeous woman, he was still deeply and inescapably drawn to Jude. Now, Lorena's beauty just makes Jude sharply aware of her own makeup-less face, unwashed hair, and worn-out hoodie.

"You live with your parents, right?" Lorena asks, looking around Jude's living room with a little smirk as she lays her coat over the back of the couch. "House like this, not exactly rockstar chic."

"I live with my sister." Jude says tersely. "Our parents are gone." Lorena turns, looking startled. Jude realizes the implication of what she's just said, and corrects herself quickly. "Oh, no, I mean, they're not _gone,_ God. My mom lives with her new husband, and my dad is backpacking through Europe. He's, uh, finding himself, I guess? I think he's in Spain right now. This is his record collection." _Stop talking._ she reprimands herself.

Lorena seems to find Jude's nervousness amusing, but she regards the LPs with genuine admiration. "Impressive." she smiles. "Your dad sounds like a cool guy."

"You didn't come here to ask about my parents." Jude says, crossing her arms over her chest.

"No, I didn't." Lorena turns back, her expression serious again. "I just…" she sighs, seeming frustrated. "I need to understand. I need to know what happened, okay? And I can't talk to him." She looks away, down at the floor. "I couldn't… face that conversation. Not that he'd tell me anything anyway. He's so damn good at shutting people out." She looks back up at Jude and smiles wryly. "But I guess you probably know that."

Jude feels sick. "I don't know what you want from me."

"I just need you to answer my questions. You do owe me that, Jude. Is there somewhere we can talk? Preferably with coffee? I haven't had mine today, and my head is killing me. You're a bit of a caffeine addict yourself, right? I think Tom told me that." She smiles, too sweetly.

The comment is clearly designed to make Jude uncomfortable, and it succeeds. Her heart twists a little at the idea that he talked about her to his girlfriend. She pulls her arms more tightly around herself and says, as politely as she can muster, "Sure. I can make a pot."

Lorena follows her to the kitchen and sits down at the counter as Jude starts the coffee maker. "Your sister is Sadie, right? She works at G Major?" she asks in that same casual tone. Jude just gives a little grunt of confirmation, and Lorena continues. "She used to date Quincy too, didn't she?" She gives a little laugh, and Jude squeezes her eyes shut, hugging herself tighter and willing Lorena to shut up. She doesn't. "Didn't that ever get awkward, knowing you and your sister slept with the same guy? I think for me that would be awkward. Like, when you were in bed with him, did you ever just think 'God, I wonder if he did this to my sister too'?"

"Stop!" Jude shouts, whirling around. "Please!" her voice breaks, and she turns back to the coffee pot, frustratedly wiping tears away with her sweatshirt sleeves.

Lorena sighs. "Jude, I'm sorry." Her voice is gentle, and her remorse seems genuine. "Seriously, I am. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't angry, and I definitely have a right to be, but I didn't come here to torture you, I promise. Don't… please don't cry."

"I'm not!" Jude snaps, cringing a little at how childish the protest sounds, especially accompanied by the fact that she doesn't turn around, purposely keeping her face hidden as she grabs mugs from the cabinet. When the coffee is finished, she sniffles as discreetly as she can, wiping her eyes again, then pours two cups and sets one in front of Lorena, sitting down across from her with the other cup. She stares down at it, afraid to meet Lorena's eyes.

Lorena takes a sip of her coffee, then asks quietly, "When did it start?"

Jude mumbles her answer, barely moving her lips. "The first time was right before he left for New Brunswick, the second time was after he got back."

"When?" Lorena asks, and there's a sudden sharpness to her voice. "How soon after he got back?"

"Why does it matter?" Jude looks up. "Why do you want to know this?"

Lorena takes a deep breath. "It matters, okay? I'm trying to make the timeline make sense. Please. How soon after he got back?"

"The same day." she says quietly. "The day he got back. It was the day after my album release."

"No, wait. That doesn't make sense. Even Tom wouldn't..." Lorena shakes her head. "That would mean he called me, agreed to be exclusive _after_ he was already sleeping with you."

"He wasn't!" Jude protests. "It was… Okay, that time… was a mistake."

Anger flashes in Lorena's eyes. "Once may be a mistake, sweetheart, but sleeping with a guy for months is _not_ a mistake. That's a goddamned affair."

"I know that." Jude says, frustrated. "What I'm trying to say is that after that second time, it wasn't supposed to happen again. I wasn't even speaking to him when you guys got back together, okay? It wasn't until later that it became…" she shakes her head and looks down again, fighting the urge to pull her hood over her head.

"How much later?"

Jude almost shouts _why do you care?!_ but she restrains herself. She deserves this. "I don't know. Few weeks." she mumbles. "It was my birthday. October 10th."

"And you knew he and I were together?" Lorena asks. Jude just nods. Lorena takes another drink of her coffee. "Hmm. And how long were you with your boyfriend? Jamie, right?"

Pain shoots through Jude's chest at the sound of his name, and she has to choke back tears again as she whispers, "over a year."

They're both silent for a long time, except for the sound of Lorena absently tapping her manicured nails on the counter. The sound is annoying, and Jude is about to reach out to stop the tapping when Lorena stops suddenly and says "You're very pretty, you know."

The statement is so ridiculous in this context that Jude actually laughs out loud. "Excuse me?"

Lorena regards Jude appraisingly. "You have a pretty face. Those big eyes, great skin… I remember the first time we met, at that gala for the kids' camp… You were wearing a gold dress, I think? With your hair and makeup done, you look truly lovely. But even sitting here in your kitchen in pajamas, there's a certain charm to you."

Jude stares at her, totally bewildered. "Why are you saying this?"

"Because, the thing is, Jude, I'm very pretty too. Frankly—and I know you're not supposed to say this about yourself, but it's true—I'm kind of a knockout. That's not me being narcissistic, it's just a fact. Now, I know some guys are turned off by women who are aware they look good. You probably know him better, so correct me if I'm wrong, but Tom Quincy isn't one of those guys. He's attracted to confidence, which I have."

Jude squeezes her eyes shut again and whispers "please stop."

Either Lorena doesn't hear, or she just ignores her. "You're also very talented. I've heard your music. Your voice is incredible, and your lyrics are fantastic. Judging by your third album, you're well on your way to becoming a pretty great producer, too. Tom used to _rave_ about it, you know? He was so proud of you it's sickening." Jude flinches at that, and Lorena apologizes. "Sorry. I'm not saying any of this to hurt you, I'm really not." She takes another drink of her coffee, and continues. "Anyway, I'm not really a musician, exactly. Not in the performing sense. I have an okay voice, and I play a few different instruments fairly well, but I'm no world-famous rock star. Not by a long shot. But did you know I went to Berklee College of Music on a full ride? Overcame a lot to do it, too. I studied music production there, and I guarantee I can give any producer in this town a run for their money. I know techniques Tom can only dream of. Darius Mills has been trying to poach me from Cardinal for years. So you're very talented, but really, I am too. We're both driven, we're both passionate… But there's a laundry list of reasons that I'm a great catch. I'm funny, I'm smart, I'm _great_ in bed—honestly, I'm really phenomenal, I–"

"What's your fucking point?!" Jude cries, her frustration boiling over. "That you're better than me? Thanks, but I already knew that!"

Lorena shakes her head, looking down at her mug. "I loved him." Her voice is quiet. "I told him I loved him, and he didn't ever say it back." Pain flashes across her expression for a second before she composes it and looks back up. "He didn't cheat on me because he didn't think I was good enough for him, or even that you were better in some objective way. He cheated because he's in love with you." Jude wraps her arms around herself again and closes her eyes, trying to hold in the sob that's building up in her. Lorena sighs. "But I take it you knew that. And Lil Tommy Q may have always been a philanderer, but you don't seem the type. So I assume you were in love with him too. You must have been, to cheat for so long on a guy you seem to have really cared for." Jude does let out a little sob at that, and Lorena frets, with what seems like genuine concern, "Oh God. Please don't cry, okay? I didn't come here to see you cry. It's okay, Jude, it is."

Jude tries to reign in her tears, but can't seem to stop them. "I'm a terrible person. You can say it, it's okay. I know I am."

"No, you're not." Lorena sighs. "It would actually be easier for me if you were. Do you know how much I'd like to just hate you?"

"Go ahead." Jude laughs, a little hysterically, through her tears. "Please, feel free! I hate me."

"You want to know why I can't hate you?" Lorena asks gently. "It's because you're not a bad person. You're really not. You fell for the wrong person. Fell damn hard, too, from the looks of it. So I get it. I remember being 19, you know? You may not feel like it, but that's still pretty young. You're just a girl who fell in love with the wrong guy, and didn't know how to handle it." Her voice hardens suddenly. "Now, Tom Quincy is an emotionally stunted child in the body of an adult, and he put us all in this position because he didn't know how to deal with having real feelings for someone." Jude can sense the current of contempt under the words, and has to stop herself from defending him. Lorena laughs once, mirthlessly. "But even he's more pathetic than anything, really."

"Lorena, he–"

"Don't." Lorena cuts her off, sharply. "Do _not_ defend him, Jude. At least not to me." Jude shuts her mouth and nods, and Lorena's voice softens again. "My point is that it's going to be okay. You made a big mistake, and you're paying the consequences, which, frankly, you deserve. But you're young, and you're talented, and you're strong, so you're going to get through it. Okay?" Lorena smiles at her, and it reminds Jude a little of Sadie. Jude nods, and Lorena stands up from her chair. "Well, thank you for the coffee, and thank you for being honest with me. I actually feel a lot better." She walks into the living room, grabbing her coat. As she's buttoning it up, she looks over at Jude and says "So if you're ever in need of production advice…" Jude's eyebrows shoot up, incredulous. Lorena laughs, and finishes, "call someone else."

Jude can't manage a laugh, but she smiles a little. "Yeah."

Lorena walks up to Jude and reaches out with a smile, briefly placing a hand on Jude's shoulder. "You're going to be okay, Jude. We both are. I wish you the best. Truly."

* * *

 **A/N:** I loved writing this chapter, this last scene especially. I love Lorena (is it bragging to say that about your OC?) I'd love to hear your thoughts, especially as I'm fairly certain some of you will disagree with or be surprised by the way I went with this Lorena-Jude interaction.


	18. Chapter 18

As she lifts her hand to ring Jamie's doorbell, Jude's heart is pounding so hard it feels like it's going to burst from her chest. She knows he's home because the light is on in his kitchen, and she watched the house from her window until both Nana and Zeppelin left. It's been almost a month and a half now since he found out about Tommy, but Jamie's still justifiably furious, and he's been ignoring her calls and texts. He opens the door, and she feels a pang watching the smile drop from his face when he sees her. "Jude, this isn't a good time." He frowns, and starts to close the door.

"Jamie wait, please, we need to talk."

His frown deepens. "No, I really don't think we do. I've been ignoring your calls for a reason." He starts to close the door, and she steps forward, into the doorway, putting her arm on the door to hold it open.

"Wait, Jame, I have news, okay? Big news. Like, huge."

Jamie's eyebrows shoot up. "I swear to god if you tell me you're pregnant–"

"What? No!" she cries, taken aback. "Jesus, Jamie, no."

He sighs heavily, clearly relieved, but then he shakes his head. "Then I don't care. If it's not something that directly affects me, I don't want to hear it, okay? Please leave."

He starts to close the door again, so she just blurts it out. "I'm moving."

Jamie freezes, looking surprised, then confused. "Wait, what?"

"I'm moving to London. Next week. In 11 days."

His eyes widen. "You're _what?"_

"That's why I needed to talk to you. If you let me in, I'll explain, and then I promise I'll leave you alone. Please? It's cold out here." Jamie obliges, stepping aside and letting her into the house, still looking shocked. She follows him to his kitchen, and the familiarity of the place makes her heart clench.

She sits down at the kitchen table, and he sits across from her. "Excuse me, you're _what?"_ he says, as soon as he sits.

"Bermondsey Records wants to sign me." A few days ago, her doorbell rang, and Jude opened it to reveal a tall, thin woman with an English accent. She introduced herself as "Nicola Dumar, A&R for Bermondsey Records, London," and went on to explain that Jude had been on the label's radar for a while, and that the success of her third album, combined with the fact that she no longer had a contract with any record label, had motivated them to offer her a contract.

"Bermondsey Records in _London_?" Jamie asks, still looking shocked.

Jude nods. "Apparently I've been on their radar. They want to fly my life to London and put everything they have into my music." She feels butterflies in her stomach again just talking about it.

Jamie's face breaks into an astonished smile. "Jude, that's… That's incredible, that's… wow. Congratulations. So you're taking it? It's a good contract?"

Jude nods again and smiles. "I'm still having a lawyer look at it so I don't get blindsided, but it seems amazing." She shifts in her seat. "So I'm leaving. I, uh, wanted to let you know."

Jamie's smile fades. "How soon? You said 11 days?" When Jude nods, he takes a deep breath and lets it out in a sigh. "That's… really fast."

"Yeah, tell me about it." Jude laughs, a little hysterically. "It's all happening at like, warp speed. But it's good, you know? I think it's… what I need. To get away." She looks down at the table, and mutters "There's basically nothing left for me here."

Jamie sighs again. "That's not true, Jude."

She shrugs, looking back up at him. "I'm going to miss Sadie a lot, but no one else is even talking to me, Jame. And I deserve that." She sees him clench his jaw for a second. She continues quickly, trying to sound brighter. "But either way, it's a great opportunity."

Jamie nods, smiling a little. "Congratulations, Jude." He starts to reach across the table to grab her hand, but pulls back quickly, crossing his arms and looking away from her. They sit in uncomfortable silence for a long moment before Jamie quietly asks "What about him? He coming with you or something?"

Jude frowns, confused. "Who?"

Jamie raises his eyebrows at her. "You know who."

Jude looks confused for another moment, but then asks, "Wait, you mean Tommy?" Jamie winces a little at the name, looking back down at the table. Jude shakes her head, baffled. "Why the hell would he be coming with me? Jamie, I haven't even told him. I don't think I'm _going_ to tell him." After the initial shock of the offer had started to wear off, Jude's first thought had been of Tommy, that she wanted his advice on the contract. She came so close to calling him, his contact open on her phone, her thumb hovering over the call button, but she thought better of it in the end.

Jamie looks up, surprised. "What? So you two aren't…"

"What, together?" she finishes, her eyes widening. "God, no. I haven't even talked to him in weeks. Not since everything went down. Wait, you thought…"

"I guess I assumed. But you aren't?"

"No." she shakes her head. "Definitely not. The fact that we're both horrible, selfish people isn't exactly the basis for a relationship."

Jamie laughs at that, too loudly, and Jude tries not to openly cringe. They sit in awkward silence for another long minute. Eventually, Jamie says, "It's going to be so weird, you not living next door anymore."

"I know. It's…" Jude shakes her head. "Terrifying. All of this. I don't know if I can even do this." She looks at Jamie, tears filling her eyes. "What if I can't do this? What if I'm not good enough?"

He does reach across the table to grab her hand this time, looking her in the eye. "Hey. You're the most talented person I've ever met, okay?"

"I'm scared, Jame." Her voice cracks.

"Yeah, well, you should be. Moving to the other side of the ocean is a big freakin deal. But you're going to kill it, Jude. You're going to love it. They're going to love you."

She squeezes his hand, a couple of tears trickling down her cheeks. "Thank you."

He tries to smile, but Jude sees a flash of pain in his eyes, and he pulls away. "Sure, yeah. Congratulations, again."

Jude wipes the tears from her eyes and quietly says, "Jamie, the last thing I ever wanted was to hurt you."

"Don't." he says sharply.

"Okay." she replies quietly. "I'm sorry." She stands up. "I'll go now. I just… I wanted to let you know about London. In person."

"I'm really happy for you, Jude." Jamie says sincerely. "I'm sure it's going to be amazing." He gives her a hug before she leaves, and even though it's awkward and he's a little tense as he puts his arms around her, it's still more than she expected, and more than she deserves.

As she walks out of his house for what's probably the last time, the sun comes out from behind the clouds, and she smiles as the warmth hits her face.

 _I'll make it through_. she thinks to herself.

.

 **End of Part 1**

* * *

 **A/N:** This chapter is short, and it's also the end of part 1, so I'm posting it today. I will not post Friday because of some school stuff and also because I kind of want to put a gap between the two parts of the story. I will post the first chapter of part 2 next Friday (the 15th)


	19. Chapter 19

**Part 2**

Jude pulls one of her earbuds out as she grabs the cup from the counter. "Thanks Kali." She smiles at the barista, who gives her a nod. It's been just over a year that Jude's been in London, and this coffee shop has become part of her daily ritual. Before going in to record, she comes down here to listen to music and get herself into the right mindset. The coffee is great, the people who work here know her, and the owner is vigilant about keeping out the paparazzi.

"Jude?" a voice from behind her asks. She removes her other earbud as she turns and puts on the gracious smile she uses with fans who approach her in public. But when she sees the man standing behind her, the shock makes her drop the mug she's holding. It falls to the floor, shattering, and Tommy leaps back to avoid being splashed by the coffee.

"Shit!" Jude cries. "Sorry!"

"Sorry!" Tommy laughs, surprised. "I didn't mean to startle you. I wasn't even sure it _was_ you." He looks down at the shattered pieces of the cup on the floor. "Here, let me buy you another one."

"Oh, you really don't have to–" Jude starts, but Tommy is already walking up to the bar and smiling at Kali.

"Let me guess," he says, looking back at Jude. "Dry cappuccino, shot of vanilla?"

Kali raises a pierced eyebrow at Jude. "Uh, Jude, should I be concerned that this random bloke knows your coffee order?" She looks back at Tommy. "Stalker?"

"Old friend," Tommy says with a laugh, and the sound makes Jude's insides clench.

"Sorry about the cup, Kali," Jude says.

Kali shrugs. "No worries. Happens a lot."

Jude reaches for her wallet to pay for the coffee, but Tommy shakes his head and hands Kali his credit card. "I got it."

When Tommy looks away to put the card back in his wallet, Kali looks at Jude, eyes wide, and mouths "who the hell?", pointing at Tommy. Jude just shakes her head. She has the sudden impulse to pinch herself, wake herself up from what she's half-convinced is a dream.

Tommy turns to her as Kali goes to make the coffee. He seems at a loss for words, opening and closing his mouth a couple of times before saying, "Red hair."

Jude's hand goes to her hair, which she recently dyed a red-brown. "Yeah, I, uh… I always liked the red. Well, and changing my hair every so often also means I don't get recognized as often in public."

He nods. "It's why I wasn't sure. But then I recognized your voice." He shakes his head. "I thought I was imagining it. I never really expected to run into you."

"No kidding," she breathes, then frowns. "Wait. _You_ were surprised to see _me?_ I live down the street, Tommy. Last I checked, you live across the damn Atlantic."

He laughs a little. "Fair enough."

"Wait, you _do_ still live in Toronto, right?" Tommy nods, and Jude gives him a confused look. "Then what the hell are you doing here?"

He smiles and shakes his head at her aggressive phrasing as Kali places the cup on the counter. He thanks her, then picks up the coffee and hands it to Jude. "I'm here for work."

"For G-Major?" Jude asks as she follows him to a table where his half-finished espresso is sitting.

Tommy nods as he sits. "World Instant Star."

"Are you judging?"

"No, thank God. Producing. Darius wants demos from the finalists in each competition, and I'm overseeing a lot of that. In the last few months I've been to Tokyo, Sydney, and, uh, now London."

"So then Sadie knew you'd be here?" Jude asks, frowning. "She didn't even mention it."

"I guess I'm not surprised." Tommy sighs. "You know, she doesn't talk about you, to me. I've asked her a few times how you were doing, and she'll only say 'fine.' I'm guessing that goes both ways."

Jude looks down at her coffee. "Right. I guess that makes sense." She looks back up at him and tries to ignore the fluttering of her heart when their eyes meet. "How long are you here for?"

"Four days. I got into town yesterday, and I fly back early Friday morning. So I guess three more days, really." His phone chimes and he pulls it out, cursing softly as he looks at the screen. "I'm sorry, I, uh, I really have to get back. I was supposed to be back in the studio 5 minutes ago."

"Oh, yeah sure, of course," she says, surprised.

He drinks the last of his coffee in one swallow, and stands up. "I'm sorry," he says again. "I wish I could stay."

"Don't worry about it. I have to get to work soon anyway. Thanks for the coffee."

"Of course. And hey," he reaches out to grab her hand in both of his, "it was really good seeing you." He says it with an intense sincerity that makes her stomach flip. "Seriously." He lets go of her hand and smiles. "I'm so glad I ran into you. And you… you look good, Jude."

"Yeah, you too." Jude smiles. When Tommy turns, starting to walk away, a voice in her head screams at her that she can't let him go again, so she says "Wait, Tom." He turns around, and she finds herself flustered, stammering. "I, uh, I know you're probably really busy, but, um… Tonight, at 9 PM. There's a little place, a pub in Camden Town, and I'm playing a show with some friends of mine. It's not even really a show exactly, it's really casual, no publicity. We don't even rehearse, but I'll be trying out some new songs… If you're too busy you don't have to, but you can come if you want?"

His face breaks into a smile. "Yeah, absolutely." He looks almost relieved. "I'm supposed to work until 9, but I can rearrange my schedule, maybe come a little late. Text me the address?"

"Sure, but Tommy, if you're busy you don't–"

"Jude," he cuts her off. "I'll be there. Text me the address, and I'll see you tonight." His smile makes her smile too. "I can't wait."


	20. Chapter 20

As the cab pulls up to the pub, Tommy texts Jude to let her know he's arrived. When he walks inside he finds that it's smaller than he expected, and the lighting is low and intimate. He likes the place immediately. A woman is playing guitar on the little stage in the back, singing a duet with a man playing violin, but it isn't Jude. Tommy's about to check his phone again when he sees her walking up. The hair color throws him off again for a second, but when she smiles at him, she's his Jude all over again, and he finds himself smiling too.

"You came!" Jude says when she reaches him. She gives him a quick hug. She smells like peppermint, and the dress she's wearing is one he recognizes. He has to push away a memory of unzipping it, of it falling to the floor in his bedroom.

"Yeah, of course. I wouldn't miss it," he says when he pulls back. "Been a long time since I've seen you perform live." He glances at the stage. "Speaking of, do you need to be backstage or something?"

She shakes her head. "Not much of a backstage here. There's a green room in the back, but I normally sit out here and watch. I told you it was casual. There are a couple sets before mine anyway." As she's saying it, the song finishes, and Jude turns around to applaud, cupping her hands around her mouth and calling "Yeah, Cora, get it!" The woman on the stage points an arm at Jude and winks, which makes Jude laugh. She turns back to Tommy as they start playing again. "That's Corrine and her husband Drew. Their music is a little hipster-folk for my taste, but they're also like, mind-blowingly talented. Corrine plays like seven instruments, and Drew is a genius on that violin. He can seriously play anything from Paganini to Metallica. He once played one of my songs flawlessly after hearing it once, no chart or anything, arranged it himself on the fly." She shakes her head.

"And you're a little jealous?" Tommy teases.

Jude laughs. "Oh, I'm insanely jealous."

"You know them from Bermondsey?"

Jude shakes her head. "They release their music independently. I know them from here, actually. Drew's sister owns the place. But the other people performing tonight are from Bermondsey. We do one of these little shows about once a month, just whoever isn't busy and has stuff they want to try out on a little audience."

"Sounds like fun."

She smiles and nods. "Yeah, it's a blast. Do you want a drink? It's on the house since you're with me."

"Oh. Sure, thanks."

He orders, and Jude introduces him to the bartender, evidently another friend of hers. It's both surreal and sweet to see Jude so in her element, surrounded by so many new friends. She turns back to watch the performers, and Tommy watches her, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. _She seems happy here,_ he thinks. As he thinks it, he hears a man's voice say, "Oi oi, Harrison." He turns to see a tall, black-haired man leaning against the bar and smiling at Jude.

Jude's face breaks into a wide grin as she turns and sees the man. "Mack! You made it!" she cries joyfully, throwing herself into his arms. He hugs her back tightly.

"'Course I did!" The man—Mack—responds as she pulls back. "Wouldn't miss it. You know these shows are my favourite." He bends down and gives Jude a peck on the lips. Tommy feels a surge of jealousy so strong it's like a punch in the stomach, and he tries to force it back. Jude turns back to Tommy, and Mack puts an arm around her shoulders. He watches the way Mack's fingers curl around Jude's upper arm and the gesture strikes him as possessive. He forces a smile as they turn to him.

Jude gestures between the two of them, making introductions. "Tommy, this is Macklin Mackenzie." The name rings a bell in Tommy's mind, but he isn't sure why. "Mack, this is Tom Quincy"

When she says Tommy's name, Mack freezes with his hand partway outstretched and looks back to Jude, eyes wide. "Wait, seriously?" he whispers, and she elbows him in the ribs, frowning and jabbing her head pointedly in Tommy's direction. Mack turns back and smiles again, taking Tommy's outstretched hand and shaking it. "Wow, uh, Tom, hi. Nice to meet you."

Tommy nods, and Jude, whose arm is around Mack's waist, says "Mack's contracted to Bermondsey too. He's lead singer of Qui Vive, and they're going on tour starting Thursday, which is why I didn't think he'd be here." She leans into Mack as she says it, briefly putting a hand on his chest.

It clicks, then. Macklin Mackenzie. Tommy doesn't make a habit of reading tabloids or celebrity gossip sites, but Jude's name has a way of catching his eye. The media has been speculating for months that Jude is dating the lead singer of newly emerging London alt-rock group Qui Vive. As far as he knows, neither has publicly addressed the rumors, either to confirm or deny, but evidently they're true. He clears his throat. "Oh, sure, yeah. I've heard your music," he says, nodding to Mack. When he doesn't offer an opinion, a little crease forms between Jude's eyebrows, so he adds, "You're good. Your kind of sound, it's going big. This success is probably just the beginning."

"High praise coming from the producer extraordinaire." Mack smiles. "This one," he looks down at Jude, pulling her playfully against him, "talks about your musical opinions as if they're gospel."

"What?" Jude pulls away and smacks Mack in the chest with the back of her hand. "I do not!"

"Oh yes you do, love," he laughs. "Do you know how many times I've heard the phrase 'Well, you know, Tommy always said…'" Mack does an imitation of Jude that's so spot on Tommy can't help but smile, even though the sight of the other man's arm around Jude's shoulders is making him feel a little sick. He shouldn't be jealous, he knows. He has no reason or right to be. It's been over a year with no contact, not even a text message. If anything, it would be a surprise if Jude _weren't_ seeing someone. And even if she weren't, the chance is basically zero that they could ever be together again after the way things went down. He'd thought he was over her, or had at least gotten very good at telling himself he was, but now all of the old complicated feelings are rushing back, made worse by the revelation that she still talks about him, quotes him, even to her new boyfriend.

Jude's cheeks are pink, and she hits Mack again. "Shut it, Mackenzie!"

Tommy smirks at her. "Glad to see some of what I said to you stuck, anyway."

"Don't let it go to your head, Quincy," Jude warns.

He's about to retort when Mack turns to Jude and says, "Oh, speaking of music, love, you did want to do the duet tonight, yeah?"

"Oh!" Jude's eyes widen. "I didn't think you were coming, so I didn't plan on it, but that's a good idea. Lise's sick, so we have time to fill." She turns back to Tommy. "Sorry, Tommy, we need to go run this song."

"Sure, yeah, that's fine. I expected you'd be mostly on stage anyway, no worries."

"Okay. I'll come find you after my set. Order's Cor and Drew, then Aaron—he's my bass player—and this guy Danny, then me and Mack, then me, then we're done."

"You know," Mack says, "since we're trying to fill time, you should perform, Tom."

"Me?" Tommy asks, taken aback.

"Sure. Jude's told me you write great music."

Tommy frowns at Jude. "I think Jude has exaggerated. And I don't perform anymore. I haven't in a long time."

Mack shrugs. "Okay, well, that's what these little shows are for, to try out new stuff. It's really low pressure, very casual. Perfect opportunity, mate, come on."

"Mack," Jude warns quietly, shaking her head. Then, to Tommy, "You don't have to, Tommy. Don't worry about it. But if you change your mind, I'd love to hear you sing again, even one song. We do have time to fill. But no pressure, I'm just glad you came." She smiles at him. "I'll see you after, yeah? Let me know if you change your mind. Either way, I really hope you like my new stuff."

"Sure." He smiles. "Can't wait to hear it." She reaches up to give him a hug, and kisses him lightly on the cheek before pulling back and heading away with Mack. His cheek tingles where her lips touched his skin, and he takes a deep breath and a large swallow of his drink, trying to ignore the sensation and the feelings that come with it.

.

As soon as they're are out of earshot of Tommy, Mack turns to Jude and says "Okay, what the hell?"

"What?" Jude asks innocently as they reach the stage where Corrine and Drew have finished and Aaron and Danny are setting up. Jude moves to talk to Corrine, but Mack tugs on her hand, pulling her through the doorway and into the hall that leads to the green room. "Hey!" she protests.

"Tom Quincy? Here in London? Here at the show?"

Jude sighs. "Mack…"

 _"The_ Tom Quincy. Ex-boyfriend, ex… secret lover, mistress, whatever. Man who ruined your life? That Tom Quincy?"

"He didn't ruin my life." Jude snaps. "What happened was my fault."

"Right, okay, man you ruined your life over, then. Point stands. He's here and you didn't even think to mention it to me? I thought we were _friends_ , Jude!"

"I didn't say anything because I didn't know!" she protests. "Seriously, I had no idea he was coming."

He crosses his arms over his chest. "He just happened to be here? He just _showed up_ to a random pub in London on a night you're performing?"

"No," she sighs. "Earlier today. I was getting coffee, I turned around, and he was just… there." She runs a hand through her hair. "Shocked the hell out of me. He's in London for work, and I… he was about to leave, and I didn't think, I just invited him, and now he's here, and it's…" She shakes her head. "I don't know."

"You just _ran into him?"_ Mack asks, still incredulous. "Hell of a coincidence." He smirks. "Or maybe it's kismet."

"Don't." Jude says sharply. "Don't even joke."

"Sorry." He puts a hand on her shoulder. "Are you okay? This has to be a lot, him being here."

"I'm fine, it's no big deal," she lies, but Mack sees through it, raising an eyebrow, and she sighs. "Yeah, yeah, okay. It's… weird. Really weird. I haven't even talked to him in over a year and now he's here and… I thought I was over it, but now I don't know if I am."

"Over _him_ you mean?"

"No." She crosses her arms. "Past what happened, what I did to Jamie."

"What you did to Jamie because you were in love with this guy."

"Mack!" Jude protests.

"What? You're not over him, love. You never were. I've been telling you you need to get back out there for months now, but you won't even consider it. I set you up with that hot bass player boy and you completely iced him out."

"First of all, _that_ was not a blind date, it was an ambush, and second, so what if I'm not ready to date after pretty much all my relationships have ended in disaster?"

"I'm not even talking about a relationship, darling, I'm talking about a single date, a hookup, anything. You shut down the second someone so much as flirts with you. Maybe part of it's because of Jamie, but _I_ think it's because you're hung up on Little Tommy Q out there."

"Stop!" Jude cries, putting her hands out. "Seriously, do not even joke about that. Tommy and me, it's a disaster waiting to happen. Every time I've let myself…" She shakes her head. "Someone always gets hurt. It's not healthy. So it doesn't matter what I felt or feel or… It doesn't matter. It will never happen. And besides, there's literally an ocean between us."

"So you're just going to, what? Let him go? Back to no contact? You invited him here for a reason."

"I don't know!" she protests, putting her hands up to her head. The truth is, over all of the other feelings and fears that have come rushing back since running into Tommy today, she's realized that she still misses him like crazy. Not the way things were, not the secrets and the drama, not even the sex, just… him. Spending time with him, talking to him, being his friend. Going back to no contact is the very last thing she wants. "Mack, can we please just drop it and rehearse?" she sighs. "I don't want to talk about Tommy. Please, I can't deal with this right now."

"Alright, Jude, okay. I'm sorry." He reaches out and gives her shoulder a squeeze, and they head into the green room. But as they're about to run their song, he says, "You know, I never got it before, but now I think I do."

Jude frowns. "Got what?"

"The appeal. I was always secretly like, really? Tommy Q from Boyz Attack? But I get it now. He's aged _really_ well. Boybander looks good." He grins at her. "I'm just saying I get it."

She rolls her eyes. "Shut up and play, Mack."

* * *

 **A/N:** Has it only been a week? This week has seriously felt like a month. I am currently in a very intense and draining relationship with organic chemistry. Anyway, this chapter and the next are longer than the past few have been. As always, your thoughts are appreciated.


	21. Chapter 21

"So how do you know Jude?" the bartender, Bobbi, asks Tommy as she pours him another drink during the set change before Jude and Mack perform.

"Uh… From G Major, her label in Toronto. I was her producer."

"I see," she says, sliding the glass to him. "And you two were…"

Tommy raises his eyebrows. "Friends."

She seems skeptical, but doesn't push it. "Well, she's a great talent, that one."

He smiles. "Yeah, she really is."

Bobbi raises an eyebrow. "Friends?" she asks, laughter in her voice.

 _Jesus,_ he thinks. _Is it really that obvious?_ He just frowns, taking a drink and turning back to the stage where Jude, Mack, and three guys he knows must be Jude's back-up band are getting ready to perform. He worries suddenly that the duet will be a love song. He's not sure he wants to watch that, not sure he's ready to handle watching Jude sing an emotional duet with her boyfriend, but as Jude steps up to the microphone, she puts on a large pair of round, purple-tinted glasses.

"I like that look for you." Mack says into the microphone, and Jude grins and poses with her chin on her hand as the audience, including Tommy, laughs. "Anyway," Mack says to the audience, "I'm Macklin Mackenzie, this force of nature is Jude Harrison, and this is _Boogie Love_." He smiles at Jude and cues the drummer.

The song is energetic and fun, almost silly. Tommy can't deny that Jude and Mack have awesome onstage chemistry. More than that, though, he can tell Mack makes her happy. Her big smile isn't her acting, it's genuine. As she sings, Mack makes faces at her, making her laugh in the middle of a verse, and Tommy can tell it isn't rehearsed. A memory comes to him from a lifetime ago, Jude in the studio singing while standing on her head, laughing and crying "stop it!" as he tickled her feet. It's been a long time since he's seen Jude this happy and carefree, and not just because he hasn't seen her in a year. When they were together it was all either flirting, innuendos that were oftentimes over-the-top in order to cover real feelings, or it was guilt about Jamie and Lorena. He's never really made her happy. Not like this. His chest aches at the thought, but he tries to just enjoy the show and not think about it.

When the song finishes, Mack grabs a drink of water and Jude says, into the mic, "Thank you very much to my one true love, Macklin Mackenzie, who's going on tour this week! Don't know what I'm gonna do without you, Kenz." The small audience applauds again, some people laughing, others letting out "aww"s as Jude and Mack hug. Tommy looks away, taking another drink.

Mack leaves the stage, and Jude does a couple of songs with her band. As usual, Jude is magic when she performs. Both of the songs, "The Music" and "Higher Ground", have lyrics that tell a story of moving on and finding herself again, and it makes him smile. He knows the fallout from their affair was worse for her than it was for him, and she deserves to be happy, to be in a place where she can spread her wings surrounded by people who love her.

As her third song is starting, Tommy hears a voice from next to him say, "She's incredible, right?"

He turns to see Mack standing there, smiling at Jude. "Yeah," Tommy agrees. "Always has been."

Mack looks at him. "She said you taught her everything she knows."

Tommy laughs, surprised. "Did she?"

"And she'd kill me for telling you that," Mack adds with a grin. "Oops."

Tommy shakes his head. "Well anyway, no, I didn't. About producing, maybe, but she's a natural musician, and a better lyricist than I ever have been." He turns back to the stage, watching Jude.

When the song is finished, Mack turns to Tommy and says, "Well, I'm heading home. There's a lot I have to do before tour. But it was good to finally meet you, Tom. Jude's told me… a lot about you."

He reaches out a hand, and Tommy shakes it. He thinks of the way Mack reacted when Jude said his name, and says, "When you say a lot…"

Mack nods. "She told me what happened with the two of you. I think I'm the only one she told, but yeah."

Tommy purses his lips. "It was complicated."

"Hey, no judgement." Mack shrugs. "And you know, she doesn't blame you."

Tommy sighs and shakes his head. "She should." He's not sure why he's even letting this conversation continue. But in spite of everything, he likes Mack, who clearly cares about Jude. "Can I ask you something?" he asks, and Mack nods. "Is she…" he looks over at Jude, who's moving a mic in front of the keyboard, then back to Mack. "Is she happy?"

Mack smiles. "Yeah, I think so. It took her a while to get there, but now she's doing really well, I think. Making great music, good friends… So yes, I'd say she's happy, yeah."

Tommy nods slowly, then smiles. "That's good. I'm really glad. Anyway," he reaches out to shake Mack's hand again, "it was nice to meet you. And have a great tour. Your first?"

"Yep," he answers with a grin as he puts on his coat. "Any advice?"

The phrase _the first rule of the road_ pops into Tommy's head, and he frowns. He fights the urge to say _don't you dare hurt her,_ because it's not his place, and anyway, he's one to talk. Instead he says, "I guess… tour is crazy. The lifestyle, the hours, meeting tons of people… It's a lot of fun, and a lot of work, but mostly it's… if you let it, it can be kind of all-consuming. Don't let it make you forget that you have people at home, you know? There's life outside the tour bus, and when you forget that you make a lot of stupid decisions."

Mack frowns and tilts his head, looking confused, but when he opens his mouth to respond, Jude speaks into the mic again, saying, "Give it up for my awesome band!"

As the crowd applauds, Mack says, "Alright, thanks. I'll remember that. See you 'round, Tom," and walks out.

Tommy turns back to the stage, where Jude is sitting down behind the keyboard and the band is leaving the stage. She looks more serious now, and she takes a deep breath before she speaks again. "This last song I wasn't really planning to do tonight. It's something I wrote a long time ago, before I came to London, and, um… I've never been able to show it to anyone before now. But I've been thinking of it, uh, today, and… yeah. This is 'Gravity'." She takes another deep breath and starts to play.

 _Something always brings me back to you  
It never takes too long  
No matter what I say or do  
I'll still feel you here  
'til the moment I'm gone_

The song is slow and clearly intensely personal. The audience quiets, and Jude's voice fills the room, clear and strong and beautiful. He almost feels like he's being drawn forward, like he's being pulled towards the stage by some invisible force.

 _You hold me without touch  
You keep me without chains  
I never wanted anything so much  
Than to drown in your love  
And not feel your rain_

 _Set me free, leave me be  
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity  
Here I am and I stand so tall  
Just the way I'm supposed to be  
But you're on to me and all over me_

Her eyes find him in the crowd as he walks toward her. She looks sad, and her expression is familiar. It's the same look she got when they were together and something would remind her of Jamie, the same as when she said "I can't keep doing this." Her gaze flickers away again, back to the music in front of her.

 _You loved me 'cause I'm fragile  
When I thought that I was strong  
But you touch me for a little while  
And all my fragile strength is gone_

A memory hits him like a freight train. Jude on her 19th birthday, more than a tinge of desperation in her voice, breathing, "I'm not strong enough to stay away from you." It's been a long time since he's felt this guilt so strongly, a heavy weight in the pit of his stomach. He gets another glimpse of how hard it was on her, being with him, how it turned her into someone she's not. And it was all his fault.

 _I live here on my knees  
As I try to make you see that you're  
Everything I think I need  
Here on the ground  
But you're neither friend nor foe  
Though I can't seem to let you go  
The one thing that I still know  
Is that you're keeping me down_

 _You're on to me  
On to me  
And all over_

 _Something always brings me back to you  
It never takes too long_

She looks back at him as she sings the last line, and she holds his gaze as the last note fades. When it does, she looks down for a moment. Then she takes her hands off the keys and smiles out at the audience as people start to applaud, and he can breathe again.

Before he can talk himself out of it, he walks up onto the stage. Jude looks at him in surprise, raising her eyebrows questioningly and pointing to the keyboard. He nods, and her face breaks into a smile. "So we're going to have one more song tonight, from my good friend and former producer, the one and only Little Tommy Q." She winks at him and he makes a show of rolling his eyes and shaking his head at her, which makes her laugh as the dwindling audience applauds.

He takes her place at the keyboard, adjusting the mic for his height and saying, "So, hey, the name's Tom Quincy, don't you _ever_ call me Little Tommy Q." He shoots Jude, who's sitting at a table in front of the stage, a faux-stern look. "Harrison." He says her name in a low voice, and a few people laugh, including Jude. He smiles. "And this song is 'New Ceremony.'" It's one of many songs he wrote about Jude and never showed her, the one inspired by her comment to him on a day they got together while Lorena was out of town.

 _Shine a little light,  
Don't wrestle with the night,  
Don't think about the future.  
I know it's gotta stop, love, but I don't know how._

He looks at her as he sings it, the words bringing back that feeling of so desperately trying to block out the reality when they were together, to just forget that she wasn't his, that it was wrong, and just be with her. _Don't think about the future._

 _My little one, my kettle drum  
(I know I had a message at the start)  
My babel tongue, my come undone  
(I know I had a message at the start)  
My prison kiss, my dying wish_

 _I know I had a message at the start_

 _But it up and abandoned us,  
_ _While we were sleeping in our beds_

He puts that desperation into his singing, and his voice very nearly breaks on "my come undone." Jude looks like she's going to cry.

 _I know it's gotta stop, love, but I don't know how._

There's a moment after the song ends and before anyone applauds. His eyes are locked on Jude's and everything just hangs there, frozen, for what seems an impossibly long time. He thinks of whispering "choose me now," and then the moment shatters again.

People clap, and Jude discreetly wipes a few tears from her cheeks as she comes quickly up on stage, smiling and speaking into one of the other microphones. "Well that's a wrap on this one, guys. Thank you so much to Tommy, and to everyone who performed tonight, and to Bobbi for having us. And an extra special thank you to all of you who came and listened. You guys make these concerts super fun to do. Have an awesome night." She blows a kiss to the crowd and then they both leave the stage amidst scattered applause.

She turns to him and says, "drink?" and he shrugs and follows her to the bar. Jude doesn't say anything, just holds up two fingers to Bobbi, who nods and pours two shots of a mixture he can't identify. Jude drinks one of them, then holds the other one out to him. He hesitates, raising an eyebrow at her. She snorts and says, "Live a little, Quincy."

He's already feeling a little unsteady from the other drinks combined with the jet lag, but he takes the shot from her and says "cheers" before tossing the drink back. It's both sweet and hot, tasting like cinnamon and something else he can't place. When Jude flags the bartender down again, he says, "No, no."

"For me," she laughs as Bobbi pours one more shot. Jude smiles and says, "Thanks Bob'." before downing it.

"You have a ritual here," Tommy laughs as Jude takes a drink from the water bottle in her hand.

"Yeah." She nods. "I have a few of them, I guess. Maybe that's how you know when somewhere's becoming home." Tommy just says "hmm" and they both sit down at the bar. "That song was… wow," she says after a minute. "When did you write it?"

"Thanks. And uh… I guess about a year and a half ago. A little less. It would've been late November-ish. Before you came back to G Major for the single. Yours?"

She doesn't have to ask which he means. "Started it when you were in New Brunswick." She sighs. "Came back to it just before my birthday."

"Well, it was incredible. It all was, your music. You tore the roof off, girl."

"Thank you," she says with a smile. He finds himself wanting to reach out and touch her cheek, brush the hair out of her face, put a hand on the side of her neck. His fingers ache to feel her skin, and he's close to reaching out when a guy comes up behind Jude and puts a hand on her shoulder. She introduces him as her guitarist, then calls across the room to the two other members of her back-up band. Tommy knows the shot was a mistake when their names slip from his brain as soon as Jude says them.

When it's just him and Jude again, talking about music, he's finding it increasingly impossible to concentrate. His thoughts are slippery, jet lag and alcohol and exhaustion hitting him hard. As she talks, all he can focus on is her lips, on how amazing it would feel to kiss her. _Dangerous,_ he thinks.

He didn't expect this. He knew he still cared for her, would always care for her, but he didn't expect that even after more than a year all of his feelings for her would come rushing back at full force. And now he's drunk, and she's beautiful and brilliant and _taken_. He can still read her, open book that she is, especially because she's more than a little tipsy, so he knows by the look in her eyes that she's feeling the same things he is, at least to some extent.

 _You touch me for a little while, and all my fragile strength is gone._

It's dangerous. They're dangerous together. She has a boyfriend she loves, someone who makes her happy, and there are no words for how monumentally selfish it would be for him to try anything that would risk that. Again. So he won't act on these thoughts, can never act on them.

But God, she's so beautiful, and her laugh makes something inside his chest resonate like a violin string. He's not even thinking of sex. It's not about that. He just wants to reach out and touch her face, kiss her soft and sweet and slow. He wants to wake up every morning to the sight of her bedhead and whisper in her ear that he loves her, will always love her. He can't even be thinking these things. It's all so wrong, but the walls inside him are down temporarily and he can't stop the flood.

Eventually he says, "I'm going to have to call it, girl, I'm…" He waves a hand in front of his face, unable to find a word.

"What?" Jude teases, "Never pegged you for a lightweight, Quincy."

"Hey!" he protests. "I am not a lightweight, excuse me. It's… I've been up since 6 AM on four hours of sleep, okay? Normally I could drink you under the table, Harrison, don't test me."

"I'm kidding," she laughs, "chill. But you really have to go?"

"Yeah," he sighs. "I'm sorry. I have an early morning session."

"Okay, yeah, of course." She nods, but she sounds disappointed. "I was hoping we could… I don't know, catch up, I guess, for a little longer. Do you, uh… lunch, tomorrow?"

He hesitates, considering blowing off his work to spend time with her, but eventually he says, "No, I'm sorry, tomorrow's crazy. But Thursday I was… um, I was planning fly out, but it moved to Friday morning so I'm done in the afternoon. We could get…" He hesitates on the word "dinner" which for some reason sounds so much more like a date than lunch does.

"Mack leaves for tour and I'm seeing him off, but after that, yes, absolutely. I'll text you?"

"Yeah." He smiles as relief floods him. He's going to get to see her again.

Outside, as his cab pulls up, Jude says, "Thank you for coming, Tommy."

"Yeah, 'course. It was amazing." The alcohol and all the thoughts in his head that he can never say have weakened his verbal filter, and he adds, "Seeing you again has been more than amazing."

It was too far. He shouldn't have let it slip, but she just smiles. "Same." She hesitates for a moment, then leans forward to wrap her arms around his waist. She leans her cheek against his shoulder, her face turned in towards his neck. "Goodnight."

He hugs her back tightly, whispering, "God, I've missed you," so quietly he's not sure she hears. He half-hopes she doesn't. When it's been too long, they pull apart. He can't stop himself from reaching out to touch her cheek, trailing his fingers lightly along her jaw as he says, "Goodnight, Jude."

* * *

 **A/N:** "Boogie Love" is a song by Alexz Johnson, "Gravity" is by Sara Bareilles, and "New Ceremony" (which was the song in chapter 3) is by Dry The River. Sometimes I wonder if I rely a little too heavily on the characters singing their feelings, which is easy to do in IS fic, but "Gravity" in particular felt like it fit, and I couldn't resist.


	22. Chapter 22

"So you're having dinner with him?" Mack asks as he searches through the drawers of his bedside table.

"We said a late lunch, technically." Jude sighs. She's laying on Mack's bed and staring at the ceiling.

"'Late lunch'?" he laughs as he puts his phone charger into his backpack. "At almost 5 PM? Darling we have a word for that, and it's 'dinner.'"

"Yeah, I know, but I think saying dinner just sounds too…"

"Like a date?" he finishes. "Is this a date?"

"No," Jude insists, turning her face to glare at him.

"But you wish it was." Mack crosses his arms, raising an eyebrow at her.

"I wish a lot of things," she mutters, looking back at the ceiling.

"Oh ho!" he exclaims, sitting down on the bed and looking at her. "Now _that_ sounded like an admission."

"Fine, Mack," she snaps, sitting up. "You want me to admit I still have feelings for him? I still have feelings for him. But I've been down that road, and it only leads to pain and disaster for everyone involved, so any _stupid_ feelings can just fuck right off!" She flops back onto the bed and throws an arm over her face.

"Jude," he says gently. "Jude, love, look at me."

"No," she huffs.

He lays down on his side next to her, his head propped up on his elbow. "Jude," he says her name again, quietly, poking her in the arm. When she just makes a "hmph" noise, he starts to softly sing, _"Hey, Jude, don't make it bad."_

She makes a noise of protest and grabs his pillow from over her head. She hits him with it, but she's smiling. He laughs and takes the pillow from her, and she says, "You know, one of these days, I am going to murder you over that damn song."

"Just embrace it. Your name is Jude Harrison, darling, you'll never escape it." They both sit up and he asks, "Are you okay?"

She sighs. "I don't know. The other night there was… this moment, I don't know. I was a little drunk, we were both…"

"You kissed him?" Mack's eyebrows shoot up, intrigued.

"No." She shakes her head and looks down. "I said goodnight, we hugged, he… he touched my face. That's all it was. It was like two seconds, just…" She puts her fingers up to her cheek and whispers, "But it was like, everything just… I stopped breathing, I… I don't know." She looks back up at Mack, helplessly. "And it's stupid and it's dangerous and I can't get him out of my head." She groans. "I had _finally_ gotten him out of my head."

"Had you?" he asks, skeptically. When she frowns at him, he says, "Jude, it's not as bad as all that. You're being very dramatic. So you have feelings for him, so what? I know it ended badly—more than badly—last time, but things are different now."

"I can't go there again. You didn't know me then, Mack. You don't understand. I did things I swore I'd never do, I hurt people I loved, I turned into someone I'm not. I can't go down that road again." Her voice cracks as her eyes fill with tears.

"So don't." Mack shrugs.

"It's not that simple," Jude insists.

"No, it's even simpler. Before, you were 18, and you were with someone else, and you were working with him. Now it's been two years, you're single, and you live on different continents. Not only do you have the choice to not go there again, 'that road' doesn't even exist."

"I miss him," she admits quietly. "I don't want to lose him again, I don't want to go back to no contact."

"So don't," he laughs. "Text him, love, call him. Keep in touch. You can be his friend. He lives thousands of miles away, I don't think you need to be afraid that there's gonna be some kind of nuclear explosion the second you start talking to him again." Jude starts to protest, and he puts up a hand. "I understand why it scares you, but literally nothing about this is like the last time."

"Fine, then." She crosses her arms. "What do you suggest I do, oh wise one?"

Mack smiles. "Have dinner with him. Talk about your lives, about music, about the weather, it doesn't matter. You don't have to worry about repressing the feelings, just set them aside. You haven't seen each other in over a year, you don't live in the same place anymore, and you didn't exactly end things on the best of terms, right? So just relax. Catch up. Let it happen. And then when he leaves again, stay in touch. Text each other sometimes, maybe skype. Try to… be friends. You can be his friend, Jude. That's a real thing people really do. Maybe some day it'll be something more, maybe not." He shrugs. "Or, alternatively, bring him back to your place, let him fuck your brains out, hope that gets it out of your system." Jude grabs the pillow again and hits him with it, making him laugh. "Oi! Kidding!"

"You're a jackass," she says, then smiles. "But you're also the best." She leans over to give him a hug. "I'm really gonna miss you while you're on tour, Mack."

"I'll miss you too." He pulls back. "You're gonna be okay, love. It's just dinner with an ex, not the end of the world. You've been through worse. Just relax and let it happen."

.

Despite her best efforts to remain cool, when Jude sees Tommy, her stomach flips. She stands up from the table with a smile and they hug. When he kisses her cheek, her breath catches. She manages to recover quickly enough, sitting back down and smiling as he sits across from her. "Hey, I'm sorry about the whole… private dining room thing, I know it feels kind of awkward." _Intimate,_ she thinks. "But it's gotten to the point where I get recognized and interrupted so many times that it's kind of necessary."

"Yeah, no, don't worry, I get it. Believe me, Boyz Attack fans were insane. At least they don't have to close down whole restaurants for you yet. It's good though, it's a sign of success. It's the big show." He smiles at her. "I'm really proud of you, Harrison."

Her heart squeezes, and she hears Mack's voice saying _Just relax._ She smiles. "Thanks. It's been really great."

"You like London?"

"Yeah, I do. I love the city. The music scene here is _amazing_. And Bermondsey has been really good to me. I have a lot more control over my own music than I did at G Major, I think. I'm my own producer, which is awesome. It's really…" she trails off as a waiter comes up to take their order.

When the waiter leaves, Tommy asks "So career-wise it's good?" She nods and he asks, "And you're happy?"

Jude smiles. "Yeah, I am. It's been good. I, uh…" her smile falls and she admits "Okay, it was hard at first. Like, really hard. I kind of… lost everyone, you know? After what happened." Her voice is quiet.

"Jude, I–" he starts to apologize, but she cuts him off.

"It's okay, Tommy, it was my fault. It was a decision we both made, and I deserved the consequences, it's okay. But I did lose everyone. Even Sadie. She tried to be supportive, but I lied to her for months, and after our dad…"

"You know that I never wanted–"

"I know." She nods, cutting him off again. "It's okay. But I, uh, I came to London, and it was good. It was. To get away and to… move on, I guess." She smiles wryly and mutters "Not to live next door and look at his bedroom window every night and remember what I did to him." Tommy doesn't say anything this time, just nods, looking sad. Jude takes a deep breath and continues. "But then I was suddenly in this big new city, a new country, a new label, living on my own, and I was all by myself. I didn't even really feel like I had anyone to talk to back in Toronto. So it was just hard, you know? I didn't talk to anyone at Bermondsey. I was writing a lot but I couldn't bring myself to show the music to anyone. Even if I had, they were all sad, lonely, self-pitying songs." She shakes her head. "I couldn't work. I'd just sit in the booth and try to sing and nothing would come out. Nicola was furious. I could've lost my contract if I'd kept it up."

"What changed?" he asks, trying to remind himself that it's okay, that she's happy, that he didn't ruin her life, even if he came close.

Jude smiles. "Mack."

The waiter brings their drinks then, and it gives Tommy an excuse not to look at Jude, to hide his instinctive grimace, the jealous pang. When the waiter leaves, they're silent for a minute until Tommy prompts her, "So, uh, Mack?"

"Oh. Yeah." She nods. "From the first time I met him, I just…" She seems to search for a word, then grins at Tommy. "I fucking hated him."

Tommy lets out a surprised laugh, raising his eyebrows. "Come again?"

"He was _so annoying,_ " Jude laughs. "He thought I was some kind of stuck-up diva, and I guess I probably did come off that way." She sighs. "New artist with a newly platinum album, joins a label and immediately shuts herself inside the studio, refuses to talk to anyone, refuses invitations to go out, but then fails to produce any actual music… I'd have hated me too, honestly. Most people just avoided me, maybe talked shit about me behind my back, but Mack is… very confrontational? I guess? I think he decided I needed to be humbled or something, so he'd just, like, harass me every chance he got. He was on his best behavior the other night, but believe me, Mack can be _really_ freaking annoying when he wants to be. I'd walk down the hall and hear that 'Oi oi, Harrison' and it just…" she clenches and unclenches her fists near her face. "God, I wanted to strangle him. Once, he started whistling that _goddamn song_ when I walked by, and then as soon as he could tell I hated it, he'd sing it whenever he saw me."

"Which song is this?" Tommy asks, confused.

She looks at him, raising one eyebrow slightly. "Guess."

He frowns for a second, but then slowly smiles. "Not 'Hey Jude'."

"Hey. Fucking. Jude." she confirms.

Tommy laughs loudly. "Oh, I'd pay to see that."

"Every time he saw me."

"And the guy is still breathing?" he teases.

Jude shrugs. "I snapped at him a couple of times, gave him a lot of death glares, but mostly I just quietly fantasized about poisoning his coffee." Her smile fades. "I pretty much didn't want to even talk to anyone, much less deal with actual confrontation, so I just tried to ignore it." She looks down at the table, picking at the roll on her plate. "Not my usual style, maybe, but I'd kind of lost myself, I guess."

He tries not to remember again that that pain was his fault. "And somehow his… harassing you, it helped you find that again?" he asks, tilting his head in confusion.

"No." She looks back up at him, and her expression is a little less sad. "But there was this one day, almost two months after I moved here. I'd just been totally chewed out by Nicola, and I was getting really scared that I'd lose my contract. I was sitting in the dark studio and playing the guitar and singing something I'd written. I'm not even sure what it was. I was… crying. I guess Mack heard me singing and came in to listen. I didn't even see him there until the song was finished, and he said 'so you do sing.' I told him to fuck off, but he just sat down next to me and asked me what was wrong. His concern seemed really genuine, so I just told him. Like… everything. I guess I'd really been needing to talk to someone about it for a long time and it just all sort of came pouring out, you know?"

Tommy gives a "hmm," but doesn't say anything else.

"Mack just listened, and didn't judge me, and then when I was finished he told me that I had the chance to move forward in a new place, and that I should just jump in with both feet already. And he said that if I stopped sharing my music with the world it would be a tragedy." She smiles. "He forced me right there to record what I'd been playing. He knew basically nothing about the equipment, but he made me set up and teach him enough so he could help me record it. It wasn't useable, and the song wasn't even good, but I guess finally recording and singing for someone, it just kind of broke down that barrier I'd put up. Then he took me out, got me _very_ drunk, and managed to convince all our colleagues that I was not actually a bitch who thought I was better than everyone else. It was good. I started recording again, I released a single that did really well and managed to convince my bosses that they hadn't made a mistake. I even, uh, I've actually started talking to Jamie again. It's never going to be like it was before, obviously, but I think we're okay now. I think he forgave me, at least as much as he can, which is probably more than I deserved. I owe Mack for a lot of that. I'm not sure I'd have made it in London without him."

Tommy just nods, and they're silent for a while before he asks quietly, "He makes you happy?"

Jude shrugs. "I mean, yeah, sure. He's the best. Still super annoying, honestly." She laughs. "But I owe him enough I can occasionally deal with that stupid song."

"He's a lucky guy, Jude," Tommy says solemnly.

She looks confused, tilting her head and frowning. "He's…" Her eyes widen. "Oh, Tommy, wait… You've been reading the tabloids?"

"Uh… I guess your name sometimes gets my attention, but I don't–"

She cuts him off. "Okay, Macklin and I are _so_ _not_ a couple."

"Wait, what?" He shakes his head. "I don't understand."

"We're just friends," Jude laughs. "Tommy, Mack is gay."

Memories revise themselves in Tommy's head. The chasteness of the kiss he'd given her, Jude's joking tone as she called him her 'one true love', Mack's confused look as Tommy subtly tried to warn him that he needed to stay faithful to Jude while he was on tour. "He's… wow, okay, now I feel like an idiot."

"No, it's okay. The tabloid thing is because… it's not a secret, exactly, that Mack's gay. I mean, he's out to family and friends, but he hasn't taken the step to make a big announcement to the press yet, you know? He says he doesn't want to take the focus away from the music, but he also comes from a pretty religious family and I think he has a hard time believing fans would really accept it if they knew. That's why we haven't addressed the rumors. Plus, the publicity has been really good for Qui Vive. But no, God no, there's nothing going on between us. Totally 100% platonic."

"I guess I just assumed." Tommy shrugs awkwardly. "Sorry, I shouldn't have."

"Don't worry about it." Jude waves her hand dismissively. "It didn't even occur to me that you'd have heard those rumors." Her eyes widen suddenly. "Wait, he kissed me when he first came in, didn't he?"

"He, uh… yeah."

"And I called him the love of my life or something on stage?"

"'One true love' yeah."

"Oh God," she laughs. "Okay, I can totally see how you'd think… But that's just Mack, and the one true love thing is a joke. I'm sorry, I guess I should've clarified when I introduced you."

"It's fine." He feels a little like the world has just tilted sideways. He's spent the last two days constantly trying to remind himself that Jude is happier with someone else now, trying to remember the way she smiled at Mack, the way he made her laugh. But now… "So you're, um…" he hesitates, "You're not… seeing anyone?" His voice is tight, too high, and he fights the urge to openly cringe at his own awkwardness.

"No." She shakes her head. "After… the way things ended, I think I just needed to be alone for a while, you know?" She bites her lip, then asks, "You?"

He shakes his head. "I've never been good at relationships. You know that better than most." It's why it doesn't matter that she's single, he tells himself. He's not good for her, they're dangerous together. And anyway, it's not as if there isn't an ocean between them in addition to everything else.

"Tommy…" she sighs, sympathetic. "Look, what happened wasn't your fault."

"I should've been honest from the start," he says quietly. "I was a coward, Jude. You were right about that."

"Maybe, but so was I." She looks down at her plate, mumbling, "If either of us had just been honest or brave enough, then maybe things might have been different." She shakes her head and looks back up at him. "But it's in the past." She smiles a little. "And we're here now."

He gives a small smile too, and nods. "And we're here now."

* * *

 **A/N:** Shoutout to my friend Chloe, for whom I made a small but significant addition to this chapter. I love you more than bread.


	23. Chapter 23

Of all the things Jude remembered about Tommy, something she apparently forgot was how much she likes just hanging out with him, talking to him. She's missed this since long before she left Toronto. It hasn't really clicked before now, that her affair with Tommy ruined more than their relationships with the other people they were dating, it ruined them too. The things that made her love Tommy in the first place got buried under guilt or fear that they'd be found out. It was intense and passionate, but it was also so fraught with anxiety and guilt that everything else was pushed away. She'd forgotten that they were also _friends_ , that he got her on a level other people didn't. She'd still catch glimpses of that connection in a smile he'd give her, or when they'd talk about music, but as soon as the feelings came back too strong she'd bury them again. In a way, she lost him the second she tried to convince herself that sex with him could ever be "just" anything. They managed to cheapen the truest love she's ever had, maybe will ever have again. The regret burns in her and she tries to extinguish it again. _Just let it happen. We're here now._

When there's a lull in the conversation and they've been sitting there in front of their empty plates for too long, they pay— _split bill, not a date,_ Jude recites to herself. They walk out of the restaurant and then both pause, awkward. They'd planned to go their separate ways, but neither of them wants this to end. Tommy's the first to speak, saying, "So I guess this is g–"

Jude cuts him off. "I want to hear more of your music."

He stops. Blinks. "Uh…"

She's embarrassed. "Sorry. I didn't mean to just blurt that out like that. If you need to go, you totally can, I just… You said you've been writing music, and I was wondering if I could hear it."

He raises his eyebrows, looks around them at the street. "Right now?"

"I, uh, I have a rehearsal space, a little sort of studio thing, I just thought maybe you could play something, and I could play something, or…" She shakes her head and corrects herself quickly. "But you're flying out tomorrow, and you probably need to go, so forget about it, I didn't think, sor–"

"Jude," he cuts her off, smiling. "I would love to, okay?"

.

They stop at his hotel so he can grab his notebook, and then at her apartment to grab her keys. She blushes furiously as he follows her into her living room, trying not to think of Macklin saying "bring him back to your place, let him fuck your brains out." She grabs her keys and then her latest song journal, and when she comes back out, Tommy is looking around the room, looking amused.

"What?" she asks defensively.

Tommy looks surprised. "Nothing."

Jude looks around the messy room, at her CDs in hopeless disarray, unwashed coffee mugs scattered around, and crosses her arms, frowning at him. "So I'm not a neat freak like you. Whatever. It's small, and it's messy, but I–"

He cuts her off, shaking his head. "No, Jude, it's _yours._ That's what I was thinking." He laughs a little, looking around the room again. "It's very you, girl. And I love that, okay? I just…" he shrugs, "I missed you, that's all."

"Oh." She smiles, a little sheepishly. "Well, I missed you too."

.

"Voila," Jude says as Tommy follows her through the door to her studio space. "It's a lot smaller than what I had in Toronto, obviously, but it's in a nicer neighborhood, thank God."

Tommy raises his eyebrows and lets out a long whistle as he looks at the recording equipment. "This is some nice equipment, Harrison. Yours?"

She nods, then shrugs a little self-consciously. "It's how I spent my signing bonus and my first advance from the single."

"Damn," he says, impressed. "I knew you were doing well, but, wow." He sees her shift uncomfortably and he smiles. "You deserve it, Jude. From the little I've heard of your newer stuff, the album's gonna blow 'em away."

She smiles too, then says, "Hey, speaking of blowing people away…" Tommy raises his eyebrows, and Jude grimaces. "That came out wrong." He gives a little laugh and she says, "Seriously, I want to hear your music."

He hesitates. He readily agreed to this as an excuse to spend more time with Jude, but the truth is that so much of the music he's written in the last year and a half is about her, and he's suddenly very worried about making things awkward. He's afraid to get too real, alone with her in this small studio space. "You first?"

"No way!" she laughs. "No fair, you've heard four of my songs, I've only heard one of yours."

"You always wrote more than I did anyway," he argues.

"Tommy, you promised." She practically pouts as she says it.

He almost argues that the word 'promise' certainly never entered into it, but her eyes are pleading and he's never been able to say no to that look, so he sighs heavily. "Fine. What do you want to hear?" She snatches the notebook from his hands and he protests. "Hey!"

"What's the best one?" she asks, thumbing through the pages.

"Hell if I know," he says, trying to grab the book back from her, but she's too quick, spinning away from him and holding it out of his reach.

"Fine then, the most recent one." She flips through more pages.

"Barely finished!" he protests.

"Even better!" she argues, finding the last page with writing on it. "First drafts are raw." She skims the lyrics for a second. "No, this is good stuff. Play this one." He sighs again and she grins at him as she holds his notebook out to him "Still think you missed me?"

He rolls his eyes as he takes the book back from her. "You know I did." She laughs and warmth floods him again at the sound of it. He sets the notebook down on a music stand sitting in front of the couch, then points at one of Jude's acoustic guitars, looking questioningly at her.

She nods. "Go for it. Should be in tune, but it's been raining so I don't know."

He picks up the guitar and sits, testing the strings as Jude sits beside him. When he's satisfied that it's tuned, he hesitates again. "Jude, you should know… a lot of the stuff I've been writing, at least partly it's, well…" He looks over, inclining his head towards her.

Jude understands, nodding. "Half the songs on my album are at least partly about you," she says quietly, looking away. "I get it. You and me… It was a big deal. Big life impact, complicated emotional stuff… I think I'll be sorting through pieces of it for a long time. It's a lot of lyric material." She looks back at him and smiles. "Don't worry. It's not weird." She gestures to the open notebook. "When did you write this one?"

"Uh… yesterday, actually. Yesterday and this morning."

Jude's look of surprise only lasts a second before she says, "Well, play already."

He takes a deep breath, strumming a few random chords, then starts to play.

 _And it starts  
Sometime around midnight  
Or at least that's when  
You lose yourself  
For a minute or two_

 _As you stand  
Under the barlights  
And the band plays a song  
About forgetting yourself for a while  
And the piano's this melancholy soundtrack  
To her smile  
And that white dress she's wearing  
You haven't seen her  
For a while_

The song's not the story of the other night, not exactly, but he knows Jude will recognize some of the details, and probably most of the emotions too.

 _But you know  
That she's watching  
She's laughing, she's turning  
She's holding her tonic like a crux  
The room suddenly spinning  
She walks up and asks how you are  
So you can smell her perfume  
You can see her lying naked in your arms_

 _And so there's a change  
In your emotions  
And all of these memories come rushing  
Like feral waves to your mind  
Of the curl of your bodies  
Like two perfect circles entwined  
And you feel hopeless, and homeless  
And lost in the haze  
Of the wine_

Jude's skin prickles, remembering the way everything came rushing back at seeing Tommy the other night, the way they sat close at the bar and her mind kept flashing back to memories of his lips, his hands on her skin. The drinks and the closeness of him had been a heady combination. They're actually sitting a lot closer now, and she tries not to think about it.

 _And she leaves  
With someone you don't know  
But she makes sure you saw her  
She looks right at you and bolts  
As she walks out the door  
Your blood boiling  
Your stomach in ropes  
And when your friends say what is it  
You look like you've seen a ghost_

Though, as far as he knew, she'd left alone, the stanza stemmed from images of Jude laughing with Mack, of his arm around her, and of the sinking, sickening knowledge that Mack probably made Jude happier than Tommy ever could. A knowledge, it now occurs to him, that was based on false information. He tries not to think about it, especially with Jude looking over his shoulder, so close he can almost feel the warmth of her.

 _Then you walk  
Under the streetlights  
And you're too drunk to notice  
That everyone is staring at you  
You just don't care what you look like  
The world is falling  
Around you_

 _You just have to see her  
You just have to see her  
You just have to see her  
You know that she'll break you  
In two_

When the sound of the guitar dies, they sit in silence for a minute, until Jude breaks it by laughing softly. He looks at her and raises an eyebrow. She explains quickly, "No, it's just… You said you finished it this morning, and I was expecting something half-finished that I'd like, have advice on, but this is… Wow." She laughs again and shakes her head. "I forgot, before the other night."

"Forgot what?" he asks, confused.

"I don't know, your lyrics have a way of… hitting me. Or something. I guess, I don't know." She shakes her head and shrugs, embarrassed.

"No, I get it. I feel the same about yours," he says seriously.

"Maybe we just know each other too well," Jude says sardonically. "We worked and wrote together for too long. You can read between my lines."

"I miss writing with you," Tommy admits quietly. "More than pretty much anything else, since you left, I miss that. Working on music… It was always when we were at our best."

"Well, you know, the… what was it?" She turns to him, but he just raises an eyebrow, with no idea what she's talking about. She waves her hand. "My 17th birthday, before we wrote Liar Liar, you said something in French, and I asked if it meant 'let's write a song'. The loo return to jour the something something"

"Oh, God, stop." Tommy cringes at hearing her butcher his mother tongue. "Don't try to speak French." He laughs. "But yeah, it's something my mémère used to say. _Le loup retourne toujours au bois._ I'm surprised you remembered that."

 _I remember every conversation we had about your past,_ she thinks, but doesn't say. "What does it actually mean? Not 'let's write a song'."

He shakes his head. "'The wolf always returns to the woods'."

"Hmm." She thinks for a moment, then says, "So like a 'here we go again' kind of a thing."

He shrugs. "I guess."

"Hmm," she says again, then stands up abruptly and grabs a sharpie off the piano's music stand, scrawling something on her hand before capping the marker and sitting back down next to him.

"What was that?" he asks, and when she just shrugs, he reaches over to grab her arm, pulling her hand towards him. "'where we've never been'," he reads, then looks at her questioningly.

"Just a rhyme." She shrugs again. "To 'here we go again.' It's nothing."

"Here we go again, where we've never been," he murmurs, then, "back to where we've never been." He looks up at her and grins. "It's not nothing, it's a lyric."

She returns the grin. "Well, you know, le loo return to–"

"Shh!" He cuts her off. "Don't even try, girl."

"Hey! I haven't taken French since junior high!" she objects, laughing.

He makes a face. "It shows."

He laughs as she hits him on the shoulder with his notebook, and in that moment it's like old times.

 _Back to where we've never been,_ he thinks.

.

They spend the next couple of hours writing a new song together, though they both try and avoid acknowledging the implications behind the words "here we go again." It would be ridiculous even to entertain the notion of starting up some kind of romance again after everything that happened, and when they live on different continents. So they both manage to ignore the undercurrent of old feelings and the tension they bring. They call up an old skill, refined over years when Jude was too young, of just enjoying each other's company while ignoring the mutual desire for something more.

Jude convinces Tommy to record a couple of his songs, and he feels a swell of pride watching Jude's intense focus on the laptop screen as she adjusts the tracks, the way she's mastered techniques he started teaching her years ago. It's dark out by the time they finish.

They talk about music and about London, about Kwest's surprising job at NBR, and about Sadie's climbing of the G Major corporate ladder to head of publicity for the whole label. Jude tells Tommy how Jamie started texting her again out of the blue, and how when she finally got up the courage to ask him what was going on, he told her he'd realized that if he wanted to move on in his relationship with Zeppelin the way he wanted to, he needed to truly forgive Jude. "Jamie is just… good," she says with a sigh. "He's always been so good. Too good for me."

Tommy refrains from arguing with her, though he shoots her a look that makes it clear he disagrees. He then tells her about how he ran into Lorena when she won an award form a board Darius is on. "It was fine," he says. "She was civil. Nice, even. She introduced me to her boyfriend, and that part was weird. But she seemed happy, which is good. She deserves that."

They switch back to lighter topics for a while, then Jude plays another song, and when Tommy looks down at his watch again it's after one in the morning. "Damn, it's getting really late," he sighs. "I have to be at the airport in like four hours and I have stuff to pack." He looks over at her apologetically. "I'm gonna have to call it a night, girl."

"You can sleep on the plane," Jude teases, but she puts the guitar away and stands up.

"You know I'd love to stay," he says, standing up.

"It's okay, go be responsible." She smiles.

He smiles too. "I'll walk you home?"

It's only a few blocks back to Jude's apartment, and they both walk slowly, neither wanting this to end, although they know it's past time. Jude slips her arm into his, walking pressed into his side. She gives a little shiver before she does it, but although it's true that the night air is chilly, she really just wants an excuse to touch him before she can't anymore.

"I still can't quite believe I ran into you," Tommy says as they walk.

Jude laughs. "I was half-expecting that at some point you'd admit you found out where I'd be and followed me there."

"Nope." He shakes his head. "I genuinely had no idea."

"Hell of a coincidence. You being in London, in my favorite coffee shop."

"I will admit that London wasn't entirely a coincidence," he says.

"Oh?" Jude raises her eyebrows.

Tommy shrugs. "D offered me choices of which cities I wanted and which would go to other producers. I chose London, and yeah, in the back of my mind… I thought of you. As for the rest of it, I guess we just have similar taste in coffee shops."

"Well, I'm glad we do." Jude smiles, squeezing his arm.

When they get to her building, she pulls her arm out of his, but she's still talking to him as she walks to the elevator, so he follows her up. They pause outside her door. After a moment he says, "I guess this is good night."

"I guess." Her expression is serious. "Hey, but, uh… I just, I've been meaning to say… you need to know that the last time we saw each other in Toronto, the stuff I said, I didn't mean it."

He shakes his head. "No, you were right. Everything you said was justified. That whole thing… the timing was awful, and it wasn't fair of me to do it like that." He sighs and quietly adds, "I meant it. All of it. But I get why you said what you did."

"I loved you too," she says quietly, her voice barely above a whisper. The "-ed" on "loved" is present, but faint. Their eyes meet and her stomach flips at _her_ look in his eyes.

"It's… in the past," he says finally. He's not sure whether it's intended more as a reassurance to her, or a warning to himself.

"And we're here now." She nods.

"I'm so happy for you, Jude. The fact that your label's giving you the resources you deserve, the fact that your album is amazing–"

"My album is barely half-finished," she protests.

He smiles. "And amazing. I'm just… I'm proud of you. Moving to a new country, a new label, by yourself… That's huge. Not everyone could've done it. I'm just happy that you're happy. You got your fresh start, and you absolutely deserve it."

She steps forward to wrap her arms around his neck and says, "Thank you, Tommy." He hugs her back tightly.

They pull back after a moment, but their eyes meet when they're just a few inches apart, and Jude feels that all-too-familiar jolt of electricity, her gaze flickering down to his lips before his mouth finds hers. His hands on her back press her closer to him as heat explodes through her. It only takes her a few seconds to remember herself and pull back, but those seconds are enough to leave her knees weak and her skin tingling. She opens her eyes in time to see him exhale hard, lips parted and eyes still closed, and she almost pulls him back in the half second it takes for him to open his eyes and pull away further. He breathes, "Sorry."

She can't quite form words yet, so she just nods.

"I should go," he says quietly, pulling back fully.

"Yeah." She laughs a little, breathlessly, leaning back against her door.

"Uh… good night," he says, flushed and flustered. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay," she assures him before he turns away. When he's at the stairs, she says, "Tommy," and he turns back. "Call me, yeah?" she says. "Stay in touch?"

His smile is wide. "Yeah."

* * *

 **A/N:** More of my inability to resist having characters sing their feelings! Tommy's song is "Sometime Around Midnight" by The Airborne Toxic Event. "Here We Go Again" is, of course, from Instant Star.


	24. Chapter 24

"Macklin," Jude groans as he leads her through the maze that is the backstage of the concert venue. "This is ridiculous. Where are we going?"

"I told you, it's a birthday present. Shut up and be grateful."

"My birthday's not until tomorrow, and you _know_ I hate surprises."

Mack rolls his eyes. "No one _hates_ surprises. People say that, but they don't mean it. And anyway, you'll like this one."

"I want to go home and go to bed, Mack," she complains, turning to look at him as they turn the corner into the green room. "The post-concert high only lasts for so long before the post-concert crash, you know?"

"I can leave, if you want," a familiar voice says, sounding amused.

She whips around to look. The image of Tommy leaning against the wall is so surreal she freezes, unable to make it compute. Mack snickers from next to her.

Tommy smirks at her expression. "Hey, Harrison."

"You're kidding me!" she cries, trance broken. She practically hurls herself into his arms, giving him a crushing hug. He hugs her back tightly. She pulls back after it's been too long, and exclaims, "What are you doing here?"

He shrugs. "I had a couple days off, your birthday's tomorrow, thought I'd surprise you."

Jude turns back to Mack. "You knew about this!" she accuses.

Mack nods, still grinning. "Guilty."

"You know I hate surprises!" Jude protests, looking between Mack and Tommy.

Mack rolls his eyes. "Somehow I figured you'd like this one."

Tommy teases, "Like I said, I can go if–"

"Shut up," Jude cuts him off. She wraps her arms around him again, burying her face in his neck.

He laughs and hugs her back again. "Happy birthday, girl," he murmurs next to her ear. The somehow still familiar scent of him, and the feeling of finally being in his arms again makes her feel giddy. She holds him tighter and breathes him in.

"Oi!" Mack cries after a moment. "Should I leave you two alone?"

Jude pulls back from Tommy, reaches down to pull her flip-flop off, and throws it at Mack, narrowly missing his head.

"Joke's on you, this is mine now," he says, picking up the shoe.

"They'll look awful on you," Jude quips, "but here, take them." She tosses the other shoe at him. She turns back to Tommy, who's rolling his eyes at them and asks "How long are you here for?" She knows she should probably take a step back, but her fingers itch to touch him, like she needs to reassure herself that he's really there. She reaches out, tugging gently on the lapels of his leather jacket.

"Just for the weekend."

"You should've warned me!" Jude cries. "There's so much I want to show you! There are so many people you should meet! Wait, did you see the show?" her words come out in a rush and Tommy smiles.

"I saw. You were amazing."

"Saw the show thanks to me," Mack adds, and Jude turns to him. "I talked to Nicola, and practically begged her so she'd let him backstage. I thought it was a nice birthday gift for my best girl. But how does she repay me? By chucking her shoes at my head." He feigns hurt, putting a hand over his heart.

"You're a real martyr." Jude rolls her eyes, but walks over to Mack, standing on her toes to kiss him on the cheek and saying, "Thank you, Mack."

He smiles. "Any time, love."

Jude grabs her shoes and slips them on, turning back to Tommy and grinning. "Let's go! I have so much I want to show you!"

He raises an eyebrow at her. "What happened to the post-concert crash?"

"Are you kidding? I'm wired!" She smiles wider as Tommy laughs and then she turns to Mack. "You coming?"

"Nope." He shakes his head. "I'm meeting David."

Jude gasps. "Oh, that's right!" Macklin, who gave a very well-received coming out speech a few months ago at one of the concerts on the Qui Vive tour, has finally been able to date without the anxiety of the previous secrecy. "This is, what, date three?"

"Four."

"Getting serious!" she exclaims. "I expect details later."

Macklin looks over at Tommy, then back at Jude, and smirks. "Same." Jude's eyes widen and she smacks him in the stomach with the back of her hand. He lets out an "Oi!" in protest, shoving her shoulder. Jude shoves him in retaliation, though she can practically sense Tommy rolling his eyes at them. Before they can get into a full-fledged slap fight, Mack grabs Jude by the shoulders and turns her around, pushing her towards Tommy. "Take her before she hurts somebody!" he cries, laughing.

Tommy, who is indeed rolling his eyes, laughs too, his expression softening as he looks at Jude and says, "Glad to."

Jude turns back to Mack, pointing at him and saying, "You are the worst."

"I am the best, please."

Jude rolls her eyes. "I'll see you tomorrow."

Mack smiles and nods. "Tomorrow."

As Jude and Tommy are leaving the room, Mack calls, "Harrison," and Jude turns around. Mack pantomimes "call me" and mouths "details!", raising his eyebrows suggestively.

Jude mouths "fuck you" and flips him off before turning and catching up to Tommy, Mack's laughter following them down the hallway.

.

Jude worries at first that being alone with Tommy will be awkward. After all, they haven't seen each other in six months. They stayed in touch when he left London, as they promised to do. From the airport Tommy texted her, "send me those recordings from yesterday some time?" and it provided just the excuse she might have otherwise lacked to start and maintain a conversation. They talk all the time now, at least one full conversation every couple of days, which is more than she communicates with anyone in Toronto save maybe Sadie. He's even let her hear more of his music, sending recordings back and forth to collaborate on.

Maybe it's because of the regular texting and the phone and skype calls, but Jude needn't have worried. They fall back into companionable conversation easily.

"You know, I meant it when I said you were amazing tonight," Tommy says as they walk along the river.

Jude smiles. "Thanks. That means a lot."

"Have they started talking about a tour?"

She sighs. "A little, but it's really gonna depend on how the album does."

"Then there's gonna be a huge tour," he says with a smile. When she shoots him a skeptical look he says, "I'm serious. Have you read the reviews?"

She shakes her head. "Not really. I'm trying to keep myself in a positivity bubble until I'm out of immediate publicity mode, you know?"

"Then you should go ahead and read them. I honestly haven't seen anything less than glowing praise."

"Seriously?" Jude stops walking and looks at him in surprise.

"Seriously," he assures her. "Jude, the album is amazing, and people see that. It's been out for barely more than a day and it's already huge. It's going to stay huge. Honestly, girl, unless a bunch of other artists drop something absolutely insane in the next year, you're gonna get a Grammy nomination for this."

"Don't," she scolds him.

"I'm not joking, Harrison. I'm dead serious."

"Come on," she says dismissively, rolling her eyes.

"Jude," Tommy says seriously, his tone making her look back at him and meet his eyes. "In all of the years we worked together, with all of the great music we released, did I ever once bring up the Grammys as a possibility?"

"No," she admits.

"I promise you, I do not say it lightly. Girl, this album… It's really, honestly brilliant. Everyone's talking about the 'new era of Jude Harrison.' People can hear the way you've… found yourself, you know? Musically and personally. I mean it when I say _Higher Ground_ could be your masterpiece." He raises an eyebrow. "Are you telling me you aren't proud of it?"

"I'm… I guess I'm afraid to get cocky."

Tommy sighs. "Jude, do you love this album?"

She takes a deep breath, then nods, "You know I love it."

"Then get cocky," he laughs. "I give you permission."

"Oh, well you know how I've always valued getting your _permission_ , Tom," Jude says sarcastically, but she's smiling. She looks out over the water, leaning against the wall. "If there is a world tour," she says after a moment, "I'll probably go to Toronto." she glances over at him with a grin "You might even score a ticket."

"Pretty sure being the guy who taught you everything you know entitles me at least to a backstage pass, Harrison."

Jude has a vision of walking offstage and into Tommy's arms, him picking her up and kissing her. It hits her out of nowhere, and with such intensity that her breath catches for a second. She recovers before he notices, saying, "Maybe you'll even get an autograph."

Tommy rolls his eyes. "You know, when I said 'get cocky'…"

Jude laughs loudly. "Careful what you wish for, Quincy."

Tommy shakes his head with a smile and Jude looks back out over the river, at the lights of the city reflected on the water. After a moment, Tommy softly says, "Beautiful." Jude turns to him, and her heart squeezes a little when she sees that he's looking at her. He quickly gestures across the water, saying, "The city."

She smiles. "I know. I love it here. In London, I mean."

Tommy nods. "I always did too. This was the first overseas stop on the first Boyz Attack world tour. At the time I thought about maybe moving here some day."

At his words, Jude feels a surge of something that may be excitement, or maybe fear, at the idea of living in the same city as him again. All she says is "hmm" and they fall into their first uncomfortable silence of the night.

Tommy looks at her like he wants to say something else, his brow creased in the familiar way that led Spied to give him the nickname "Lord Squinty Frown". Eventually he seems to decide against saying whatever he was thinking. He relaxes, leaning against the wall next to Jude and saying "So, what's your favorite song on the album?"

"My album?" she asks. "God, I don't know."

"Come on, Harrison. I know you. You have a favorite."

She thinks for a moment, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly. Finally she nods and answers. "'The Music', if I had to pick." She shrugs. "I guess because it was the first song I wrote after I started to feel like I belonged here, and like I was really going to make it."

"It's a great song." He nods, then asks, "Do you know what the consensus of the reviews seems to be?"

"About what song is best?" she asks, and he nods. "No, what song?"

"'Clean.' Almost every review I've seen has singled that one out to compliment. I think it was The Guardian that called it 'the indisputable crown jewel' of the album."

Jude raises her eyebrows in surprise, then says, "Hmm. I guess I owe Mack, then." Tommy gives her a questioning look, and she clarifies. "I almost cut that song last minute. Mack is the one who convinced me not to."

"You almost cut it?" Tommy asks, looking shocked. "Seriously? Why?"

"I don't know," Jude sighs. "I guess it had stopped feeling…" _honest_ is the word she almost says. She wrote the song a few months before Tommy's reappearance in her life, but singing the lyrics _I think I'm finally clean_ with the memory of that kiss ever-present in her mind sometimes feels a little like deceit. In half a year, the kiss has never come up, but Jude still thinks about it often enough. Mack, who knows her too damn well at this point, figured out the reason for her hesitation regarding the song, and has taken to teasing her by saying "what, need a hit?" when he sees Tommy call or text. She finally shakes her head and says, "I don't know. Isn't it always the artist's prerogative to have a little bit of a freakout and second guess everything at the last minute?"

"Fair enough." Tommy smiles. "But it's good you kept it. It's a beautiful song, and a great closer. It brings the whole theme full-circle. The idea of moving on." He frowns slightly, just for a second, a flicker of sadness passing through his expression. His face clears quickly and he smiles. "Anyway, I know I've already said this, but seriously, this album… Every time I've listened to it there's something else I notice and love."

The praise is unusually effusive for Tommy, and Jude feels her cheeks flush. "'Every time'?" she quotes, surprised. "How many times have you listened to it?"

Tommy shrugs. "Five, I think? Six? Maybe more, I don't know."

"It came out yesterday!"

"Long flight." He shrugs again. "It's actually kind of strange, hearing your music and knowing I had nothing to do with making it. Before, even while I was gone for the last album, I knew your reasoning behind every decision, you know? Now I kind of have to guess."

"It was weird making a whole album without you," Jude admits. "But wait, you know you don't have to guess, right? You _can_ ask me about the album, Quincy, I'm right here."

"I guess that's true. Do you… want to listen together?" Tommy asks, raising his eyebrows.

Jude thinks of the last time they got together to listen to an album of hers, but quickly pushes the thought away. She smiles. "I'd love that."

.

The post-concert crash finally hits Jude as they listen to the album together on her couch. As the music plays, her responses get sleepier and sleepier, and she goes gradually from sitting next to Tommy, to leaning her head on his shoulder, to laying her head in his lap. As "Clean" plays, Tommy realizes she's fallen asleep. As the Jude in the recording sings " _By morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean"_ Tommy gently strokes Jude's hair and thinks for the thousandth time that, no matter what he does or how he tries to fight it, he's going to love this girl for the rest of his life.

After the music ends, he carefully takes a pillow from the couch and slips it under Jude's head, managing to get up without waking her. He grabs a blanket off Jude's bed and drapes it over her. She looks peaceful, and he's tempted to stay for a while and just watch her sleep, but decides that it would be too weird, so he just tucks the blanket around her shoulders and bends down to press a gentle kiss to her temple, whispering, "Happy birthday, girl," before leaving the apartment.

* * *

 **A/N:** The song is "Clean" by Taylor Swift, and I think the phrase "indisputable crown jewel" might be from an actual review of _1989,_ but I'm not sure. I read like 10 of them when I wrote a different (longer/more boring) version of this chapter. (Shoutout to my friend Silke (aka LivedALie), the catalyst for my very heightened level of Taylor Swift awareness!) "The Music" is from Instant Star season 4, as is the title track "Higher Ground"


	25. Chapter 25

"There you are!" Jude's voice comes from behind Tommy, and he turns to see her coming out of the pub to stand beside him. Her cheeks are flushed and her hair has come loose, hanging in wild waves around her face and sticking a little to the sweat on her forehead. "I looked up and you were gone." Her words slur slightly and she takes another drink from the cup in her hand.

Jude's birthday party is a relatively small affair, maybe 20 people, just her friends and some of her other coworkers at Bobbi's pub. Tommy loves seeing Jude like this, happy and comfortable and bubbling over with excited energy. Though she hasn't mentioned it, he knows the attention and the pressure around the new album have her stressed, and he suspects that's the reason she turned down her label's offer of a bigger and fancier, but much more public, birthday party. She visibly relaxed as soon as she walked into the pub and saw all of her friends. Her smile is contagious. "Sorry," he says to Jude now. "Just needed some air."

Truthfully, it had all gotten to be a little too much, with Jude so animated and energetic and beautiful, and getting more intoxicated by the minute. She pressed herself against him as they danced to music loud enough to drown out any thoughts except the feeling of her body through the fabric of her dress under his hands. He needed fresh air and a minute to collect himself, to clear his head of the barrage of old feelings she brings out in him without fail.

Jude nods, closing her eyes and tilting her face up as a slight breeze blows towards them. "It's a nice night," she murmurs. She turns to him suddenly and frowns. "You're not drinking," she accuses.

He raises his eyebrows. "I had a couple."

"You're not drunk." She steps closer to him, close enough for him to smell the alcohol on her breath.

"You're right," he admits.

"Why?" she asks, looking genuinely surprised.

He looks at her for a moment, her flushed cheeks, her slightly unfocused eyes, and tries to gauge how clearly she'll remember this in the morning. Finally he says "Maybe I have a hard enough time keeping a clear head when I'm around you."

She takes a step closer to him, so she's right in front of him. He can feel her breath on his face, see every one of her long, dark eyelashes. "Then don't," she whispers.

His heart is pounding double time in his chest. He lifts a hand and places it on the side of her face. To close the distance, to finally kiss her after months of thinking about it, would be the easiest thing in the world. Instead, he leans in and presses a kiss to her cheek, murmuring, "Go back inside, girl." He pulls back, dropping his hand, and smiles at her as nonchalantly as he can. "It's your party. People are probably wondering where you are."

She looks a little dazed, but she nods, turning and pulling the door open again. "Are you coming?" she asks, turning back to look at him.

He smiles. "Yeah. In a minute." She goes back inside, letting the door close behind her, and he sighs heavily and leans back against the wall of the building, shutting his eyes and trying to concentrate on the feeling of the cool breeze on his face and not on the thought of Jude's mouth on his.

.

Jude is laughing as she unlocks the door to her apartment and she and Tommy walk in. "I played the _entire_ set like that. I had no idea the stupid thing was there." she says, shaking her head.

"Jesus Christ," Tommy laughs.

"I am never wearing fake eyelashes ever again. Seriously, I'm lucky it was a pretty small gig and it wasn't being filmed or something. It would've been all over: Jude Harrison's Mustache! or some stupid shit like that."

Tommy laughs so hard he lets out a snort, and Jude hits him on the shoulder with the back of her hand. "No, no, I'm just…" he says when he manages to catch his breath "I'm sorry, I'm picturing you with a fake mustache." Jude rolls her eyes. "Like one of those curly ones," he says as they walk to her couch.

"Hey, I could pull that off," Jude jokes. "I could make it work."

He laughs loudly again as they sit down. "I'd pay to see that."

"You know what I'd pay to see? How much would it take for you to grow one?" she jokes.

"No way," he laughs, shaking his head.

"Come on, what would it take?" She bumps him with her shoulder. "There has to be something you want, Quincy, name it."

At this, his laughter dies, the anxiety that's been haunting him all weekend creeping back up. He sighs.

Jude doesn't seem to notice. "You could grow a little goatee."

"Hey," Tommy says softly. "Can we be serious for a second?"

"I am serious!" she jokes, laughing. "Does hair gel work to style mustaches or would you have to buy special mustache gel?"

"Jude," he says, more firmly. "Seriously, this is important. I have something I need to tell you, and I can't put it off anymore."

Jude's laughter stops and she raises her eyebrows. "God, Quincy. The way you said that makes it sound like you found out you've got six months to live or something." He just sighs, looking down at his hands, and Jude's eyes widen. "Oh my god," she says, sounding shocked. "Oh my god, Tommy, wha–"

He looks back up at her, surprised, cutting her off. "No, no. God no. Nothing like that." Jude relaxes with a sigh and he says "Sorry, no, it's… it's good news, actually. Really good news." Despite his words, he has a worried frown on his face, and he's fidgeting with his rings.

When he doesn't say anything else for a long moment, Jude raises her eyebrows. "If it's that you've mastered telepathy, then I have some bad news for you…"

He sighs again and finally speaks. "The songs of mine that I've recorded, the ones you helped me on, I showed them to Kwest a few months ago."

"Hey, good for you!" Jude exclaims, knowing how hard it still is for Tommy to share his music with people since the stuff with _Frozen_ went south.

"He, uh… Without telling me, he sent the demo to some contacts of his… in A&R. My G Major contract is up in a little less than two months…" Tommy looks back at her. "I've got offers, Jude. As an artist. Solo record deal offers."

Jude's eyes widen. "You're kidding me. No way! Tommy, that's amazing!" she cries, then says, "Wait, you said 'offers', plural?"

He nods. "Three."

 _"Three_?! Oh my God, Tommy, that's incredible! People would kill for that! I told you your music is amazing! Where from?"

"Well, the most recent one is from G Major. D found out about the other two and made me an offer."

"So you're staying at G Major?" she asks. "Staying with Darius?"

He shakes his head. "No. I thought about it, but I turned him down. I think… I don't know. I've pretty much been working for Darius since I was a kid, and I owe him a lot. I mean, in a lot of ways I owe him everything. But after all the shit that's gone down… I guess I'm just ready to get out of G Major. It's not personal, it's just that I think it's time to move on, you know?"

Jude nods. "Yeah, I totally get it. That's how I felt when I left. Where else, then?"

"One is New East, in New York City."

"New York!" she exclaims. "That's awesome!" When he doesn't say the name of the third label, just continues looking at his hands, she frowns. "Am I missing something? What's the third?"

"The other offer is from…" He takes a deep breath and looks up at her. "From Derek at Bermondsey Records."

Her eyebrows shoot up. "My label," she breathes. Her heart feels like it stops for a second. When she can breathe again she tries to recover, to be cool about this revelation. "Uh… wow, that's…" She clears her throat. "Do you know which you're going to pick? Which is a better offer?"

"Both labels are great, and the contracts are good. Actually very good, for a first solo album especially. There are little differences between them, pros and cons for each, but, uh… there's one other huge factor." He gives her a look that makes her heart jump into her throat.

"Oh?" she asks, and it comes out more than a little choked. "What's that?"

He looks away from her and seems suddenly even more nervous, wringing his hands. "I, uh… I don't really know how to say this, but in the past I've been a coward so many times when it comes to you, and I'd like to think I've learned my lesson by now, so…" he looks at her, and his earnest, vulnerable look twists her heart. "Jude, you know the deciding factor is you." Her heart skips another beat, and he continues, "Being friends again has been amazing. It's so much more than I expected, more than I deserved, and I understand why you'd say no to this but Jude, I… I have feelings for you." He gives a short laugh. "Again. Still. Always, I…" He takes a deep breath and says his next words pointedly. "If I move to London, I want to be with you. Not as friends, not anything casual, I want the real thing. Jude, I am in love with you."

She can't speak. Her pulse is pounding in her ears and it feels like there's a hand gripping her throat. There are too many feelings coursing through her, a horrible mixture of elation and fear and grief and guilt. Her eyes are locked on his, which are wide and vulnerable, almost pleading, and so blue she can't breathe.

Tommy gives another nervous laugh when the silence has gone on for far too long. "Please say something."

Tears rush into her eyes. "Tommy, I… I'm sorry, I…"

She sees his face fall, sees his heart break. "Oh," he says softly.

"I just… After last time, after…" She's crying now, the tears falling freely, and a little sob forces its way from her throat. "I'm so sorry."

"No," he says, shaking his head and trying to smile. "Jude, it's okay. I get it."

"I… Tommy I care about you, I…"

"It's okay." He nods, trying to reassure her, though she can see him swallow hard, that his hands are shaking.

"It's just that everything is finally okay again, and I can't… Jamie and I are finally okay, my career is good, I'm finally happy, and I just can't…"

"It's okay," he says again, sounding a little more like he means it, though there's still a pain in his eyes that breaks her heart. "Seriously, Jude, I get it. I understand. It's alright."

"I care about you," Jude sobs. "Tommy, I… I have feelings for you too, I do, but I just–"

"Jude." he cuts her off, saying her name gently, but firmly. "I understand. You don't have to explain. I have had a hundred chances to get it right with you, and I've messed up every one."

"Tommy, no, please don't say that. This isn't your fault, it's just that I–"

"It's okay," he says again. "I get it. We're not meant to be. We had our moment and now it's passed. That's life. I just… I needed to be honest with you if moving to London was a possibility, but I knew it was a long shot. If it's not meant to be, that's okay."

"I just–"

"You don't have to explain, girl," he says again, gently. "It's okay."

She lets out another little sob. "Tommy…" she says his name softly.

"Nothing has to change between us." She can tell he's putting all of his effort into sounding upbeat. "I'll go to New York, we'll still talk. Maybe you'll visit on tour, yeah? I can get that autograph?" He smiles at her, but the pain still in his eyes makes her cry harder. His smile falters. "Hey, please don't cry, alright? This isn't goodbye. We can be friends, Jude. It's gonna be fine."

"I don't want to hurt you, I just can't…"

"No, I'm fine," Tommy insists. "Girl, I'm okay. Promise. New York City's an amazing place, it's a great offer, I'm okay. I'm good. What we have now is good. We're going to be fine. It's no big deal. It's probably for the best." He stands up from her couch. "It's, uh, it's getting kind of late, and I have some, um, some stuff to do, you know, packing and stuff, so I'm gonna head out." He forces his smile brighter. "It was great seeing you, Jude. I'm sure we'll be in the same city again soon. We'll hang out, it'll be good." He reaches out to grab her hand, squeezing it. "And happy birthday, girl. 21's gonna be your best year yet, I'm sure." He bends down slightly, pulling her hand up to his lips and kissing her fingers gently before dropping her hand. He takes a few steps backwards. "Hey, call me, yeah? Stay in touch? Promise?"

Jude doesn't know what else to do, so she takes a deep breath to calm her crying and nods. "Okay," she says softly, wiping her tears.

"I'll talk to you later, then," he says, as brightly as he can, before he turns and walks out.

* * *

 **A/N:** Please don't hate me.


	26. Chapter 26

Jude feels like she's practically wearing a path in her carpet, but she can't seem to stop pacing. Intermittently she forces herself to sit, but every time she stops moving she feels an almost panicked sob try to force its way from her chest. Her thoughts are a jumble she can't make sense of. She _can't_ be with Tommy, she can't. Not after everything that happened, everything that has happened every time they've tried to be together. They're more than dangerous together, they're poison. All they do is hurt each other, pulling everyone around them down with them. Right?

So why can't she stop feeling like something's ripped her heart out?

"Pull yourself together, Jude," she mutters to herself.

She calls Mack, and gets his voicemail, so she tries again. After the third time, she gives up. Mack had a date earlier in the evening, and she guesses that he's probably busy. She fights back the irrational anger, the feeling that her friend has abandoned her when her life is totally falling apart, but hot tears burn at the backs of her eyes anyway. She tries to imagine what he would say, but she can't conjure his voice in her head, just pictures the pain in Tommy's eyes again. She can't shake the feeling that she may have just made the biggest mistake of her life.

She just wants something to stop the jumble of emotions, to calm the swirling storm inside her brain and the pain in her chest. No one else in London knows about what happened with Tommy, and she doesn't have the energy to go through it all again. She wants to call Sadie, but the memory of her sister's shock and anger when she found out about the cheating stops her from dialing.

She makes the mistake, then, of opening a bottle of vodka and drinking directly from it, hoping that, if nothing else, the alcohol will stop the panicked feeling. Instead, she ends up a crying mess on her kitchen floor, the thoughts in her head more jumbled and blurred than ever. She's aware this is completely pathetic, that she's freaking out. Some small, sane, part of her brain is judging her from deep inside, begging her to pull it together. She hasn't been this much of a mess since the New Year's after everything with Jamie went down, even in the worst of her desperate loneliness when she first got to London.

She calls Mack again, leaving him a teary voicemail telling him to please call her back whenever he gets the message, and then she lays on the floor and lets herself cry until the tears stop coming and her breathing slows.

She doesn't know exactly how long she lays there, but when she sits up and looks at the clock it's almost two in the morning. The panic is gone, but the confusion isn't. Images swim in her head of Tommy's smile, the way he looked at her in the church, his voice in her headphones always pushing her to be better than she ever thought she could be. They clash with the memory of Jamie's face when he found out what she'd done, of walking in on Tommy and her sister kissing, of him making her promise that the kiss on her 16th birthday never happened.

She's tried to tell herself she was over him, even gone months believing it, but now, with the inescapable clarity of 2 AM, she knows that will never happen. She loves him, has never stopped loving him, not since that day at the lake when she was much too young. Part of her, the reckless, impulsive part she's spent the last year repressing, wants suddenly to run to his hotel, to throw open his door and cry that he's all she's ever wanted.

But how many people would that hurt? They could run away together, live in a cabin in the mountains or a house on a cliff overlooking the ocean, away from cameras and publicity and the real world, just them and the music and the love that's the strongest thing she's ever felt, but no matter how tightly they tried to seal themselves in a perfect bubble, how long could that last? How long before they fell apart and it tore them to pieces again? When has loving him ever been enough on its own?

Even if they could, even if by some miracle they've both changed enough, matured enough, to make a real relationship work long-term, how can she ever deserve that? How can they ever deserve to be happy after what they did to Jamie? To Lorena?

Before she can think it through, she grabs her phone and dials.

"Jude?" Jamie's voice answers. "Hey, what's up? Isn't it super late there?"

"Yeah, uh… a little after 2 AM," she says quietly.

There's a pause before Jamie, sounding concerned, asks, "Is everything okay?"

"Um… I'm not… I don't know. I don't really know why I called."

Another long pause. "Okay… Jude, did something happen? You sound… off."

"It's Tommy," she says softly, tears springing to her eyes.

"What? You have to be kidding." Jamie doesn't sound angry, just surprised. "Jude, why did you call me?"

Her words come out in a rush. "He came here to London for my birthday and he told me he got an offer to move to London and then he told me," she lets out a sob, "he told me he loves me, he wants to be together and I.. I said no, I told him I couldn't do it, but I don't know what to do now. What if I just made a huge mistake?" Jamie is silent for a long time, and finally Jude says, "Jamie?"

His voice is low when he speaks. "You can't be serious."

She realizes suddenly how stupid it was to call him, how unfair it was to even tell him, Jamie of all people, about Tommy. "Oh god, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have called, I shouldn't have… I was just freaking out and I didn't know who else to talk to. God, I'm such an idiot. I'm so sorry. We can pretend this never happened, I don't know what I was thinking."

"As your ex, as the guy you cheated on, I cannot believe you would think it's okay to ask me for advice on this. How self-absorbed can you be?" he says, sounding angry now.

"I know, I know, Jamie, I'm so sorry."

His voice softens as he says, "But as the guy whose been your best friend since pre-K… Jude, you deserve to be happy, okay?

"What?" she asks, surprised.

Jamie sighs. "He makes you happy, Jude. And he makes you miserable. But you've been in love with him as long as you've known him. You love him in a way you never loved me. Be honest with yourself. Do you really think you can just be over him?"

"I wish I was, but I really don't know," she answers without thinking, then she frowns and says, "Wait, why are you saying this?"

"Because I'm your friend, and I want you to be happy, okay?"

"After what I did…"

"Don't talk to me about what you did. I know what you did, believe me. You cheated on me. With him. For months. And it fucking sucked. It was an awful thing to do, and part of me is never going to be over it. You did a terrible thing, Jude, and you hurt me, a lot. So much." He sighs again. "But it's in the past, alright? I get it. You were in love with somebody else. There are a million ways you could have dealt with it that were better than what you did, but look, I've moved on. I'm _happy_ , okay? And just because you screwed up, even so majorly, it doesn't mean that you don't deserve to be happy too."

"It's just… complicated."

He sounds exasperated. "Oh, yes, I know, it's always complicated with you two, and Quincy is always so _complicated_ and neither of you can ever get past the drama enough to just talk to each other like adults, but happiness is a _choice_ , Jude. That's what I had to learn this last year. You can't let the past stop you from choosing to be happy in a relationship. So if you think you'll be better off without him, then fine, let him go. But don't do it because you think it's what I want, or because you think that being unhappy is what you deserve, because that's crap. I deserved better than the way you treated me, but you know what? You deserved better too. You deserve to be with someone you love. I wish that someone weren't him. After everything you did I _hate_ that that person is him, but if it is, then you might as well just go for it."

Jude is speechless for a moment. Finally she whispers, "How can you be so… so nice to me after everything?"

"I am a paragon of maturity and graciousness," he laughs, then says more seriously, "And you were my best friend for most of my life. Bottom line is, Jude, you can't let the past stop you. It's not worth it. If you want to be with him, just go and get him already."

When Jude hangs up the phone, her tears have dried and her breathing is steady, her head no longer spinning. She goes to the window and looks out over the city, letting Jamie's words ring in her head. After a minute she goes to the piano and begins to write.

.

Jude's hand shakes as she raises it to knock, and she forces herself to take a slow, deep breath. She shifts her gig bag on her shoulder and knocks on Tommy's hotel room door. He opens the door after a moment and his eyes widen when he sees her. "Uh… hi, Jude, w-what are you– not that it's not good to see you, I just thought…" he stammers, then shakes his head. "I'm about to head to the airport. Are you on your way to the studio?" He gestures at her guitar slung over her back.

"No, I… Can I come in? Do you have time before your flight?"

He frowns, confused, but he says, "Sure, uh… yeah, I have a few minutes. Come in," and steps aside, closing the door behind her when she walks into the suite. "What are you doing here? I didn't think… I didn't expect to see you again before I left." She can tell he's trying hard to hide it, but she detects the pain in his voice.

"I, um, I couldn't sleep last night. I wrote something, and I want you to hear it, if that's okay?" She takes her guitar from her back and sets the case on the couch, bending over and starting to unzip it before turning back to him. "Only if you want to."

He looks surprised at her request, but he nods and gestures to her guitar. "Uh, sure, of course. Go ahead."

Jude takes the guitar out, putting the case aside and placing her notebook, open to her scribbled, tear-stained song lyrics, on the coffee table. Tommy seems to hesitate, but he sits next to her as she positions the guitar on her lap. Jude takes a few deep breaths, a futile attempt to calm her pounding heart, then starts to play.

 _Snow falls on the city  
white on white  
It's the color of hope  
on an unforgiving night  
you kissed me into ruins  
sin on sin  
now I've gotta love your love letters  
written on my skin_

It's the memory of what they did, the constant memory of the guilt that used to seem like it was coating her skin everywhere he touched her, tainting every memory of being with him with the knowledge that it was wrong. Loving him was so tied up in knowing she was hurting people she cared deeply about, and she still struggles to untangle the feelings.

 _I can't tell the stars from the downtown lights_

 _If I said I was truly over you  
My heart would say amen  
but I'd give in to the cold caress of 2 AM  
If I admit I can't get used to this  
will my heart break again?  
As I fall into the waiting arms of 2 AM_

She'd be lying if she didn't admit she wants to be over him, that's she's been trying for years to move on from her feelings. It would be such a relief to finally be able to let go of the intensity of it all. But it would be equally dishonest to deny that every time she tries, she fails. That when she lies awake at night, when it's 2 AM and the walls in her head come crumbling down, he's always there.

 _Someone's scratching music  
Through the walls  
Sirens weaving through the streets  
I must have missed your call  
I'm gathering up these nights  
Black on black  
I know your voice like it's my own  
And it makes my heart go slack_

The line is made of hundreds of memories, nights when he was in New Brunswick or she was with Jamie or after she moved to London where all she wanted was to hear his voice. Memories always fade over time, but although she can't always remember Kat's voice, or Patsy's, for some reason the memories of Tommy maintained a surprising clarity in the year with no contact. She'd be recording and hear Tommy's voice in her head say _is that all you've got, Harrison?_ She could conjure the image of his trademark smirk with picture-perfect accuracy. Since they reunited, his voice never fails to fill her with warmth, even over the phone.

 _I can't tell the stars from the downtown lights  
If I said I was truly over you  
My heart would say amen  
but I'd give in to the cold caress of 2 AM  
If I admit I can't get used to this  
will my heart break again?  
As I fall into the waiting arms of 2 AM_

As she sings the chorus a final time, she's aware of his eyes on her, and that he's sitting very, very still. She wants to meet his eyes, but thinks they might unravel her.

When the last note fades, she finally risks a look at Tommy. He's watching her, frozen. His mouth is open slightly, his eyebrows furrowed. He looks confused more than anything as his eyes search hers. Finally he shakes his head a little, and says, hesitantly, "I, uh… It's a beautiful song, I guess I'm just not sure… what you're trying to say." He swallows hard. "Why… Why did you come here, Jude?"

"I talked to Jamie last night."

This is clearly not what he was expecting to hear, and he raises his eyebrows. "Uh… Okay. What about?"

She bites her lip for a moment, then says, "He told me that… I deserve to be happy, and I… I shouldn't let the past keep me from the things that I want."

His eyebrows shoot up even further at that. He opens his mouth, then closes it again, at a loss for words. "Well…" he says finally. "I mean, he's right. You deserve the world, girl." He frowns. "But I'm… still not sure what you're saying."

"I'm trying to say that…" She takes a deep breath, and then just lets it out. "I know we've messed up a lot in the past, but what happened in the past doesn't matter, Tommy, because I have been in love with you since I was 15, and it doesn't matter how many times I try to get over you, because it won't happen. Tommy, I _love_ you. I am in love with you, and I am always going to be in love with you. So I'm saying I want to do this, I want you to move to London, and I want to be with you. More than anything."

He's frozen again, staring at her, and she can't read his expression.

She's holding her breath, and it feels like time has stopped. The only sound is her heart pounding in her ears. Finally, she whispers, "Please say something."

Her words seem to break the trance, and a slow smile spreads across his face. He reaches out and puts a hand on the side of her face, pulling her towards him and kissing her. Electricity shoots through her and she responds enthusiastically, leaning closer to him and putting a hand on the back of his neck.

She breaks the kiss suddenly when her guitar nearly falls off her lap and she has to quickly grab it, hissing a curse as it almost falls. She moves the instrument out of the way and looks back at Tommy, her eyes wide, worried the moment has passed. "Is that a yes?" she breathes.

Tommy's smile widens, and he leans in again. "Yes," he says, before kissing her again. When she pulls back for breath, Tommy pulls back farther, looking into her eyes and shaking his head with a smile. "You're a piece of work, Harrison." She raises her eyebrows and he laughs, stroking her cheek with his thumb. "But God, I love you."

* * *

 **A/N:** The song in this chapter is 2 AM, which is, of course, from Instant Star season 4.

I think at some point I may have mentioned that I wrote two other chapters that go between this and the epilogue, but if I add in one more conflict it _definitely_ feels like dragging things out too much (see, I hear your criticisms, and I take them into account!) so I cut them. Tomorrow I will post the short epilogue, and then this story will be done. Thank you all very much for reading.


	27. Epilogue

Tommy wakes to the early-morning light coming in through the window. He's confused for a second, not used to his new bed or his new apartment. When he remembers where he is, he turns over, surprised when the space where he expected Jude to be is empty. He sits up and looks around the room, looks for a note or something, but there's nothing. He checks his phone for text messages and there are none. Surely she didn't just leave? He gets out of bed and steps into the hallway. "Jude?" he calls.

"Out here!" her voice calls from his living room. When he walks into the room, he sees Jude sitting on the floor in front of the couch, his acoustic in her lap, dressed in one of his T-shirts. She looks up and smiles when he walks in. "Hey. Sorry, did I wake you?"

"No." He shakes his head. "I woke up and you weren't there."

"Sorry, inspiration." She gestures with her pencil to the notebook sitting next to her.

He walks over and sits down next to her on the floor, leaning in to press a kiss to her temple. She smiles and leans back against him for a moment. "How long have you been out here?" he asks.

"Uh, I don't know. It was dark when I got up." She picks up her phone and glances at it for the time. "A few hours, actually, wow."

"You wrote something?" When she nods, he asks, "Can I hear it?"

Jude sits up straight, moving the notebook in front of her, and nods. "It might need some polishing, but yeah, sure." She positions the guitar on her lap and clears her throat. She smiles at him, a little shyly. "Actually, it's kind of for you."

He quirks an eyebrow and smiles. "Consider me intrigued."

She looks down at her notebook and begins to play.

 _Let the bough break, let it come down crashing  
Let the sun fade out to a dark sky  
I can't say I'd even notice it was absent  
Cause I could live by the light in your eyes_

Jude looks up at him as she sings the line, and she flushes a little under the intensity of his eyes, of _her_ look on his face.

 _I'll unfold before you  
What I've strung together  
The very first words  
Of a lifelong love letter_

 _Tell the world that we finally got it all right  
I choose you  
I will become yours and you will become mine  
I choose you_

 _We are not perfect  
We'll learn from our mistakes  
And as long as it takes  
I will prove my love to you_

Tommy feels a little pang of sadness at the first "I choose you", remembering, in Toronto more than two years ago, when he asked her to do just that. But as she sings the chorus a second time, then the bridge, he realizes quickly that Jude has chosen the words intentionally. She's not bringing up painful memories accidentally, it's a reminder of how they're overcoming the mistakes they made in the past, how they're choosing to move on together.

 _I am not scared of the elements  
I am under-prepared, but I am willing  
And even better  
I get to be the other half of you_

 _Tell the world that we finally got it all right  
I choose you  
I will become yours and you will become mine  
I choose you  
I choose you_

Jude looks up when she finishes, and Tommy's tender look makes her stomach flip. She blushes a little again and looks down at her guitar. "I uh, I know the 'lifelong' line may have been a little… much. I know it's like, really soon for that. It's just a song, the alliteration, it doesn't–"

"No." Tommy says softly, and she looks up at him, surprised. He smiles and shakes his head. "'Lifelong love letter'," he quotes, smiling wider. "Sounds exactly right to me."

.

 _Fin_

* * *

#CHEESY

The song is "I Choose You" by Sara Bareilles.

For reasons I don't entirely understand, this story has garnered significantly more negativity than anything I have ever posted. I always appreciate constructive criticism, (although I feel less positively about the not-so-constructive Jude hate) but at the end of the day, I really enjoyed writing this story, which is what matters. Because... well... it's fan fiction, and that's what it's for!

Thank you all very much for reading. Thank you especially to Chloe, to Silke, and to everyone who consistently posts such lovely and supportive reviews on all of my work. You guys are the best.

–Kari

(P.S. If you feel there will be a void in your life if you don't have updates of this story to read every week, as of right now I do still have like five more chapters left to publish of my newest story, The Long and Winding Road. I update that on Mondays.)


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